Ta-dah! List

[Beany Boo]

I had my first real ‘flow’ day today.

I wasn’t expecting it. I think I thought they were a myth.

The day felt like it took 5 minutes. It was fast but it wasn’t rushed. A lot happen but I just moved through it. No avoidance, no staying too long on anything and lots of completing.

The ta-dah! was that, at least for today, mindfulness worked.

[Beany Boo]

So I slept unexpectedly well. I’ve spent the morning working an exercise I called ‘undaunting the day’. I let go of being masterful at managing the boredom, and accept space for some event or thread that actually satisfies me. Then I create a daily Laozi bowl for it.

‘It’s the empty space that makes the bowl useful.’

The ta-dah! is if I persist in that exercise something shows up; usually later on.

[Beany Boo]

So I really want to work on something important to me. But it means putting aside time every day to focus on it. This is before I’ve even really put into words what that important thing is. So at the moment it’s simply, a task of spending time getting curious about it.

So today I had the presence of mind to set about clearing time for this. I realized all I really had to do was control the choices I made during the allotted time; so that I didn’t get distracted and lose focus.

So I made some rules.

I could:

• Listen to a podcast in another language with the volume turned down very quiet; the sound equivalent of a candle flame.

• Make and drink green tea.

• If I got the irresistible urge to do anything I had to simply instead, think through the steps of the thing until I’d completed in my mind.

• Do all this for an hour but I could go less or more depending on my tolerance.

• I could write down no more than 2 ideas and only then by expressing them each in a single word.

Doing things step by step mentally rather than stopping to physically do them was surprisingly effective. I made a green tea. Even very quiet, the podcast seemed loud. I didn’t write any ideas. I did spend longer than normal thinking about things I might like to do, in an light, curious way. In the end, I did it easily for all of half an hour but I could have gone for longer knowing it would’ve now been difficult to distract me. I did spend a little of the time imagining myself being in this pleasant state of mind on days to come.

The ta-dah! was that this exercise held some of the essence of whatever is that important thing I was curious about that prompted me to experiment.

[oak]

Well done! Another fine ta-da.

My two cents: it seems to me like your subconscious is working on something.

Be on the lookout for an “ah ha” moment, or instructive dream. Trust that inspiration-moment.

The next 36-48 hours may provide you an unexpected gift.

[Beany Boo]

I feel like I am having good dreams but I am not remembering.

To be proactive, I went to the museum for a few hours; to immerse myself in the collective imagination.

After that I decided on a few things that felt congruent to my ‘subconscious’ urge:

• Learn Mandarin, Italian and Vietnamese. These are the main languages (in order) after English, spoken in Australia.

• Learn the indigenous names of all the birds and trees in my neighborhood.

• I am inspired by dinosaurs and ships.

When I say learn those languages, I mean ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’. At least for now.

I think my urge has something to do with learning. I don’t really want to pin what it has to do with it. Answering that prematurely seems to be the recurring problem. I do know this, I am a slow learner. I don’t mean that in a pejorative way. Objectively, I enjoy learning when I know I can take my time. Paradoxically, if I know I can take my time, I learn things more quickly and thoroughly; because it’s easier to focus. Learning in a satisfying way, connects me to life.

[Beany Boo]

I’m into my sixth day straight of 45 minute guided body-scan meditations.

I’m feeling very steady, sensitive and curious.

Everyone around me is becoming more belligerent, brash and hasty. Or they seem to be anyway, by comparison.

The world seems very messy and clumsy, but weirdly, also accommodating, to me.

The ta-dah! is I’m disciplined!

[Beany Boo]

I was becoming so mindful that the unfamiliarity prompted me to go too far outside my comfort zone and I had a panic attack. I shivered it out for about 10 minutes which I knew would settle me.

The ta-dah! is I seem to be self-regulating.

[oak]

There is always a cost to everything, including self-improvement.

IME that cost is often physical. The body keeps the score, as they say.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Oak,

I think my sympathetic nervous system got nudged into overdrive by the new information. Thankfully I have the skills now to recognize and recover.

[Beany Boo]

I’m experiencing the conflictual nature in my regular relationships to people (bearably) more. I don’t really have the endurance for it yet. Protecting people from their vulnerability and still being clear (or maybe, complex) about what I want, in front of them, is tricky work.

‘What you practice gets stronger.’

The ta-dah! is I’m finding little spaces to emotionally respond to the affect I see I have.

Am I even making sense?