I’m a mess

[inthewhitehouse]

I read the header, about not being alone. But it’s what I feel like, like I’m terribly alone and drowning in shame. My home is a mess and I’m so afraid someone I know will come here and see it. I feel like I’m an awful lazy person who just need to get a grip. Like I need a slap in the face and be told to just do it.

Last night I dreamt that I met my sisters ex again. He unalived himself 6 months ago. I had a special connection to him and I loved him. I might actually have been in love with him. In the dream I comforted him, we hugged. One of those long long hugs that was full of grief and desperation and love. The last time I met him he kissed me on the cheek. Twice. We had a long drunken talk about mental illness, pain and death while chain smoking on my balcony. God I miss him.

I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t depressed. When I didn’t have anxiety. It started early. Maybe in middle school? Now I didn’t know what it was. It was many years later that I found out what anxiety was. What depression was. I am 36 now. Haven’t taken my antidepressants for months, I can’t explain why. I see a therapist every 2 weeks. It helps. I’m so sick of feeling like this. Feeling stuck and paralysed. I’m crying now, it’s a good thing. At least something is coming out.

I’m new to the forum, not sure if I posted this in the right place. I’m sorry if I’m doing something wrong. Just needed to tell someone about what is going through my head.

You know what, I’m actually gonna go and take a small dose of my medicine now. Like an attempt of starting over. I need to do something and that feels like a doable task. Bye

[manuel_moe_g]

I feel like I’m an awful lazy person who just need to get a grip.

You are not lazy, you are rationally responding to being in pain.

You know what, I’m actually gonna go and take a small dose of my medicine now.

This is great, a great way to re-introduce your body to your medicine.

Please take care, keep the lines of communication open, you are most definitely not alone! All the best!

[oak]

Welcome!

Thank you for sharing.

You are not alone.

Specifically, I also have a cluttered living space ATM.

I hope your medicine action turned out well. Keep us posted!

[duck1]

Thanks inthewhitehouse so much for posting and sharing. I hope you feel a little better now. I could relate to everything you wrote. I am almost 44 I have a husband and a daughter -12 years old (single child). My house doesn't look like a "real house" at best, a messy dorm house, or a house of a family with three toddlers.

Lately I read a book about my ADHD (which I have), and it helped me remember, that I am not bad, or lazy, or stupid. Some things are harder for me than others like being organized. In fact, I can be quite proud of myself that despite my difficulties, I have accomplishments.

I hope this gives you some comfort and a feeling that you are not alone.

[snoringdog]

Hello Inthewhitehouse,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Your post is so sad to read, but we're glad that you're here. (You've done nothing wrong, but everything right, BTW)

For what it's worth, we are listening. Sometimes that just helps to know, I hope....

Are you feeling better today?

SD

[rivergirl]

Hi inthewhitehouse,

I wish I could give you a hug right now (if it was ok w/you). Sending a virtual hug.

You’ve been through a lot losing a loved one that way, especially when you already struggle with depression and anxiety.

You deserve some compassion & understanding, not a slap.

I care & hope you’ll keep posting and let us know how you’re doing.

rivergirl

[Mental Fairy]

Hi inthewhitehouse

I wish to send you a mental hug, you know the kind. The one that helps take the edge off the day, the day before and the next day.

Aloneness is a feeling that envelopes us at the strangest times. Then on the other hand can become suffocating.

Standing in a room full, class full, house full of people and it wraps it’s arms around you like some annoying family member and screams ‘I got you’

Rest assured 99.9% of us are here on this forum due to that feeling. It makes us do and say things we don’t understand ourselves.

Please know you can be as open or non open as you like here, just please understand we are here, we read your thoughts and we care about every word. Even though we have never come to meet we all feel feelings we relate too.

Mental hugs my friend

[Beany Boo]

Hi Itw,

I’m glad you took the step of posting in the forum. I think it’s a good move. Sometimes just finding the words, with strangers who are listening, and might have similar struggles, can help.

Great job

Click on ‘Active Topics’ to see all current conversations.

[inthewhitehouse]

Object permanence is an issue I have. Replying to messages and posts another. Thank you thank you thank you for all your replies. I’m still a mess and feeling lost but fortunately the anxiety level is lower today. I’ve taken a low dose of sertraline every day now.

Tired of everything feeling like a struggle.

[Mental Fairy]

Rest is key, balance and rest. We are here, we are listening and we totally get you.