Using my words: family secrets.

[oak]

I am about to stir up some trouble in my family.

I have good reason to believe that, for my immediate family (me, and three sisters who already have children), there is a recessive gene that bypassed my generation and has affected the next generation (my nieces and nephews).

This recessive gene's disease is not visible, but is fairly to pretty serious. While I know the broadest sense of the symptoms, I don't know the specific name of the disorder(s).

Were I to marry a young woman, who wanted children, and not tell her, it would a disease to the level that such a woman would be very well justified in divorcing me. I'd also be wary to date a woman, who wanted children, and not tell her about this.

However, short of genetic testing (a possibility I'd consider) I can't be certain we carry this recessive gene.

I brought this question up to my mother, who I've had a strained relationship with, and my mother told me not to bring up this topic, ask about it, or discuss it further.

In other words, her family secrets are more important than a foundational part of her prospective daughter in law's happiness and peace of mind.

Go to hell, Oak, and screw you, in other words.

For unrelated reasons I'm making an appointment with a urologist soon, and I may want to discuss a vasectomy with this urologist. (I have numerous reasons to consider a vasectomy, and I realize how doing so would effect my marriage chances. I am indifferent to having children, but if I fell in love with a woman I wouldn't want to disappoint her, should she passionately want children.)

I know this is a lot. I am trying to sort out my thoughts.

I'm considering asking my sisters what the name of the disease is, so I can have something to discuss with a urologist or (more likely) a genetic counselor or (most likely) Dr. Google.

I suppose I can gain more knowledge, and more professional knowledge, about talking with the urologist in general about vasectomies.

More broadly, I'm astonished at the hatred and indifference my mother demonstrates for me and a future daughter in law. Family secrets are god to my mother. Where is her humanity? How does someone get so twisted?

[Heatherwantspeace]

My dad told me he knows things about my mom's childhood that "no one else knows". I asked him, since everyone involved is dead, and it could help me, could he tell me?
NO
we
must
keep
our
secrets
above
all
else

Stir up trouble, Oak.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am so glad my friend Heather is there for my friend Oak. Heather is A-Number-One, and Oak deserves no less.

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak,

Not sure why something plainly genetic like this should be a "secret". Lots of other interactional family things, maybe...

There are many stories where family members with chances of having heritable degenerate diseases decline to be tested, because the personal uncertainty is better than the actual knowing. This is their choice, right?
But passing something on to a child is a whole nother thing.

Little unclear about your sisters... do they have some knowledge of this? If so, I suppose they've mulled things over already for themselves?

[oak]

Yes, Manuel Moe, Heather is a gem!

@Heather: Yes, instead of bringing some healing, with consequences that are certainly quality of life and could be life and death, let's continue to serve these heavy, burdensome false idols, that are breaking our backs, to sate people long dead. I could discuss this all day.

@SnoringDog: Yes, they all know, very well: two of three sisters have children with a perhaps 25% chance of not living to adulthood. The third sister has a child, since recovered, who nearly died at birth from the condition(s). ie, had the child been born 50 years ago, without today's advanced surgery, the child (my nephew) would have died in infancy.

Everyone in the family knows there are real consequences, but don't want to discuss these consequences. I guess they got what they wanted, and keeping this all "a secret" is more important than the well-being of any children I'd have, or the wife who would bear them. I am told that even discussing this is too much to ask.

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,

I'm not excusing their behavior, but do you think there's an element of shame that your parents attach to the condition that contributes to their secrecy? I don't think any shame is deserved for a genetic condition, but in older generations (pre-Oprah, etc.) it seems to be common to view these matters very differently.

In any case, I'm sorry that your family's behavior around this issue makes you feel understandably dismissed and ignored.

You have a right to know about health issues that could affect your potential future family.

rg

[oak]

Well said, Rivergirl. Thank you.

Update of two actions taken, my decision, with a two-part plan to move this forward.

Action taken 1: I researched the regional genetic testing. They require a full family history.

Action taken 2: I asked one of my sisters, whose son nearly died at birth, in the most broad, general sense about the disorder(s). She was kind enough to say, curiously not speaking about her own children, but of our other sisters: there is nothing to see here, nothing going on (yeah right!).

Decision: I've decided to grit my teeth and bide my time. Right now I'm unemployed with no girlfriend. Both of those are subject to change.

And when they do, I'll be ready: I'll register for genetic counseling, receive the paperwork that requires family history, and then present it to my sisters as a fait acompli: this genetic counseling is happening, so if you want your side of the story heard now's the time to share what you know. Either way, I'm moving forward with this, because I am in love with my gf/fiance/wife, and this is happening.

Two part plan for moving forward:

1. Continue to do my thing (martial arts, job success) which may well lead to female attraction.
2. Post here in about three weeks, after my initial consultation with the urologist about the broad sweep of vasectomy.

Concluding thought:

It is funny how a limited thought ("I'm not sure if I carry a recessive gene. Perhaps I should consider a vasectomy.") is pulling one small thread that leads to multiple passionate and bitter considerations that lay bare the deep dysfunction of members of an ostensibly functional family.

There is a lot of hurt right under the surface. Perhaps we can never really know someone.

[Heatherwantspeace]

pulling one small thread that leads to multiple passionate and bitter considerations that lay bare the deep dysfunction of members of an ostensibly functional family.

This right here is why families sometimes fall apart after a parent dies. It seems like a fight about the Persian rug, but it's everything else.

Or why a daughter moves away and stays away.

Beautifully put, Oak.

(thank you for the kind words, MM and Oak. They mean so much, you have no idea)