Speed Bumps!

[manuel_moe_g]

The more i think about it, the more i realize that living with my mind is like driving across a huge parking lot with many, many speed bumps.

My distractions are [1] eating [2] internet browsing and smartphone scrolling [3] naps [4] or any other time i fruitlessly, ridiculously wish i could just "be like a robot, get my work done, turn off my depression and anxiety, and just _work_"

My *best* *self* is just driving slowly over that next speed bump, and the next one and the next one, slowly.

My existence is like a parking lot with many speed bumps, because of the murky cocktail that is my brain chemistry, and the trauma of my upbringing.

If i try to drive too fast, i will just bottom-out, risk a breakdown where the rusty suspension just crumbles apart. Long, expensive repairs.

i always had a fantasy where someone would rescue me and make all the speedbumps disappear like magic, and give me a Lamborghini. This is a harmful fantasy, because it keeps me away from just slowly driving over the next speed bump. It is a fantasy that keeps me away from living my best life.

Again, my *best* *self* is just driving slowly over that next speed bump, and the next one and the next one, slowly.

i can feel bad about it, i can feel sad about it, i can feel sick about it, (to quote Frank Black) but it is the truth of my existence.

i have a huge amount of code to write at work, and everyone is waiting on me to complete it, and i am anxious about it, and i want to do _anything_ except work on that mountain of code.

but just drive over that next speed bump, slowly, is what i can do now. i have lied to myself for too long that my best life is anything different than this.

i am glad i have you guy's attentive hear and good advices. You guys are great, did you know that? It is true!

[rivergirl]

This makes complete sense, Manuel Moe. It's understandable that you'd fantasize about rescue and having your burdens taken away, and also good that you can now recognize that it's a fantasy. Your best life is still worthwhile and valid even if it doesn't match your fantasy life.

[oak]

Agreed!

Thanks for sharing.

[manuel_moe_g]

whoa! another amazing session with therapist, too much to summarize now, but some good stuff

[*] "nurturing message" combined with this "speed bump" technique

[*] post-traumatic-growth

[*] being mean to my 10 year old self, telling him "shut up!"

[*] spiritual fillers

[*] again with the "validate -> strategize -> nurture"

[*] {{{edit, almost forgot}}} neurogenesis!

Till we meet again, love you amigos!

[oak]

We love, cherish, and appreciate you right back.

I’m glad the session went so well. Keep it up.

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanking myself when I notice I can insert a mindful gap between stimulus and response.

When I need to get over the next speed bump, cheering myself on with "you got this! you are smart! you are good enough! i am proud of you!" to help gather up energy to get over the speed bump.

Coding is going good, if a bit slow. I am a careful coder, and the less I understand the more tests and assertions I add to my code.

I just noticed I could insert a mindful gap between stimulus and response, just right now. I thank myself.

Cheers!

[oak]

Word.

You’ve got this.

You can do it.

You’re enough.

We believe in you. Everything you said is true.

[Beany Boo]

When you’re operating like a robot; which I take to mean like an emotionally self-regulated adult, you’re going to have fuel in the tank for mindfulness practice.

The risk now I suspect, is from surrounding people who will want to draw on that energy for themselves. The form it will take is they’ll want to be rescued or they’ll act to persecute you in some way. They’ll treat you in a way that forces you to assume the role of a scared child. Or they’ll demand things of you like they’re a child and you’re an unreasonable parent.

I’m not talking here about your daughter. It’s more grown up children around you; colleagues who might be workaholics, people who display passive aggression, who discriminate, who gaslight, anyone you’re beholden to who secretly takes advantage. Good people; who don’t know they’re draining your vital force; or can’t help themselves.

The adult you is the mindful robot whose focused on the speed bump and who rolls over it with care, in the midst of all that.

[manuel_moe_g]

The moments when i am mindful, the moments when i can introduce a pause between stimulus and response, those moments are so rare i should really take time to thank myself, i should really take time to throw myself a little congratulations party.

How do you guys handle being mindful, i really want to know?

[manuel_moe_g]

Trying something new: https://mm.tt/1687253308?t=FOdh3HU97Q <---please click on this link

Let me know how this works for you, the mindmap above contains some Internet links, etc

previews below

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[*] "nurturing message" combined with this "speed bump" technique



[*] post-traumatic-growth



[*] being mean to my 10 year old self, telling him "shut up!"



[*] spiritual fillers



[*] again with the "validate -> strategize -> nurture"



[*] {{{edit, almost forgot}}} neurogenesis!

<see post-traumatic-growth>