Christmas weekend

[rivergirl]

Hello there,

The long holiday weekends are still rough, even though I think I'm doing better than I was a few months ago. I'm so afraid that if I don't continually put on a false front of being okay that I'll lose the connections I have, which already feel too fragile. I feel like my loneliness and sadness are flaws that make me unworthy of connection. It feels like at any moment everyone will disappear from my life, or reject me. I'm afraid of losing you all as well.

This weekend my online therapist didn't show up for an appointment on Saturday or respond to my text. She's been erratic recently, cancelling appointments last minute, and this feels scary to me. I know it's not personal but it feels like more evidence of how unsafe the world is. It seems like I can't keep seeing her but I don't know that I can go through starting with a new therapist again.

My mom wasn't well yesterday and I ended up going to my brother's for dinner alone on Christmas. When we get together it's cordial but it's also painful to me. Recently they don't reach out to me at all unless it's to text me about getting together briefly on holidays. i was reaching out to them (keeping it light) but I stopped a couple of months ago because it isn't reciprocated. I miss them.

I'm ashamed to say this but even though I sometimes have better days, I still have many times when I don't want to be in the world because of feeling so much grief, loneliness, and just generally unsafe and without any anchor of a safe person I can turn to.

Maybe it's wrong, but my only hope is that I will meet someone who will be like my family. I'm sorry that I'm posting this. I think not being able to talk to my therapist for weeks now, plus the holidays and being alone and all the memories are just overwhelming me today.

Thank you for listening.

rivergirl

[oak]

RiverGirl, thank you for sharing.

It takes a lot of courage to share what you did. These are real issues.

There is much more I’d like to say, but I’m a bit HALT

I/we accept you just as you are.

[manuel_moe_g]

I wasn’t kidding when I said you are a terrific person

Yeah, loneliness and sadness are part of a vicious downward spiral, I wish it was different. The only way out is to act “as if” you are self-satisfied when it comes to human connection and you are happy. When it gets to be too much to put on an act, cry alone and pray for strength. There is no other way out, it sucks

Please work to find another therapist, I had a string of bad therapists until I found a good one, if too much to speak through your introduction to your issues, you can write it out, along with your goals

Yeah, I miss constantly calling my mom, now knowing all too well she is not safe

Don’t be ashamed, so many terrific people suffering and it is not their fault

Keep the lines of communication open, RG, you rock and it is more and more obvious with every word you write

[oak]

I wasn’t kidding when I said you are a terrific person

Word. Agreed with Manuel Moe.

Please work to find another therapist

Word.

Just say the word and I'll ask my excellent counselor (1) if she is licensed in your state or (2) if not, if she has any worthy friends so licensed.

Feel free to disregard this advice, RiverGirl:

I'd not be afraid to dump her sooner than later. I'm not suggesting going without a counselor, but the fact is your current one is doing nothing anyway.

I'm expressing myself clearly, but prompt action seems indicated.

You're worth it.

[rivergirl]

Many heartfelt thanks, MM & Oak.

I was back at work today and felt more even-keeled, just exhausted. I keep forgetting that I've had 3 migraines since Thursday and that undoubtedly contributed to my mood finally bottoming out yesterday. Thinking about your words of wisdom and when I have more energy will get back to work opln my plans.

You're the best (along with everyone else here on the forum). Such a relief to be able to be real.

rg

[Beany Boo]

Hi rg,

I feel no compulsion to thrown shame for any of the feelings coming up.

I could just be having my own experience over here, but.

When I read the post, I see someone with a strong need. There is also a fear. The fear is of being tricked? It feels like, a fear of getting tricked… out of close relationships, of various kinds.

I’m not sure what shape the trick takes. It might vary dependent on the respective relationships. The clearer the need becomes, the more florid the fear of being tricked. The price of falling for the trick: agonizing shame.

Again, this might just by my stuff, which I accept. In that case, thank you for reading.

[oak]

Very good, RiverGirl!

Also, keep an eye out for that most sneaky of holidays: New Year’s.

Keep us posted!

[Mental Fairy]

Rivergirl, thank you for letting us in. Thank you for reaching out.

It takes a brave person to tap these words.

At first coming on here i felt shame, i felt naked and i felt free all at the same time.

Everyone on here knows more about me than my own husband so we are all effectively dating!!! Minus a few things of course. We all have connection, understanding and acceptance. Not many partnerships have this.

I understand your aloneness and it sounds like your relationship with your brother is similar to mine. We only reach out every now and then. There is to many unsaid words and conversations at the surface that being around each other to long we become awkward.

You will not lose us, you do need to lose your therapist however. Finding a replacement would be priority number one.

While out shopping for new work clothing yesterday i had a passing thought that i have never once been shopping with a friend. I so very much wish i could teleport you over here to go shopping with!

I think some goal setting might help you also? Just putting it out there, you can ignore this advice also if you are not ready. Maybe new hobby next year? Back to book group? Making a plan for dating? Please start small, don't set yourself something you can't reach.

We are here to support and help in any way.

I hope mum is feeling better. It is so hard being the primary caregiver.

[rivergirl]

Thank you all. I'm grateful for the comments and want to respond more specifically when I'm able. So thankful for your attention and kindness.

rg