present state

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hey friends, I thought I'd use this as a dumping ground for all the things rolling around in my head. I've been so all over the map, up, down, sideways. Thought this might help. (Obligatory awareness that others have it worse...)

I'm tired of ALL THIS. Not being able to (comfortably) travel, even for a little overnighter to refresh. All the little fun things that come with summer cancelled. Businesses going under.

Smoke. The fires are so far away, but smoke is a good traveler and our town is enveloped. It's depressing to look at, and I have to wear a mask every time I leave the house, even to go in the yard because I am susceptible.

Neighbourhood friendships:
1) expressed an interest in friendship last summer. She came up with a laundry list of things we could do together. I have been in this scenario before, of being the "lil buddy" that tags along. I set some boundaries, did one of the things, then said I would like to go for a walk and coffee (or whatever) because I would like to know her better. That wasn't in her plans, so she begged off with many excuses, there was never a day she could go. She won tickets to a concert and asked me. It was the day after a very important person in my life had died, so I said I appreciated the invite, but I was tired and grieving. She now ignores me when we pass. I'm okay with not being friends, sometimes interests don't align, but we're not in grade school and can still be friendly.

2) we have been friendly with other neighbours, had them over last year. We did them a favour in June, so they invited us over for dinner. I said sounds great! we are social distancing so it will need to be outside. They have an extensive dining set on their deck so this didn't seem to be an inconvenient request. Things immediately got weird and awkward. Dinner was never planned. I honestly don't know how anyone could take offense. We are all allowed to have different levels of comfort and I don't judge them.

Two people are dying on my street. One is elderly, one is very young. A third is either very acutely ill or also dying. Death has practically taken a room on our street.

Work will never get better. How do I survive a job I love overshadowed by toxic corporate management?

To do effective work with my therapist, I have to get to a very vulnerable place. I'm not sure I can do that on line. I can feel the knocking of my subconscious, but can't let them in.

Harry Potter stuff will now on have the shadow of transphobia. Can I still enjoy?

Bill and Ted movie was not good. Bogus!

I have little energy and initiative most days.

My neighbour's maple is turning crimson. I look forward to this every year.

Various charily runs are now "do your own thing". Now everyone can participate no matter their abilities or social comfort.

**********Schitt's Creek spoiler!************
The budding romance between David and Patrick on Schitt's Creek season 4. Sweet and kind and natural.
Alexis saying "tweeters" with gentle mocking but such affection.


I love autumn and I'm afraid all the things I love about it...being inside, baking, reading, movies, have been ruined by the virus because we've been forced to stay home so much already.

[Beany Boo]

Vulnerability doesn’t stop things from going wrong. It just stops you from making your existence the cause, when the other forces you there, by not admitting to their responsibility.

You’re freer to make decisions, and mistakes, without that encounter always looming.

Therapy gives you practice in modulating your degree of vulnerability. So you can move from very close, to the edge of the relationship and anywhere in between as you need.

I hope this helps

... us all

Also I hope I’ve mansplained it clearly enough

[Beany Boo]

Also, toxic organization...

Where I am at with that is asking, “how do I finish enabling this organization?”

[oak]

Thanks for sharing, Heather.

You are not alone, and you are heard.

Btw I live 2k miles from said fires, and last week the sun was blotted out for two days from the smoke.

Apocalyptic!

[brownblob]

2020 will not be missed. As with all things This too shall pass. Here's to hoping next year fall will be brisk and invigorating.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for sharing, Heather. Here are a few jumbled comments in reply:

You're definitely not alone in feeling exhausted by the pandemic. It feels like Spring and Summer were both cancelled this year in many ways. And it does seem like we've already had an extended preview of fall and winter. About feeling lack of energy and productivity, there was an onion.com article that made me smile titled "Man Not Sure Why He Thought Most Psychologically Taxing Situation Of His Life Would Be The Thing To Make Him Productive."

