Life is like that two week long Chinese traffic jam...

[dare i say it]

I seem to have had a small reprieve from some of the misery for a good 6-10 hours today.

I think that's worth celebrating, full stop. I'm happy for you. And thanks for backing me up on the "what would I do if I loved myself" comment.

[cyanidebreathmint]

Following up, I guess. Because it's good to talk about things that go well, for any people with reservations about therapy, for instance.

I had my first session with a psychotherapist today and it was good. It was a little uncomfortable, because I kept feeling she was too nice, I was wasting her time etc. She's the first person I ever told about my suicidal thoughts, and it wasn't even horrible. So, go. If you have reservations, go and at least try.

[dare i say it]

I am so happy for you. I know it can take a lot of courage to do something like that and I'm thrilled that it was a positive experience for you.

She's the first person I ever told about my suicidal thoughts, and it wasn't even horrible.

I've had a similar experience. Although, in the past, it took a few visits to let the whole story come out of me. I think it's a really good sign that you feel secure enough in your first visit with her to share things that have been weighing heavily on your heart. Good for you!

[cyanidebreathmint]

It's weird, because to me it seemed very matter of fact and was probably the least emotional part of the talk. It didn't feel courageous at all. This will be a strange experience. On a different note, it's already loads better than Kaiser. Kaiser really sucks. I encourage people who are trapped in the Kaiser system and hating it to go outside, and you can call outside people for outside references. For instance, I called a local university for a reference. They gave me the name of someone in the area who does sliding scale.

[manuel_moe_g]

For instance, I called a local university for a reference. They gave me the name of someone in the area who does sliding scale.

This is a great idea!

[cyanidebreathmint]

thanks

[dare i say it]

It's weird, because to me it seemed very matter of fact and was probably the least emotional part of the talk. It didn't feel courageous at all. This will be a strange experience.

I get that. It is weird how I can share super personal things while I'm in there, and I feel like I should be expressing more emotion while I say those things, but it's just not there sometimes. Then other times, the wave of emotion hits me out of nowhere and that's weird too. I guess that's part of the process(?) It's all starting to smooth out little by little though, which is nice because I'm not the kind of person who enjoys emotional rollercoasters. Actual rollercoasters, yes. Emotional rollercoasters, I could do without.

[cyanidebreathmint]

I feel like an abandoner, although I'm not sure anyone here misses me. I started conversations I never finished. Very bad internet etiquette. I was, at one time, VERY VERY invested in an internet forum, during a time when I was learning and growing- at 18 yrs old (the first time I even knew that internet forums existed), and as a result of that I think I am reticent to share too much of me in cyber land. Everyone (ok, nearly) looks like a dumbass at 18. People who didn't stumble through teen angst online, be grateful.

I wanted to write here, because I need an outlet, and this is kinda "mine".

I have been in therapy now for 2.5 months, and it is very good and it is very very hard and I am feeling things and feeling raw and I don't always like it. I think, probably, it's normal to feel like your footsteps are unsteady during the beginnings.

I've started trying to engage in mindfulness. Basically, this is the art of not escaping to wherever you might like to escape to and fuck is that hard. When some feeling arises, you are supposed to face it. I get confused because I have never done that, so as a result I wonder- am I "facing" or "wallowing"? Am I doing it wrong? Am I it feeling wrong? No, no, my talker (therapist) assures me. You can't feel things wrong.

I am struggling recently with the following cycling thoughts:

I feel lonely. I feel lonely because I am not connected to the people around me. I'm not connected to the people around me because nobody knows me. Nobody knows me because I don't want them to. If nobody knows me, how can they love me? If I don't want them to know me, how can I love them? If there isn't love, then what is the point? God, I feel fucking lonely.

I hate myself for how stunted I am. I hate myself for needing the people around me so much because I am so empty. And I hate myself for resenting them for not giving me something I never asked for and have no right to. I keep thinking, if it's not their job to love me, and it's not anybody's, then....well, follow the logic.

I think it is very important to be "known". I feel being known makes one feel worth something. I think that I have been so shut down for so long that people stopped asking me who I was and started making assumptions. Now I am offended by that and when assumptions are made instead of questions asked makes me feel unloved. But it's nobody's fault and everybody's fault and where the fuck does everything fit?

