YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

My birthday came and went friday with zero acknowledgment from my boyfriend.

I’m not mad at him but since I’m writing about it right now, it must be bothering me more than I’d like to admit.

I got a nice card from my mom and my aunt sent me a card with $20. So, I wasn’t completely forgotten about.

He didn’t forget because of the holiday, either. I mentioned it a couple of times the week leading up to it, and on the day. Not even a “happy birthday”.

To be fair, I completely forgot his birthday a couple years ago. I realized late afternoon that day, and was horrified and apologized. I normally try to do something, any little thing, at the very least say happy birthday out loud to him.

I’ll get over it.

You are not being selfish, you have every reason to be cranky.

Edit to add, in case it wasn’t clear: Happy birthday! We celebrate you.

Happy birthday to you, RightInTwo!!!

We are only a couple of days apart, so happy birthday to us!

I hope this week goes better for you!

RIT, it has been a few days now.

How are you doing? How is this going?

Thanks for checking on me, oak!

I’m much better today.

In my relationships, I am an expert at avoiding conflict.

It takes a LOT, either an egregious boundary violation, or one of my hyper-sensitive triggers, to make me say something in the moment. And that’s almost never a good thing, because that’s the worst way to deal with conflict (me reacting in hurt / rage).

So, I’m never quite sure if I did a good thing by not complaining about a thing, or if I’m just using the same old childish passive aggressive tactics.

Either way, this particular thing is past, and not much damage occurred, so… yay(?)

As I understand it there are 2 types of conflict. Sorry if this sounds like mansplaining.

There’s conflict that breaks the relationship.

Then there’s conflict that doesn’t break the relationship.

Depending on your blueprint it may be difficult to tell the difference. People will hold a relationship to ransom just so they can get a glass of water.

Conflicts that don’t break the relationship occur and are then repaired. Repair takes a number of tries. Repair requires both members.

Repair can be frightening until you’ve seen a few.

That’s what I know.

Hi beany

I’m doing my best to not ghost again, lol…

Yeah I get what you’re saying. The tough thing for me is
-discernment-
between what could/would/should be a deal breaker, and what can be worked through in time. Since I have a history of staying in abusive relationships way, way longer than I should have.

I hardly ever talk to anyone about relationship conflicts, too. (Other than in here - I have come to trust people here to be more objective than your average “normie” ) Because it’s too easy for me to spin the story in a way that I look like a victim, plus I think most people assume that you want absolute support in a “me vs. them” scenario, even when you aren’t trying to make it that. I don’t want to hear things like “omg, you deserve so much better” even if it comes from the best intentions.

The two of us have had some horrific fights. Once (years ago) I threw a solid wood cutting board at him across the kitchen. But we have both grown up a lot since then, and I have seen him change (a lot!) for the better, of his own initiative. I have never once told, asked, or hinted at him to change. Unless you count throwing household objects a hint .

So, yes, repair takes time, and we both keep trying. I guess that’s what love is, maybe.