I'm sorry you're susceptible to the smoke. It feels unfair that you have yet another reason to have to wear a mask right now.

I relate completely to your reservations about online therapy. My therapist switched at the outset of our state shutdown in March, and I'm missing the sense of connection from in person visits. I even miss his office.

I'm a little too old to have been captivated by Harry Potter, but I know that feeling of having your idea of who an artist is completely shaken. We get advance copies of new books at work, and I've heard from coworkers that Rowling's new adult novel is also considered by some to be transphobic. It sounds like the controversy isn't going to die down.

I'm glad you're finding a few bright spots: your neighbor's tree, inclusive events, Schitt's Creek (have never watched, but perhaps I will after I finish "The Crown").

Take care, Heather.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Thanks for the replies. It's so great to be seen and heard. ***Sadness warning. Maybe read this later if you're feeling vulnerable.***

Work--how do I not let the 5-10 minutes dealing with the negligence of management when I arrive affect the 8 hours following which are often hectic but always enjoyable?
It's all about how I see it because we had 4 traumas back to back the other day and as soon as they were done, I was relaxed and calm, but the poor scheduling by my manager has me seething for days.

***Sadness***
The parents of the sick child down the street have now taken off work to be with her. This is beyond sad. This fucking world.
***end Sadness***

I had my first pumpkin spice baked good of the season. It did not disappoint.

I really love my job. I'm glad I found it later in life. I'm proud of my ability to retrain for things even though it's scary. I am aware of the privilege that allowed me to do this.

Today was a good day. Monday was not. So it goes.

It rained like an SOB today. Take that, smoke!

Rivergirl, episode one of Schitt's Creek universally makes people wonder why other people like the show. But the characters grow on you over the first season, and the rewards of season 4 are massive.

I'm not connecting at all with my therapist over the internet. The warmth that makes me feel safe isn't there. I like what you said about rehearsal, Beany Boo!

I hope MM has let himself play with lego. You don't have to respond. I just want to say I think about it from time to time because I know the joy an occasional toy brings me. I have something here in a box waiting for a lazy day.

I need more interests outside of work.

I treasure all of you.

[snoringdog]

Hello Heather,

It's great that you've found a job that you love! Many people can't say that.

About management, you've heard of the Peter Principle, right? Seems to be alive and well in a lot of places. Maybe, for now, just try to accept it as part of the bargain going in?

But there's gotta be a way to work with your colleagues to try to train the management. Maybe their problem is they can't say "No", or that they're reacting instead of responding? Gotta believe that they're open to suggestions to making things run more smoothly, even if it's only to make themselves look better to their bosses, right?

Regards

SD

[snoringdog]

Hello Heather,

I just reread your "seething for days"...

This manager seems ripe for the glowing-egg treatment that Beany Boo mentioned, right?

[Beany Boo]

Your manager seems to be trampling on your boundaries in a big way. I know a main reason you took the role was to foster mutual support. So their behavior is definitely not doing that.

If it were me I’d ask myself, “what am I doing wrong?”

I call this the anti-enabling question. It feels ridiculous and unfair. It usually gets under the rug though on what I’m doing to make sure the person I’m enabling can continue to get under my skin.

The answer is, initially at least, always the same. I don’t allow myself the opportunity (time + energy) to feel genuinely let down by their behavior. Instead I try with all my might, to look like nothing is wrong so that I can continue to fit in. In other words I seethe until I forget (why I’ve died a little inside).

There are good reasons to stay safe in a workplace. And speaking out, out loud, the words for what you really think and feel can be a black-belt move in certain contexts.

But feeling super let down by someone you are suppose to respect is something you can show to yourself and experience in bursts, over and over (until it stops feeling wrong to do so).

It gives you a chance to see what not enabling that person’s crap feels like, without inspiring their (probably secret) tantrum. And you might discover clues about how to ‘qualify’ them (allow them to see and own their awful problem).