I'm angry that I (am finding out I) wasn't raised.
And I'm angry that I was made to feel like nothing.
And I'm angry that things are so hard.
And sometimes I am hopeless and sad and I just want out of here, sometimes on a small level and sometimes on THE level.

Who's job is it to love? Is it nobody's, everybody's? And what counts as it? And what makes us feel it?

I can't tell the difference between self pity, narcissism, and the true rights of a dignified human being.

What is the righteous anger, what is the stuff to throw out?

This life shit is hard.

Heh.

[dare i say it]

Thank you for giving a voice, and an eloquent one at that, to the struggles I know so well. I'm reluctant to even try to address your questions because I'm just as lost as anyone when it comes to these things and because I don't have a good feel for what is expected when people ask deeply personal questions, i.e. are answers expected.

I absolutely understand what you're saying when it comes to trying mindfulness for the first time. I've had a lifelong habit of avoiding and escaping things I don't want to experience. I have the same problem--many times every day--where I can't tell if allowing myself to feel things will be productive or if it will just get me stuck in a bad place. I wish someone would just tell me if I'm doing it right! I guess it doesn't work that way. For what it's worth, I'm finding that I do my best "processing" when I'm active, when I have time to think, and when I don't try to force it. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but for now my best go-to activities are moderate exercise, preparing a nice meal for myself, and cleaning my house.

I also felt something deep inside of me (and that's saying something) when you talked about loneliness. I feel more or less disconnected from everyone in my life--even people who have repeatedly asked to be closer to me. This forum is a relatively safe way for me to practice connecting to people in a more authentic way. I practice being open. I practice hearing other people's concerns without being overcome by the urge to "keep them from harm" (as if I could). I practice interacting with people with good intentions and not taking all the blame if it triggers a negative emotion in the other person. All of these things are quite hard for me and, yes, sometimes I need to not be in the forum for awhile so I can regroup.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, mindfulness is hard. I can only manage for 30 seconds, then I put myself on what I think is a healthy trajectory, and hope for the best.

I don' know how to fight loneliness. My only experience is that when I decide and commit and resign myself to giving giving giving more attention and understanding and compassion than I expect to get back, loneliness is less bad.

Feeling stunted is a tough one. When I work hard to grade myself on a curve, I feel less stunted. When I work to push out of my comfort zone, I feel less stunted.

Desiring being famous and known and renowned is a hard one. I am working to really embrace my failure, to really let the feeling of failure pass through me and not fight it. I want to have a friendly realistic relationship with failure. My only goal is not to have a breakdown - my past knowledge of failure and success have nothing to do with it. If I don't break down, I can put one foot in front of the other, and move forward at my own ideal speed, no excuses.

I feel resentment against my parents very strongly now.

I feel resentment against the grown-ups in my life when I was a child.

My fight against narcissism is helped by my work to have a friendly realistic relationship with failure.

Escaping is such a habit. I break out of it just to sink back into it 2 minutes later. I break out of it again, and forgive myself because forgiving yourself is part of holding yourself accountable. Refusing to forgive yourself is part of an elaborate scheme to escape really holding yourself accountable, because to excel in the future you must forgive yourself of the past, so the past loses emotional hold, the past should strictly be the place where you see evidence of what works and what doesn't work.

I'm finding that I do my best "processing" when I'm active...

Yeah, I know that chores give me time to unpack thoughts in my mind. I do my chores with my iPod podcasts turned off, and unpack what is been bottled up in my mind, so make connections and make strategies from those connections.

...without being overcome by the urge to "keep them from harm" (as if I could)...

This is interesting. I agree that one should be realistic about their ability to help - to truly help is a vanishingly rare thing. But are you saying that the urge to "keep them from harm" could actually block connection? I am unsure so what you are saying here.

sometimes I need to not be in the forum for awhile so I can regroup

Yeah, my introversion makes me need sleep after interaction

Please forgive me if I am a jackass or an idiot, just typing the best I can. Please take care, cyanidebreathmint and DISI, cheers, we are all cheering for your very best today and tomorrow!