YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Children can harbor deep, complex thoughts/motivations, and I suppose I was no different.

There were two things I really hated as a child, with caveats. Here is my adult guess at why I hated them so much.

1. "I felt bad that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet".

My parents quoted me this, and I don't doubt that I could sometimes be a whiny, clueless entitled child (though any entitlement was fixed from 2006-2012, let me tell you).

I hated this "wisdom" because the first guy still didn't have any shoes!

I mean how obvious is that!

A better outcome: the guy without any feet could offer him any shoes he still had. Then the first guy would have shoes, and could do errands to help the foot-less man.

And besides, maybe the foot-less man was happy: he need not be defined by his lack of feet. Did anyone ever bother to consider his thoughts and feelings, or bother to ask him?

Maybe the first guy should have found some agency, realized his life sucks (at least in regards to his current footwear situation, and try to better himself. Maybe he can get a job at a shoe factory! But no, nothing ever changes for these sad sacks: like our friend Puff below, something "bad" happens, and they just sit there, immobile, accepting a bland hopeless fate they could at least try to improve a little. But no. No agency no hope.

Why couldn't he say one of the following:

1. While I didn't have any shoes, I was grateful to have my eyesight to see the guy with no feet.

2. In fact, I befriended the guy with no feet, and after I bought him some crutches (with part of my earnings from the shoe factory) he got a job and married a wonderful woman. He's doing great.

Instead, this story is just a smug invalidation of legitimate suffering, just because someone else had it worse. (My parents told me this a thousand ways over the years, and it damaged me.)

2. Puff the Magic Dragon

Okay, I fully awknowledge Peter/Paul/Mary are very talented, and the music is exquisite. I also understand my parents' bittersweet wistfulness to see their little boy, me, grow up so quickly. Awknowledged.

But come on, the boy had to grow up!

While it is age appropriate for a little boy to enjoy flights of fancy and whimsy with a toy. A dragon is powerful, unlike a little boy. That's one of the reasons I liked "army guys" and Uncle Scrooge: people paid attention to them.

But eventually a little boy has to grow up!

In the song, spoiler alert, when the boy (properly) grows up, like a sad sack with no agency Puff goes to a cave, alone and sad. Maybe Puff should have been grateful to have the experience! Don't cry because it ended, smile because it happened (when tired social media aphorisms are more true than your moral stance, you know you're on thin ice.)

So much sad sackery and lack of agency!

Freud said the two worthy pursuits are work and love. It would be odd for me to play with a stuffed dragon at age 43.

Likewise, speaking for myself, while I may on occasion enjoy Chicken McNuggets or Pixie Stix, I have a more refined palate: sushi, hummus, daal and naan, Sriracha, soy sauce.

Summary

Both of these were essentially saying to me, smugly: "Screw you: stay in this little box we defined for you. You are not an agent of owning and standing for your convictions."

Goodness, do I feel better, getting that out.

Oak, thanks for sharing these thoughts with us! I enjoyed this post so much. I suspect there is a manuscript on your computer somewhere. At least I hope so.

I agree wholeheartedly and with the power of 20 tigers this trivialization of suffering due to "someone has it worse". Complete and utter rubbish. I've always found it to be a way for people to say "shut up" without any of the consequences. I'm sorry that you weren't allowed to be you. And happy that the child Oak had enough rebellion to know this wasn't right.

(As a tangent, your stuffed dragon comment made me smile. As you may know from my other posts, I have found childlike whimsy to be a real lifeline for me. I am the proud owner of a 4 foot tall stuffed tiger who protects me at all times. She sometimes sits in my window as a gentle reminder I am not to be trivialized.
And because that's fun.)

I'm so so happy you were feeling energetic enough to post this. Keep on sharing!
Heather

Because sometimes there will be moments in grief where no amount of words will do. All we can do is respect the man enough to let him grieve for his shoes in his own way, and in his own time so that he can find his own way forward without them.

Used to get told "there are hungry kids in china" because I didn't want to eat my vegies. I was more than willing to share my vegies with these hungry kids. There hunger was not on me. To me it was more on my parents, who would serve me food they knew I wouldn't eat. Weren't they the ones who were wasting food?

@BeanyBoo and our dear friend BrownBlob: thank you for your thoughtful replies. Your perspectives gave me a new look, a richer appreciation. I appreciate you.

@Heather: Thank you also for your post! While there is much I could reply, for the sake of brevity, let me say this:

1. Not only do I not judge said stuffed tiger, I celebrate it: it can be considered a totem, or archetype. Tigers have an incredibly rich history as a symbol, across time and space. I also consider, if you are the proper age, the whimsy and brilliance of the tiger in Calvin and Hobbes. Something to think about.

2. While I am not much of a bible scholar, I do know that I judge a tree by its fruit. Ergo, I know that you have done something brave that many people are unable or unwilling to do: go into work. You're demonstrating courage. So the "tree" is who you are, including the stuffed tiger; the "fruit" is your demonstration of courage, daily.

3. In a lighter note, you have your large stuffed tiger, and I have my Amish romance novels.

I'm always eager and delighted to ruin gender expectations: a tiger is powerful: lithe, silent, and above all deadly. Rawr!

Amish romance novels are anything but novel: the power is in the formula, the tension, knowing there will be a happy ending. Across genders and generations, everyone struggles to be moral and decent, especially when they put themselves in situations where forgiveness is a gift, something to be hoped for and not demanded.

In other words, I'm delighted that while you'd be expected to be reading the romance novels, and I'd be expected to cherish the strength and cunning of the tiger, we can be ourselves: in 2020 we have chosen our own way, have grown into our own stories, naturally, contrary to what our parents/society tried so hard to fit us in when we were children.

So Puff can be called back from his lonely cave, in tiger form for you, and the sweet sensitive little boy I was can be revived by stories of decency, kindness, forgiveness, and romance: love stories.

I also always hated that line about the man with no shoes. I can remember when I was younger and in my deepest of depressions and being told by professionals about all the people with kidney failure, etc that were fighting for there lives and how I was trying to throw mine away. I don't remember them using that line on me at the time, but I'm pretty sure it was thrown out there at some point. But it was all the same principle. They would tell me that those people have real problems and you don't. Somehow they thought that would make me snap out of it, but it just made me feel worse. It didn't make what I was going through go away, just made me feeling guilty for going through it.
It is one of things I love about my partner. She is in a wheelchair, but not once did she ever try to diminish what I felt or went through. She did not want sympathy, but we exchanged compassion.
It was like the guy without feet saying" Dude, where's your shoes?"

I am glad you have such a compassionate partner, Brownblob!

Exchanged compassion. I love that. Thanks, brownblob.
Heather

Oak, I have had the gentlest of earworms this week with Puff the Magic Dragon sung softly in the background!