YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi friends.

I am putting the pieces back together, in my life, and here is what is front of me this week: CBT finer points, and creating my home dojang.

I'm trying to sort out my thoughts, plans, and goals, so forgive me if this is a bit disjointed

1. CBT

I am a month plus into my CBT counseling, and it is right on track to accomplish my main goal of time on task for my job search. Goals:

a. Find and print a free CBT worksheet pdf (If anyone of you have any good links, please paste!)

b. During our regular session, I want to (1) break down exactly why CBT has worked for me so far, and (2) I am suddenly restrictive and resistant regarding one specific topic, to be applied to CBT (I'll share more about this specific soon).

c. Having learned the basics of a CBT worksheet, I want to see if I can start applying it on my own, to new problems.

2. Home dojang (or dojo, ie martial arts space)

a. Declutter the area in my apartment

b. Vaccuum and clean linoleum

c. Set up Century punching/kicking bag

d. Get a quote from local movers to take away my third hand, cluttering, unwanted furniture.

Wish me luck! I need it!

Sounds like a good plan! I've been interested in CBT for stress control (job related), so would love to hear any thoughts or anything you find.
Good luck!
Heather

This may seem like a small thing but I recommend from experience, keeping that space clean and clear, as part of your martial arts practice.

There’s a zen saying, something like, “put your shoes in a line.” Have an ordered zone you can enter at any time.

CBT, lemme think, maybe I can relate what I would tell my younger self about talk therapy

Ego and Identity are powerful forces to propel you forward or tenaciously hold you back.

Ego and Identity, are you working for me, or am I instead just toiling for you?

Mindfulness is the key. You can pick up the thread of mindfulness at any time. If you drop the thread of mindfulness, no problem, just pick it back up again. If you realize that you have been wandering aimlessly, don't beat yourself up, love yourself because you deserve love, and pick up the thread of mindfulness again.

If Ego and Identity are working for you, and you are holding the thread of mindfulness, you may find yourself heading toward your goals at a million miles per hour. So smile!

I would also hand myself the book "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy" by William B. Irvine

Last thing I would remind myself that it always gets much worse before it becomes much much much better. Short term massive pain for long term gain is the inescapable truth.

I can explain further anything above. What do you think? Idiotic? Sane? Trivial? Profound? I love criticism!

Thank you Beany Boo and Heather for your encouragement. And such insight, Manuel Moe. Very helpful!

Good news bad news

Good: My conscious mind is doing very well: we had an excellent session yesterday, and we agreed on actions to try, that I've been putting off for some time: inviting out the pretty barista who has repeatedly given me unmistakable signals of interest, cleaning my apartment for said home dojang, continued time on time for my job search, and stretching to increase my flexibility for the upcoming Zoom martial arts kata tournament. I am right on track, here early in the week, and have an increasingly structured method to CBT.

Bad: My unconscious mind is bringing up extremely troubling dreams.

Nightmares are one thing, and last night was another level of hell. I reached out to my counselor to discuss this further.

Most strangely, my goals are the epitome of wholesome: dating, working, physical fitness, and cleanliness. Why would "I" (my subconscious self) rebel against such wanted and good changes?

Any thoughts?

Have any of you heard of similar issues?

I know, our dear friend Manuel Moe, that you mentioned that things get "much worse" during the process; is this an example?

I will speak from my autobiography. Your results will differ.

I was terrified to have my life "fire on all 8 cylinders" because then I would lose my back-door excuse for why my life wasn't as I wished it to be. When your life is "firing on all 8 cylinders" you _own_ your results, good or bad or indifferent.

This fear is fallacious because you can only live your best life if you are "firing on all 8 cylinders". My terror is not a good excuse to hobble myself.

I am currently "firing on 5 out of 8 cylinders", and improving a tiny bit each day. But because I lost my back-door excuse, I have to take time out regularly to mourn aspects of my life that are unfair. I acknowledge the unfairness, I breakdown and mourn the unfairness, then I accept the unfairness to the best of my ability. I repeat the ritual as needed.

Currently, the unfairness that I mourn is my deep lifelong depression and my being on the autism spectrum. It makes some dreams and some experiences out of my reach, realistically. Also I mourn the lack of good example as I was growing up, a good example of how a fully actualized and moral man should live.

In my experience, bringing the subconscious and the conscious mind into harmony is a painful and slow process, but an infinitely rewarding goal. Compassion for the self while striving for this goal is key. For me, the subconscious and the conscious mind are best brought into harmony by repetition of reflecting on the iron-clad logic of my mental and spiritual goals. If the logic is inescapable, I find that my subconscious mind eventually comes around with enough repetition.

