YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I feel like it's self-indulgent to post again about my situation, and I hope I'm not taking up too much space here. I'm also afraid that what I've written below will make me too unlikable/pitiable and I wish this was not who I am or what my life is like, but this is the truth of my life right now. Sometimes I can't believe this is how my life turned out, but I know that I have to accept what I can't change, and try to change the things that are within my control.

I seem to be increasingly inconsistent over the past couple of months with basic self-care, including this past week, so I bought a habits tracker notepad that I plan to use this week to try to get back on track with sleep, eating habits, etc. I'm concerned that I might be developing depression again, and want to try to mitigate that with better self-care if possible.

I'm thinking today about Beany's suggestion to pause and not try to figure out what to do next when in a state of too much fear/arousal. I seem to be in a state of fear/anxiety/grief too often these days, especially on weekends.

The most immediate concerns I have right now are about:

Getting through the isolation of Covid for however long it is going to last.

Losing weight. I lost 10 lbs. while telecommuting because I was following better eating habits and walking in the mornings, but I'm now stuck at the same weight and have not been finding a way to exercise most days. I was fit and slender when younger, but have been overweight for the past 20 years.

Finding a place to move to. I feel like I've been in my current situation way too long, but I haven't found a place that seems adequate and affordable in the area where we currently live and where my mom would be living with my brother's family. The places that are adequate but also more affordable are in towns about 15 miles away, and at least right now it feels too difficult for me to live that far away from my family especially with the added isolation of Covid. I'm still looking but sometimes get so discouraged that I start to lose hope. I also feel like until I move I can't start dating again, because I don't want anyone I date to see where I currently live.

My situation with my therapist. I've been seeing him for four years and am very attached to him, but he is no longer accepting my insurance as of May. I've bee paying him out of pocket but am worried about the expense. He agreed to negotiate a lower fee but I haven't had the courage to ask him to do this. The other part of the situation that is very painful is that I have had romantic feelings for him almost the entire time he's been my therapist. He knows this and we've discussed it but that doesn't really help. I know that it may affect my therapy and my judgment about him as a therapist, but I can't bear the thought of not seeing him any more. My hope is that if I start dating again, the feelings for him will diminish and/or I can bear to get a new therapist or not go to therapy.

I'm sorry about posting so much, and although I know that theoretically we shouldn't feel like we have to apologize for who we are and our experiences, I feel deeply ashamed.

rg

I'm probably just making this worse now, but I want to add that I don't only care about myself, which was probably how my post sounded. I'm also concerned about my mom, my sister who is in another hospital again, and everyone who is suffering from Covid, the financial downturn, and all of the other issues that are affecting the planet right now as well as the difficulties that people go through that are just part of life. I do believe that there is love in the world, and beauty, and there are reasons to be hopeful.
I feel like my posts should be more positive and helpful, or at least more balanced.

I don't know why I decided to post today about the most negative things I'm feeling, or about the most personal and shameful thing that I don't share with anyone (about my therapist). I don't expect anyone to read all of this, or to want to hear all of this. I know it's way too much.

Rivergirl, thank you for posting. I'm glad you did.

And please, post as much as you like. You, and your voice, are important. I just posted about steak sauce (well, really about HALT), so if I'm okay, then you're okay.

While I can't offer any specific advice, I can state categorically that each of your struggles are worthy struggles. Housing, family relationships, therapy, and being attracted to "forbidden men/women" (which is delicious!) are all worthy things to struggle for.

To the extent that anyone is "normal", you are normal. You are facing important questions.

Thank you for your acceptance, Oak.

I know what you mean about steak sauce. I'm mostly vegetarian but I will buy it just to put on my veggie burgers.

Today I went for a 3-mile walk in a park. Tomorrow I'll get my hair done at a salon for the first time in 7 months. Things feel strange & sad but I keep going forward.

Hope your weekend went well.

Bit of a side bar....

I recently tried one of the "Impossible Burgers", and someone asked me how it tasted...

I said "Hmm...It gave me the same indigestion as the real thing, so I guess they got it right..."

(Really).

"And now, we return to our program that's already in progress..."

Hello Rivergirl,

Your statement

"Things feel strange & sad but I keep going forward." really strikes a chord with me.

That's been my outlook I think, most of my life. A bit sad, bewildered, hesitant, disconnected, but still swimming..

Hi Rivergirl,
I read your posts, and still think you are lovely and kind and warm and amazing! And now brave because you shared some really vulnerable things.

I think the romantic feelings thing is so common and normal. And healthy, as long as the therapist doesn't act on it. Like Beany Boo said somewhere in a post, therapy is a chance to practice vulnerability. I have had crushes on lots of practitioners, so you're not alone.

That's a really decent walk you took. Yay! And I hope your salon appointment is relaxing and you take in the attention. You are beautiful and deserve it.
We have to keep saying it, these are difficult times and doing anything is really an acomplishment.
Take care,
Heather

Thank you, snoringdog and Heather. It's such a relief to find out that I'm not going to be rejected for sharing some of these feelings.

It's easy for me to forget this, but you're so right, Heather:

"We have to keep saying it, these are difficult times and doing anything is really an accomplishment."

Re: How I feel right now
Post by snoringdog » October 12th, 2020, 10:31 pm.

(Withdrew this temporarily, reposting it today... SD)

Hello Rivergirl,

I read your post the other day, and wanted to reply... I've taken the liberty of responding in-line in italics

How I feel right now
Post by rivergirl » October 10th, 2020

I feel like it's self-indulgent to post again about my situation, and I hope I'm not taking up too much space here.

No, you are not. Paul can always buy another hard drive if it comes to that..

