HALT: Blood sugar and trauma.

[oak]

Hi friends!

I'd like to bookend (reach out to friends before and after a difficult step in recovery/healing) today and tomorrow (Monday).

1. The importance of pico and beans.
2. Why I may be irritable.
3. Also I'm really lonely.
4. The big counseling session tomorrow.

1. Today, Sunday, I didn't eat a proper breakfast (which for me is food/Buspar/caffeine).

I am not diabetic, but as I age I've come to appreciate having a smooth blood sugar.

I just really appreciate beans. I love starches more than anything, especially rice. And pinto beans really smooth out my blood sugar. I just feel good. And fresh pico goes well with beans. And a little pork. So good.

2. Tomorrow I get into the trauma of my most recent job. My counselor is excellent, and the plan is CBT.

I've found myself extremely irritable today. I suppose this is related to anxiety to knowing I'll be facing some demons tomorrow. Demons I want to face!

There are some small actions I can effect today to mitigate this sorrow and anxiety.

3. Also, I am really lonely today.

4. I'll post here after the big counseling session tomorrow. Wish me luck!

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Oak! I see you!
You are absolutely feeling off because of tomorrow's session. Things are getting ready to come into consciousness to be dealt with. A tough day for sure. The loneliness may be a part of that or its own thing. We're all missing some part of our pack living right now.

I wish for you some resolution tomorrow which leads to release of trauma. If that doesn't happen, it's still okay, you are making progress.
I may dig into the new Bill & Ted movie today. It will definitely not be worth the money.
All we are is dust in the wind, dude.
Heather

[brownblob]

Best of luck to you Oak. I think anxiety knowing you are getting ready to face your demons is normal.

[Beany Boo]

The prospect of someone talking to you about you might be quite triggering. It is for me.

If you load the interaction with too much expectation that can sabotage it as well.

It’s understandable wanting to gird yourself against difficult truths. If you relax as much as possible now, you’ll better be able to listen for valuable insights during the session.

I’m confident.

[oak]

Update 1.5 of 2: One hour before session

Thank you friends for your encouragement! I read each of your replies ten times. They brought me such comfort.

My session begins in one hour, and I have prepared the notes as indicated for today's session by the counselor.

Since I posted:

1. For the first time in my life, my carbon monoxide alarm went off. I contacted the poison control center, and the fire department came. I used my words, took action, and everyone was super nice and warm and helpful. But the unexpected shrill beep grated my nerves.

2. Overnight, I was up for two hours with acid reflux.

3. Getting back to sleep, I had that recurring nightmare that I "had to complete my education", because I "didn't really complete" my undergrad degree. Also in the nightmare, I had two messages on one of those 1990's answering machines: someone threatening violence to me, and that someone was going to sue me.

Waking up after that exhausting, dismal night, I did shower, shave, and eat a proper Oak breakfast.

Per your advice, I've scaled any expectations down for the session: my only goal is to tell the counselor what she asked me to write down.

I've also put less expectations on myself beforehand: I can get to the dishes, laundry, tai chi, and walking outside later today. I am already too stimulated after those nightmares.

An update soon, after the session!

[oak]

Update 2 of 2: Another bookending successfully navigated and concluded!

Well, friends, I got it all out today in the online counseling session, regarding my abusive former work enviornment.

In retelling specific experiences, more than once my counselor said: "Any silence on my part is not from ignoring you. It is from astonishment at what you went through".

Together we got it all out: there was nothing left unsaid or mitigated. She listened carefully and offered helpful observations.

By the end (the session went nearly twice as long as it was scheduled), we were laughing. Not at my trauma, but because I am alive, with hopes and dreams. We came up with a plan, based on CBT and anxiety exposure hierarchies.

I may well start a new thread about my new CBT adventure.

For now, know that I made it, and I am happier. Thank you fori listening and encouraging me. We are not alone.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Yay! Kudos on the courage you showed to revisit this trauma. (If you hadn't been ready, that's okay too)
I'm glad you had a counselor you felt in sync with. How kind of them to give you some extra time.

"Any silence on my part is not from ignoring you. It is from astonishment at what you went through".

This is amazing!

[Beany Boo]

Yes, her comment is a precious gift.

Also, the nightmares are a common occurrence before sessions. Not unusual to have a rocky night, the night before.

[oak]

Thank you, Heather and Beany Boo for your encouragement: I held onto it, as I had something of a emotional-hangover the next day (Tuesday). I was doing okay, until I wasn't. By 5 pm I couldn't move.

Happily I am bounced back, and excited about life. I know I'm not "cured" of grief; I do know it comes and goes, and that I handled a difficult situation this week, and survived.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Oak,

when you feel grief, can you throw your arm around your image of yourself and allow yourself to mourn in a safe way, and mourn the unfairness completely?

https://www.wikihow.com/Mourn

I close my eyes, allow myself to mourn, know that I will need to mourn again tomorrow. That is what I do.