YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

A variety of things have been bothering me lately. One of them is this feeling that any time I post or think of posting anything, my negative voice automatically tells me I'm a narcissist and that I am making things about me. The negative voice also criticizes whatever my post is or the grammar or forgotten words. I don't feel like I am qualified to give advice so I try not to do that. I mainly try to let someone know that they are heard and not alone. I feel like I am a fraud when I read posts by people who are trying to heal and be better when I feel like to often I am guilty of rumination. Lots of negativity in my head right now.

brownblob wrote:I mainly try to let someone know that they are heard and not alone.

Don't sell yourself short. Having the heart to do this says a lot about who you are as a person.

The negative voice is a tough one. My negative voice is constant and persistent. It seems to try to make me not enjoy anything and make any joy that I do feel seem to melt away in an instant.

I tried yelling it down or saying "shhhh" to it or otherwise shut it down. I didn't have great success.

What seems to help better:

[*] if i can sense it is actually the voice of my younger self trying to keep me safe in situations that the young child sees as risky, i speak gently to that voice, and say it is time for that voice to rest, because the adult me can handle the situation now

[*] if it is a mean voice speaking to me, then i try to be rational to that voice, don't abuse back, try to be minimally civil in speaking back to that voice, but be firm in pointing out the irrationality of that voice

[*] repetition always, with writing or typing it out as part of the repetition

This works better. I wish I could say it works perfectly and instantly, but that would be a lie. It is just a function of my screwed up brain chemistry - i have it worse than some, and some have it worse than me.

But talking back calmly and rationally does in fact work better.

brownblob wrote:I feel like I am a fraud when I read posts by people who are trying to heal and be better when I feel like to often I am guilty of rumination.

For me, getting it on paper or typing it up helps put ruminative thoughts to bed.

By the way, your negative voice is wrong. You always have good advice and good takes on the forum.

The voice is your version of a parental figure trying to protect you from danger. It feels overwhelming. It’s doesn’t entirely make sense. It ‘protects’ you from random stuff. It embarrasses and interrupts while it protects. The parent is thinking something like ‘stay out of danger‘. The child experiences it as something like ‘don’t be a danger’.

It’s okay to be a danger. To feel like you are a danger. You’re generally not. But it’s always okay to feel like one. And if you make a mistake, feel awful, move on and learn.

Spend moments feeling dangerous. It might be terrifying, at the beginning.

Brownblob, your comments have been helpful and welcome so many times! I hope you continue to post.

I also worry I'm taking someone else's post and making it about me (like now). I just tell myself that we're all here being ourselves and working things out and there is no judgement. No one here has ever said anything that made me think badly of them. I also feel very certain there are very few of us who aren't ruminators.
Heather

Brownblob, thank you for posting. I am very glad you did.

We are only as sick as our secrets, and I'm glad you got this out.

I am sorry you are suffering.

May I offer some thoughts, that you are welcome to take or leave?

1. You are not a narcissist. And I'm going to prove it right now.

The one question a narcissist would never ask of themselves is "Am I a narcissist?"

They don't have that self-awareness. They would never think to ask themselves that.

I've known two narcissists, and both were the most boring I've ever met. You aren't that.

Now, I'm sure you can do narcissistic behaviors now and then; we all do.

2. I wholeheartedly and warmly commend you to make grammar and word mistakes! It makes you and your posts all the more human. Mistakes are endearing.

3. I value your input very much.

So, I honor your struggles. They are very real. I encourage you to weigh what your ruminations are screaming with the sober counter points offered in these replies to your post.

Above all, I accept you as you are.

Brownblob,

I'm sorry you're having this battle with negativity. You're not alone. As Heather said, these negative ruminations seem to be a common theme for many of us who post here.

I too struggle with feeling like I don't have the writing skills or the insights for my posts to be worthwhile. I've found myself the past six months or so also feeling that my age separates me from the group who post most frequently here. I read almost all of the posts on the forum and think about how to reply, but then talk myself out of doing so.

Mainly I just wanted to say that your kindness has always come through in your posts. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I think about you and it helps me to keep going.

rivergirl

I totally resonate with your description of how you feel when you post, BB. I feel exactly the same way -- it's why I post very sporadically and when I do they are very terse. You are seen. Your experience matters. Your words matter. you matter. I can say specifically that your replies to my posts have been met with gratitude every single time. There is a cadre of people in my life -- including on these forums -- who words resonate more than anyone else for me. And you are among them. Thanks for being here and thanks for your posts.

Thank you all for your replies.

Brownblob, thinking of you and hoping you are okay.
Heather

I don't know about okay, but I'm hanging in there. Thanks Heather