YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Two caveats: this happened in The Before Times, and while I am pro-dog I am very much anti-people-who-actively-let their-dogs-attack-children-and-others-through-their-negligence-of-not-leashing.

Many of you know my father, who was walking right next to me, let loose dogs maul/jump on me as a five-year old. I was traumatized, and since hashed this out with my father.

Yet my family, who insist over my entire life that my bodily autonomy is of zero interest to them (I think they may get a non-sexual perverse pleasure out of violation of my person), demonstrates that as recently as 18 months ago, they continue to insist to learn nothing.

My sister has a large, happy, jumpy dog. That's fine. No problem.

My parents were watching said dog. I went to my parent's house. My parents stated said dog was safe.

With a coolness that surprised me, I heard myself saying:

"I am backing away from the dog. If you secure the dog somewhere away, now, I'll stay, and will stay in my car as you do so. If you won't secure the dog I'll leave now without another word."

Who here can guess what happened next?

Anyone?

They immediately put the dog away, and nothing further was said.

My parents are sick, deeply broken what it comes to my bodily autonomy.

Two thoughts:

1. When someone, like my parents, are considerably less moral than the Satanic Temple, it is time for them to look into their hearts, which they won't do. I say this because of one of the tenets of the Satanic Temple is: One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.

2. I am nobody's sucker anymore. While an orange belt in taekwando and every day carry of a Zebra pen can be seen (rightly) as self-defense, not very threatening to anyone (especially since I've never, and never will, start trouble with anyone) I am considerably more able to actively defend myself in an instant than I was as a helpless child and teenager.

Example:

Six months ago I was taking out my trash, minding my own business. A dog threateningly barked at me. I instantly swiveled and put my hands up. I was in a defensive taekwando stance (much as I love martial arts, stances might be favorite).

One more example: at the grocery store a year ago a big dude was hovering over me as I entered my debit PIN. I immediately put my hands up and faced him. Nothing came of it, but I am glad my training has had effect:

If I have my hands up, I have a plan.

I have one more traumatic story to share about keeping my hands up, but reviewing one trauma is enough for today. Thanks for listening!

oak wrote: ↑March 1st, 2021, 8:47 amWith a coolness that surprised me, I heard myself saying:
"I am backing away from the dog. If you secure the dog somewhere away, now, I'll stay, and will stay in my car as you do so. If you won't secure the dog I'll leave now without another word."

Damn, this is good stuff. It reminds me of Beany automatically standing up to prevent someone from standing over him at his desk. It is self-loving stuff. Man, this makes me so happy. Great for you!

Thank you, Manuel Moe. I want to post a reply to your kind, encouraging reply this weekend.

1. Episode in which I articulate my bodily autonomy.
1a. They don't like my taekwando defensive stance.
2. Episode in which I articulate my bodily autonomy five minutes later.
3. Perhaps Oak is someone not to trifle with.
4. Standing tall and moving forward.

1. Episode in which I articulate my bodily autonomy.

Everyone knows, going back 40 years now, that I was traumatized by wild dogs jumping on me when I was five years old. Heck, many of you know that. My mother refuses to learn it, as we'll see below.

My parents live next to my sister. My father has moderate to severe late-stage Parkinson's. His (appropriate) love for me is full of pathos. He just wants to see his only living son. In the best of circumstances he may not get many more chances to see me, and even fewer for the sheer stupidity I describe below. They will pay any price in my father's suffering to try to traumatize me.

My parents are fully vaccinated, and I had a rental car so I stopped by for a socially distant visit. My father was delighted to see me.

Well, you know where this is headed: my sister lets her dog loose. While I have no problem with my sister or the dog, the dog runs right towards me. I immediately cross my arms, head down, and walk to the rental car. Me and my parents have been through this before, and insisted on not learning.

They secured said dog and beckoned me back. I came back, and forcefully explained that I WILL defend my bodily autonomy. My mother is a bully, and is the only one allowed to have trauma, so she did her exaggerated fake cringe. No normal response of "We know you've been traumatized, so we'll do anything to make you safe."

And besides, friends, letting loose dog that crowds on your traumatized son/brother, time and again over four decades, is an active act of violence. There, I said it. They choose to re-traumatize me. They don't care, and also are perhaps evil.

1a. They don't like my taekwando defensive stance.

I was extremely wary and cagy, and frankly got into taekwando defensive (but ready) stance. And yes, I instinctively pulled out my every day carry, an ordinary Zebra pen.

It was something like this brother here:

https://pixers.us/wall-murals/forward-s ... do-1709475

(btw that is a pretty badass stance! Anyone who will use that stance is therefore pretty badass. I hardly recognize myself from a year ago!)

2. Episode in which I articulate my bodily autonomy five minutes later.

Calmed somewhat, I stated that I'd be glad to visit them again in a week, provided the dog was secured.

"Well...." my mother whined "your sister is going on vacation, and we have to watch the dog..."

"Choose between me and the dog." I sternly said.

"Well..." (and I think you can intuit my mother's voice) "we could put the dog in another room, but it will begin to bark after a few minutes."

Furious, I said: "You choose! Me or the dog! For a long time I let others mess with my body. No more! Anyone can test me!"

I know this sounds weird and hyperbolic, but honesty is just pure. Honesty can be expressed with great indignation and rage.

I know now that my mother is incapable of understanding that I have bodily autonomy. She will not protect it. She incapable of empathy. Something is deeply broken and missing.

