brain dump 05-20-2020

[manuel_moe_g]

indented dump of what i am working on, working on this keeps me focused, warrior spirit but remembering to be compassionate to self

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Overcoming Sleepy Days Like Yesterday 00
	slept a lot yesterday, abused smartphone use a lot yesterday
		done without intention
	failure is always an option
		when I didn't allow for possibility of failure, I would sabotage my work because pressure was too great and I didn't like what it said about my priorities and focus
			stressful because denied an option
			lack of base determination
		"failure"
			something I do that doesn't work out
				dead end - because why try something hard at all
				some overlap between sin and failure
					learned it was easy to sin at an early age
				something i heard from my parents
					sometime the best is not right, when bringing up a child
				hindered exploration to try new things
				definition of 7 to 11 year old
					be at peace, don't be scared of failure
						think of exploration, think of freedom
					be at peace with the truth
			not even trying
				so very proud you tried
					works out or not, still competent
			not a failure if you fall down 7 times and get up 8 times
				try, try again
				the new definition of success & failure is freedom and freeing
				messages:
					i can explore
					i can be free
					i am competent
			black and white thinking
			OK to not be good at some things
	the ultimate goal is manifesting my goals/values into the world
		what are my goals & values?
		goals
		values
		desired experiences
	Baseline habitual actions
		even slightest stress or slightest boredom or slightest uncertainty leads to managing my mood in an unsustainable way
		triggers
			stress
			boredom
			uncertainty
			fear
		ways of managing my mood
			web browsing
			smartphone
			sleep
	Desired actions - new habits 
		intention
		dive in, swallow that frog
		always have opinion about what do next, how long, what do after that
			but be compassionate if fall off the wagon
			realize that we are sacrificing freedom, and that is a real sacrifice, so behooves me to reward self for doing so
				hmm, what rewards?
		be a warrior for good
			but with compassion for the self, so can sustain and persevere
		how best to reset?
			if tired
				work a little, then take a short nap

[Beany Boo]

You’re trying to deduce what it would take to get the approval of an adult-parent figure, from a position where you really have no idea, and will never know. That’s the cycle. “If you get it right, you’ll finally get approval, and be awash with love, and the anguish will be over.” It’s a defence mechanism. It’s a pain-management strategy – mental and physical. It’s a regression to a child’s struggle to be noticed. None of this is bad – it’s natural.

Do something low-stakes; origami, clothes folding, birdwatching; anything that takes you from the amygdala to another part of your brain.

I’m a bonafide qwack by the way.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Beany Boo,

Yeah, the big thing i am working on now is that my parents/adult-figures modeled a poor idea of success/failure. A more helpful definition is "if you fall down 7 times, but get up 8 times, that is not a failure", but the idea they modeled was the opposite of this: "if there is a chance to fall down, better to not even try".

My therapist said to do an activity that honors the little Manuel that is 7 to 11 years old. I bought a small Lego kit, and i will build it to honor that little guy. That little guy is a voice in my head that is trying to keep me safe by repeating the unhelpful success/failure message of my parents. "Don't try if there is a chance to fail", that little guys says. That little 11 year old is just trying to keep me safe. He is doing his best, but it time for that particular little voice to retire, but before that, have an honoring activity, something that the little 11 year old would enjoy.

This is the Lego set:

LEGO Creator 3in1 Shuttle Transporter 31091 Building Kit (341 Pieces)
More information: https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07GXBRFBW/ ... XEb65DJ8WR

Pretty low-stakes, in line with your recommendation, Beany.

I am trying to stay productive, but sometimes sleep is so delicious!

My idea is to do a little task before i let myself close my eyes to take a nap.

Thanks for reading, Beany!

[TonyM_Guest]

Hi manuel_moe_g - so much of the list you posted resonated with me. I see you and hear you and acknowledge you. you have done the same for me (and it helped a lot) and I want to return the courtesy.

[oak]

Manuel Moe, thank you for sharing. I hope you are doing well during these very difficult times.

Some thoughts I offer, while I read:

1. I have found that hours (12+) of smartphone a day disrupted my sleep. You are not alone, my friend.

2. Yes, yes, yes: I wholeheartedly encourage you to be free and explore. You have my permission to live that out.

2. Feel free to take or leave this: while being free and exploring, I encourage you to pause "competence". Competence is often a byproduct of having done something for awhile. I encourage you to be open to being not incompetent, but acompetent (similar to the difference between immoral and amoral). If you let go of trying to be competent, often competence finds us.

4. I'd be very interested to read an entire thread on your thoughts of warriorhood. In fact, since imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, I might start such a thread myself, and eagerly look forward to your thoughts.

5. You also have my full permission and encouragement to take naps. Very powerful.

[Beany Boo]

In the eyes of the child, a parent fails by turning into a ‘normal human being‘ (as the child reaches maturity). The child fails by becoming a normal human being themself who also just happens to approximate the one the parent turned into. Success might be allowing the parent and child to both become normal, ordinary, flawed, but separately and also, differently. The reward is probably that you get to become your own unique, independent person. A person, who didn’t do anything that ‘turned’ their parent to ‘ordinary’. It just happened on its own.

Just my thoughts.

[Heatherwantspeace]

I found this so helpful when I took up painting:
https://chibird.com/post/188223163992/t ... your-hobby

It can apply to anything in life, really.
Heather

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks everyone! I am delighted that my "brain dump" resonated with you all, when I posted it i was expecting it to drop into the void, but quite the opposite happened. I feel heard. Thank you all.