I'm also afraid that what I've written below will make me too unlikable/pitiable

Pshaw!

and I wish this was not who I am or what my life is like, but this is the truth of my life right now. Sometimes I can't believe this is how my life turned out, but I know that I have to accept what I can't change, and try to change the things that are within my control.

I seem to be increasingly inconsistent over the past couple of months with basic self-care, including this past week, so I bought a habits tracker notepad that I plan to use this week to try to get back on track with sleep, eating habits, etc. I'm concerned that I might be developing depression again, and want to try to mitigate that with better self-care if possible.

Yeah, it's the attention to the small things that makes a difference, right? Establishing a few habits and routines. It's a struggle though..... Either seems too hard, or why bother, or just skip it this once, or not enough time today, or I gotta do "X" first.....etc etc

I'm thinking today about Beany's suggestion to pause and not try to figure out what to do next when in a state of too much fear/arousal. I seem to be in a state of fear/anxiety/grief too often these days, especially on weekends.

Yes, that's good advice. When I stop for a few moments to just breathe and reflect, it keeps me from running off half-scattered to do something that seems so important at the moment, but is causing anxiety

The most immediate concerns I have right now are about:

Getting through the isolation of Covid for however long it is going to last.

Losing weight. I lost 10 lbs. while telecommuting because I was following better eating habits and walking in the mornings, but I'm now stuck at the same weight and have not been finding a way to exercise most days. I was fit and slender when younger, but have been overweight for the past 20 years.

Beany Boo recommended a 7-minute exercise phone-app that really helps. (Johnson & Johnson) Start slow, stop when you want, choose what you want, get gentle reminders. I feel resistance sometimes, but c'mon, it's only 7 minutes, it feels good afterwards, and the coach has an intriguing Aussie accent

Finding a place to move to. I feel like I've been in my current situation way too long, but I haven't found a place that seems adequate and affordable in the area where we currently live and where my mom would be living with my brother's family. The places that are adequate but also more affordable are in towns about 15 miles away, and at least right now it feels too difficult for me to live that far away from my family especially with the added isolation of Covid. I'm still looking but sometimes get so discouraged that I start to lose hope. I also feel like until I move I can't start dating again, because I don't want anyone I date to see where I currently live.

15 miles doesn't seem so far, especially on the West Coast, is it? 15 minutes, or is it more? And maybe just enough separation if and when you need it....

My situation with my therapist. I've been seeing him for four years and am very attached to him, but he is no longer accepting my insurance as of May.

What does that mean - they're no longer providing coverage for mental health, or that he doesn't want to accept their current payment rates? My dentist just did the same thing, went off Delta Dental because of some change in their policies, reimbursements or some such. But they still submit the claims, and I get the check and forward it to them with any additional that isn't covered. So far, not much difference out of pocket

I've been paying him out of pocket but am worried about the expense. He agreed to negotiate a lower fee but I haven't had the courage to ask him to do this.

You need to do this. He's already agreed to it and *he's* the one putting you in this position. Therapy sessions are expensive.... Is it all out of pocket now? (see above)

(Personally, I've always resisted the open-ended type of sessions, partly due to cost but also because I want to see some sort of progress, and talking about myself too long always seems self-defeating. That's why CBT caught my attention)

The other part of the situation that is very painful is that I have had romantic feelings for him almost the entire time he's been my therapist. He knows this and we've discussed it but that doesn't really help. I know that it may affect my therapy and my judgment about him as a therapist, but I can't bear the thought of not seeing him any more. My hope is that if I start dating again, the feelings for him will diminish and/or I can bear to get a new therapist or not go to therapy.

As Heather says, this is pretty common, and probably comes under the term "transference", right?

When your partner abandoned you for a co-worker, OMG that must have really hurt... such a personal rejection. And now, you're having personal & emotional discussions, and seeking advice from an attentive and caring man. Who can blame you for feeling attached?

When I was really wound-up awhile back, I felt so good after one therapy session that I hugged my therapist. Don't quite know how he took it, but it was spontaneous on my part (and probably came from my inner child )

I'm sorry about posting so much, and although I know that theoretically we shouldn't feel like we have to apologize for who we are and our experiences, I feel deeply ashamed.

Shame - don't we all carry that fucking burden?! Feeling less than, or deficient in, or unworthy of... I have often felt shame burning in my face....But this comes from comparing ourselves to others, or to some inflated sense of what or who we should be... Enough already! We're all worthy persons, doing the best we can...

rg

Re: How I feel right now
Postby rivergirl » October 10th, 2020, 1:08 pm

I'm probably just making this worse now, but I want to add that I don't only care about myself, which was probably how my post sounded.

What? Another episode? Thought you were finished.. What the hell are you going on about now....?

I'm also concerned about my mom, my sister who is in another hospital again, and everyone who is suffering from Covid, the financial downturn, and all of the other issues that are affecting the planet right now as well as the difficulties that people go through that are just part of life. I do believe that there is love in the world, and beauty, and there are reasons to be hopeful.

You are a beautiful person. And you are struggling with some heavy things...

I feel like my posts should be more positive and helpful, or at least more balanced.

But why? You'll depress us depressives? This gives us a small chance to connect, and to possibly help, or at least dispense some unsolicited advice!

I don't know why I decided to post today about the most negative things I'm feeling, or about the most personal and shameful thing that I don't share with anyone (about my therapist).

We don't know either, but we're glad you did, and hope it helped you feel a little better.

I don't expect anyone to read all of this, or to want to hear all of this.

I did, and don't mind.

I know it's way too much.

It's not.

SD

Snoringdog,

I appreciate your thoughtful comments and questions so much. I've been thinking about them all week, and will reply later this weekend.

I hope you're doing well this weekend.

rg