Grief and self care.

[oak]

My dear friends!

I am wracked, for several weeks, by mental anguish of experiencing grief.

Self care:

I am doing very well with my dental habit.

I am insisting on staying hydrated.

Two acts of small heroism:

Last night I put the used dishes in the dishwasher and ran it.

Today I put transferred the dirty clothes from the floor to the basket.

These action should will have to suffice today for success, for me to be Enough.

[bigeekgirl]

((hugs)) grief is a full time job of the most tiring sort. Anything else you do is a bonus.

[rivergirl]

I agree with you, Biggeekgirl and Oak. Grief is exhausting, and small acts in the face of that exhaustion can be heroic.

Take care, Oak.

[oak]

Thank you my friends <3.

A grief to share, to get out of rattling around my mind, steeping in shame and Not Enough and
Wrong and Bad Little Boy Be Quiet.

Like the wonderful BGG, who was kind enough to share about grief when seeing small children, I have a social grief to share. Or exorcise.

When I see people obviously on a first date, I have instant reactions:

1. Joy at a sweet, light, happy aspect of life. I am happy for them, the date goes well, and that if appropriate there is a satisfying kiss at the conclusion.

2. No jealously (well, not much), but intense grief.

I am trying to eat well and exercise for some months now. Pokémon go in the town square is ostensibly a good reason to walk, get out my head, and get some sunshine. I hope this effort leads to me going on first dates. It has not, and I hope for a better tomorrow.

This morning I saw a smooth happy brother and a lovely brunette sitting at a table, ostensibly enjoying a coffee. Their posture was pure first date going well. I was very happy for him, and sent success vibes for him.

Now, six hours later, I am immobilized by grief.

Thank you for letting me unburden myself.

I have a plan, which I’ll share about soon, but for now I want to experience the grief.

[oak]

Hi friends. I want to use my words.

I am wracked with grief on Saturdays. It seems to collect during the week. At once I both feel perfectly fine, and at the same time as if every cell is filled with poison and electricity. I can hardly move.

Thank you for listening.

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,

I think I understand some of what you're feeling, since my grief and other negative feelings often show up first thing when I awake on Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Sometimes for me getting out of the house and doing things helps, but it isn't always guaranteed that it will.

Is there anything that you find that helps you on these Saturdays?

I wish I had something more to offer, but all I can say is that you're not alone, and that I hope you find something to soothe you today and allow some of this grief to lift bit by bit.

Take care,

rivergirl

[oak]

Thanks Rivergirl!

I have turned your advice over in my head daily for the last two weeks.

Here is my plan: if then grief gets to a 6 of 10, I plan to immediately drive to the little town square to play Pokémon go, even just for five minutes.

[oak]

Bookend 1 of 2: Friday

I have a plan for a more active Saturday, since I am often overwhelmed by grief Saturday. I spent all last Saturday afternoon and evening crying because no one has come to visit me in my apartment. Because of my mistakes in effecting a plan to get out of the house/my mind last week, this week I will:

* Have my apartment clean Friday night
* Set my alarm for 6 am Saturday
* Exercise/tai chi/cardio and eat fairly early in the morning
* Be out the door at 9 am so I can go to the mall an hour away to: (1) get out of town (2) chat up the pretty girls at the mall (3) look for new, "stylish" clothes now that my weight is inching down.

Self care news:

1. I just called the EAP to request counseling!

2. I showed my year over year biometric numbers (blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides) to my doctor the other day. His face immediately lost all color. He said that had my 2015 habits continued, I would be dropping dead within 15 years. He praised my improved numbers as "astonishing".

3. I found courage and got a tour of the local gym. It looks good, and when my raise comes through I intend to join (in about three weeks). I certainly noticed the attractive women there, especially an Italian-American woman (sigh!). I am attracted to all sorts/ethnicities of women, while Italian-American women have bewitched me since I was a teenager.

4. I bought, and fit into, a men's size medium zippered hoodie. (This is a big deal!)

I continue to struggle with grief and especially anxiety (again!) this week.

I'll post here tomorrow IF (1) I check out some modern mens wear (think suits without ties from Express Men) and (2) chat up three attractive women.

Wish me luck!

[oak]

Bookend 1.5 of 2: I came up short.

Hi friends. I cleaned my apartment just fine, but didn’t get an early start. I am going to try again tomorrow. Update then.

update: Since posting yesterday, I checked and saw that my promised raise was not effected. I am devastated.

[manuel_moe_g]

Reading and supporting you, Oak