3. Perhaps Oak is someone not to trifle with.

Compared to who I was a year ago, I am considerably more ready to defend myself. I'll never start anything, but I am getting increasingly clear about expressing my boundaries, and backing up those boundaries with powerful techniques. Heaven forbid I should use what I've practiced. But I am ready.

4. Standing tall and moving forward.

Immediately afterward I found myself shoulders back and down, head up. I was sorry it had come to that, but glad that I very clearly and forcefully articulated my physical boundaries, and clearly elucidated through my actions that I was actively defending myself.

Taekwando, stick/pen fighting, even tai chi: these are serious matters. I am glad I've loved myself and my person enough to study them.

Wow...

Good job

Thank you for sharing this story, Oak.

Thinking of Manuel Moe's post about inner children, I think you not only protected your adult self but you also stood up for 5 year old Oak who was traumatized by dogs and didn't have a parent to turn to for protection. Your family is still incapable of empathy about your trauma, but it's awesome that you took action to protect yourself and "little Oak."

rg

Thank you Beany Boo and Rivergirl. Your encouragement means so much to me as I experience trauma.

1. What happened since then.
2. Disassociation: that happened.
3. Oak's self defense advice: avoid and de-escalate trouble, until you can't, and then do anything. And loudly.
4. Family cruelty: games to appease the narcicissist.
5. Sending a message and all's well that ends well (...for now).

1. What happened since then.

Since Thursday I had two calls with my parents to explain that what happened Thursday will never happen again, and that I will ensure so by never going to their house again. We can meet elsewhere (see #4 below). Neither my parents or sisters called to apologize.

I've also contacted my taekwando instructor to restart once I'm vaccinated. I fully intend to be prepared to defend myself in the future. This is real.

2. Disassociation: that happened.

This is difficult to share, so here's all I'll say: I disassociated for a second or two.

3. Oak's self defense advice: avoid and de-escalate trouble, until you can't, and then do anything. And loudly.

99.9% of the time it is appropriate for me to de-escalate and flee in fight or flight situations. If I can't flee (ie getting mauled by a dog), then I can verbally de-escalate. Heaven forbid a situation goes further.

Jerks and bullies keep escalating these worthless situations. I'm increasingly learning I have to make the situation so miserable for them that the (often sexual, I am convinced) pleasure they get from bullying is no longer worth it.

And bullies/narcissists will always deflect, minimize, equivocate, gaslight/obstruct/project. But there comes a time where decades of rage come out, like it did with me Thursday, and suddenly the conversation will very much stay on topic.

It has to not be worth it to the bullies. I let them get away with it for decades, and they act all surprised when I stand up for myself. I hate them. And I don't use the word "hate" lightly. I hate them.

4. Family cruelty: games to appease the narcicissist.

You may be saying to yourself: "But Oak, isn't there an easy and obvious solution to this problem? Simply secure the dog during the half hour a week you visit your parents". Yes!

Instead, we went through all this drama and I told my parents I will never go to their house again. Meanwhile my narcicissist sister gets to replay the family drama.

My parents and I have upset and inconvenience and my sister can go along, unthinking. She is like Tom Buchanon in my beloved Gatsby. No consequences.

I have rage.

5. Sending a message and all's well that ends well (...for now).

That being said, I moved the needle this week. My family has still jerked me around, but may well think twice. I'm not sure if they caught that I disassociated, but I instinctively drew a line.

Bullies are cowards, and with decades of rage they may reconsider messing with me. (Of course I am very cognizant of men who let rage get the best of them: Achilles in the Illiad, our main man in The Count of Monte Cristo, and even Ian/Hawk from Cobra Kai: he lost the beautiful hippie!)(

More importantly I know I am ready to defend myself should a higher stakes threat come along someday. I am a taekwando orange belt with rusty skills, but that may be all I need to enforce my bodily autonomy.

Please don't be ashamed about disassociation, Oak. I believe it's related to trauma, grief, and other issues that are deep and not under our conscious control at times.

I'm sad that you have this dynamic in your family, but I'm proud of you for drawing a line in the sand. As you said, there may be higher stakes situations in the future where this practice will help you protect yourself (your psyche if not your bodily safety).

Sometimes when I remember things that were done in my family of origin it makes me cringe (often cruelty masked as humor).

By recognizing this dynamic you're also making it less likely that you'll repeat the cycle in your own future friendships/relationships.

rg

Yes, you laid down the law. It’s unlikely you will have to reiterate it with the same intensity again. It’s just refining and making sure it’s a shared boundary; that you don’t assume sole responsibility for maintaining it.

Thank you, as always, RiverGirl and BeanyBoo. Your encouragement has been a great comfort to me.

I realize that lots of this is in regards to family trauma, the resulting drama which will play out in the coming weeks. I definitely moved the needle.

Just as importantly I realized:

1. It is natural (amoral, in other words) to disassociate.

2. Taekwando is an excellent fit for me. I've talked with my instructor, and we planned for me to get back into it once I am vaccinated.

The odd thing: you, my friend, and my friend I shared this experience with all were kind, encouraging, and looking to taking action for a brighter future. My family has all been negative to me, no energy, no movement from one state to another, no focus on action or the future.

Lastly, living by myself has been awesome. While I wish I had a girlfriend, I've had the last year to myself in my apartment. While there have been some moments, overall I very much enjoy my own company many times more than I do of my family of origin.

With that, I'll retire this thread with gratitude. Thank you for listening!