YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm living for me, man.

2023 is going to be what I want.

All my life I grew up with intense shaming from my my mother.

Though I didn't post this, this Reddit post sums it up for me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/savm0s/be_the_bigger_person_why_tiny_rant/

Or, how about this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/unpopularopinion/comments/nkppem/be_the_bigger_person_is_always_a_demand_to_ignore/

All this DARVO, man. I've had it.

My mother has always stuck up for my abusers, automatically. We're estranged. She claims to be "pro-family" (spoiler: it is racism, all the way down), yet her own son wants nothing to do with her. She hasn't worked six months since 1963, and always identifies with the oppressor.

Going forward

Going forward, I'll always be civil. I'll often be kind, warm, and generous.

Until someone drops this old DARVO, as if this is still the pre pandemic world we tolerated this garbage, in which case I just walk away.

I've taken all the abuse I'm going to take. I'm done, man.

If someone doesn't like it, deuces.

Thoughts on moving forward

Lately I think often, my friends, of the Anna Karenina Principle (AKP):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Karenina_principle

Not that I think it is wholly correct (I don't), but it gives me somewhere to start, for 2023.

One of my 2023 goals is to participate in an American Kettlebell Organization competition one state over in September 2023. A worthy goal.

Let's say that here, in 2022, I have two messes (I like the term "mishegas"): being physically fit (competent) and being able to actually show up (financial) that could wreck my 2023 plans. So far so good.

Per the AKP, if I fail in either then no kettlebell competition.

And my resentment of the fools above is something I can't carry into 2023.

Preparing for the kettlebell competition will taken plenty of energy. And every "unit" of this energy (spoon, perhaps, daily) I spend on resentment (however justified) is a spoon I can't spend on kettlebell.

Noticing I'm not forgiving, excusing, explaining, ignoring, condoning, celebrating, or accepting these fools' garbage behavior.

I just have to move on.

It’s incredible Oak what one person’s behaviour towards us growing up does to ourselves.

You can see your mother treated you poorly, this is pleasing as some people don’t see it and accept it as love of some kind.

Your ability to move forward is incredibly brave and I’m personally understand the pain this can cause and the tornado of emotions that’s got a capability to self destroy our own souls.

You do what is right for you, you take back ownership of yourself and your emotions. Sure her past torment will weave it’s way under your wings from time to time but use that feeling to get stronger.

Admire you deeply my friend

Mental Fairy wrote: ↑September 24th, 2022, 4:15 pm You do what is right for you, you take back ownership of yourself and your emotions. Sure her past torment will weave it’s way under your wings from time to time but use that feeling to get stronger.

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing such lovely, thoughtful, encouraging thoughts.

I appreciate all of your reply, and in particular I take "get stronger" in both (1) the sense I imagine you meant, of emotionally and morally stronger, and (2) just for fun: to get physically stronger, by swinging some kettlebells around for the next year.

I suppose I could say more about these unfortunate people (making their own misfortune), but I can choose to focus on a very few things for 2023, things of my own choosing: curing sleep apnea, finding higher paying work, and a summer of fun (Zumba, swing dancing, kettlebell competition).

These wonderful things will take all my energy/spoons. There are people and ideas and habits and hierarchies I'll have to leave behind.

My future doesn't have space for them. I can't carry them. I choose to carry kettlebells.

You can carry heavy burdens that will actually do you some good!

oak wrote: ↑September 26th, 2022, 5:25 am These wonderful things will take all my energy/spoons. There are people and ideas and habits and hierarchies I'll have to leave behind.
My future doesn't have space for them. I can't carry them. I choose to carry kettlebells.

well put, Oak, so proud to call you friend and brother