Feeling sad about my marriage

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia

I said the only way I can tolerate her 24/7 presence is to not engage, and that I need some breathers and some privacy in my own home.

It was a fool's errand trying to argue this but I had to say my piece.

Are you freaking kidding me?! This is a totally reasonable stance and expectation.

MIL has her own place. Why does she need to be a live-in, be the center-of-attention all the time, and suck all of the oxygen out of the room?

From your descriptions, she sounds like a self-absorbed bore.

And what a weird symbiotic relationship your wife seems to have with Mom. What a rat's nest that might be to untangle.

Sorry, but had to say it.

Wishing you the best in your struggles.

SD

[troebia]

Sorry, but had to say it.

No need to apologize! I'm all for unfiltered communication here.

Some circumstances have contributed to my "MIL issue".

• In Spain, retirement homes are either ridiculously expensive or in a very depressing state. I can understand to a certain degree that they want to care for her themselves.
• MIL is however perfectly capable of living by herself in her own city apartment, with only the occasional assistance. She has chosen to self-isolate and quit going to the social club practically across the street from her apartment. I feel no pity.
• My sister-in-law and her daughter live in separate apartments on the same street, but they are working full time jobs and do not have the extra time (or room) that my retired wife has.
• My wife still has energy but very low libido. She has chosen to direct her energy mainly to caring for her mother. The therapist's recommendation to deliberately make time for me seems to have worn off.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wife is foul-mouthed and verbally abusive. Her temper is like a 3rd person in our marriage

[manuel_moe_g]

I don't work as hard as I wish, but I feel because of my challenges. I get zero grace and understanding from my wife. I feel sad

[manuel_moe_g]

Because I am not what she perceives as a very hard-working man, my wife feels unsupported. But she doesn't believe in couples counseling or any modern mental health thing. She knows that when she feels deregulated, she has the option to put me in a one down position with tremendous verbal and emotional abuse, and sometimes physical abuse. Also, there is no evidence that she cares about my needs. If I have a need, that means nothing to her. She sees no problem in not caring about my needs at all.

[manuel_moe_g]

It is true that now that she is postmenopausal, she is much less emotionally regulated. But she is the type who would not use a therapist or a psychologist or a psychiatrist, and would not take hormones or any pharmaceutical so that she is less explosive towards me. That she is abusive to me is neither here nor there to her really, she is convinced that I deserve it because of the way I am.

[manuel_moe_g]

Fuck fuck fuck ADHD, Depression, Autism-Spectrum, and <NOW> i realize some nice, juice trauma when i was growing up giving me some of the symptoms of PTSD & C-PTSD. I need to be more capable, I am not more capable, it fucks up my path to my highest goals and values. And when I started my relationships with my wife over 20 years ago, I had nothing like a functional self-esteem to protect me and set this relationship off on the right foot. I am fixing everything all the time, it is always getting better, I am always acquiring wisdom and acting on that wisdom, it is not the end but the beginning of a great life, but, fuck, everything feels like a day late and a dollar short.

[manuel_moe_g]

It is very possible that because of ADHD, everything helpful to me in my journey towards my highest goals and value... - everything helpful will only be helpful for a time limited basis. Meaning, no mental tool or technique will have lasting value. Because ADHD discards all that does not perpetually provide novelty. ADHD will always find a way to let distractions ruin my day (maybe not everyday, but there will never be a last day ruined by meaningless distractions, until I finally drop dead). Oh, well. It is unfair, I can cry about it, but that doesn't stop it from being true. But I am infinitely resourceful, infinitely creative, and infinitely motivated. I will pull it off, I will be a winner, I will help all the people I love in this world.

[troebia]

Wife is foul-mouthed and verbally abusive.

Manny, after reading your series of posts, if she has zero respect for your wish to have calm conversations about your relationship, things are really dire. I think many (most?) long-term relationships are in a sort of tense armistice. My wife knows about my hard "nos" and I know about hers, and any strategic movements on our respective sides are carried out discreetly. Seemingly innocuous remarks can be feelers sent out to scout the terrain. There is mutual affection but also a power balance and each has their own responsibilities.

This female youtuber https://m.youtube.com/@YourWingmam has lots to say about what happens in a straight relationship if the woman is allowed to "put your balls in her purse". According to her, never, ever let a woman feel she is the primary (or indeed sole) decision maker and that she has the main initiative. As a man, always, always anticipate, make unexpected chess moves and do not ask permission for every single thing. The more positively affirmative and protective the man acts, the more feminine and supportive the woman becomes because she yearns to feel protected and safe. We're talking paleolithics here, and our brains basically haven't changed since.

I would also like to comment on how a diagnosis of some letter combination like ADHD can become a sort of crutch or a self-fulfilling curse. Lately there's been a lot of talk about how the majority of "sane" people continually drift in and out of conditions that a psychiatrist would jump on. But these undiagnosed people, instead of reasoning "I feel like this because the doctor said I have (say) PTSD and now I should see everything through this filter to protect me" they simply say "shit, I'm going to do X or Y to get out of this rut".

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, I am trying to only <use> diagnoses insofar they serve me — things either serve you or you serve them, and there is no in-between.

Technically I don’t have ADHD, at most I am on the borderline; I only use that term as a shorthand for “I have enough negative symptoms that typically characterize <disease name> that it serves me to find community and helpful tips and techniques to improve my life, nothing more”

My relationship with my wife is untenable. I never had a functional self-esteem before to protect me

I am doing what I can — for <reasons> I can only do so much in a day

Thank you, Troebia, for listening to me and validating my pain and being there for me. All the very best