The most painful shit is breaking down parts of identity and ego that failed me in my realistic goals. This shit is very painful and a very slow process. I had an unrealistic vision of myself that served me poorly in the really-existing world, and required a lot of energy to maintain.

Sigh. The person that I could realistically be was a lot more ordinary than the great great achieving _somebody_ that I was in my unrealistic dreams. I had to beat my unrealistic dreams with a shovel, metaphorically, like you would mercifully beat with a severe blow and kill an injured rabbit. My unrealistic dreams were keeping me from making human connections, and I was dying a thousand deaths because of that.

Writing this is giving me a slight headache. I will return to this later.

Thank you for sharing, Manuel Moe. I am glad to know that I am not alone, and send encouragement for your struggles (and I mean "struggles" in the best sense: to struggle against a life-long foe).

Though the original post is only four days old, much has changed:

I immediately opened the pages for the first ten Google results for "free CBT worksheet pdf" and sure enough the first page had an excellent form I've since used to good effect.

The dojang has been a mixed outcome:

I did declutter and get a quote for the junk furniture.

And I did set up my Century punching bag. The base needs to be filled with something heavy (water, sand, etc) so it doesn't tip over.

Instead of filling it with water (I was lacking a hose and the attachment for the faucet), which would have taken two minutes with no mess, I instead followed the dubious advice of filling it with kitty litter. Well, the kitty litter got everywhere, and my old-ass vacuum actually spread it around more.

While this seems like a major annoyance at the moment, I realized it is a good time to pull out, yes, my CBT sheet.

Did the kitty litter really get "everywhere"? And maybe it is time for a new vacuum cleaner. While my downstairs neighbors are very kind and patient, never complaining when I apologize about being noisy, will they get furious about me running the vacuum? Hmmm.

CBT can be applied to many situations. I am holding on.

Oak, you're putting in a lot of effort and in my book that makes you a success. I'm not sure if your reaction about having to vacuum up kitty litter would count as CAT-astrophizing (sorry) or perhaps black and white thinking, but I'm glad you discovered that there are other ways to view the situation.

Manuel Moe, I'm impressed and maybe even somewhat envious of the work you're doing with your therapist. I've never heard anyone, even my therapist, discuss the need to grieve about unfairness and having limited life experiences due to characteristics and upbringing that you had no control over. When you describe your grief, it helps me define some of the grief that I feel a bit better. The idea that it's okay to grieve for the loss of dreams and experiences, and then at least temporarily practice acceptance, and repeat the process, is new to me.

It might be worth wu wei-ing it (active non-action).

Leave the litter strewn. Get the vacuum cleaner out but don’t plug it in. Let the neighbors in your mind react to the silence.

You might have to clean it up eventually but in the meantime a pattern might be broken.

1. Thanks to friends.
2. Dojang update
3. A dubious anniversary
4. White knuckle CBT

1. Friends

@Beany Boo: Your advice helped me! It is great to have you hear (edit: an interesting Freudian slip!). You are such a gem.

@Rivergirl: I am purr-fectly aware that I litter-ally took said minor annoyance too far: you're not kitten. While that was last week, meow I need to paws to consider how I got like this. I need to rely on a Paw-er greater than myself, fur real.

And yes, Manuel Moe has such a talented and caring counseling. He deserves such excellent professional help.

2. The dojang, like my psyche thanks to CBT (see below) has the major junk cleared out, bringing to the foreground a bunch of dust and clutter I had ignored and forgotten about. While there is still a little clutter, two bulky sofas and a huge-ass 90s TV (it was massive) are now gone, and I have more space to breathe. My chi (which I suppose I believe in, in a limited way) can flow.

3. It was six months ago this minute that I lost my car to an accident. While I'm glad to survived, otherwise it has largely a negative experience. Of course, that was the same day my state shut down, and three days later I lost my job, so there's that. I had a lot on my plate then. Yikes.

4. CBT white knuckle:

Like getting the beat up, third hand furniture out of my emerging dojang, working with my counselor the CBT is really digging into three big issues of my life: physical fitness, dating, and professional success. While I'm much happier having demonstrated at least some courage in these important topics, it is also dredging up lots of old shame and secrets.

I had the worst nightmares of my entire life last week, after discussing the finer points of applying CBT. This week I confessed all my shames and secrets to my willing counselor (who comforted and absolved me, in a proper and professional way).

So I'll be white knuckling it tonight, because of course my GERD/acid reflux/sleep apnea is acting up. This I don't need, 2020.

But overall I'm enjoying facing my demons. CBT is good.