YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi friends.

2023 has been very difficult for me:

(1) I am overwhelmed at work and (2) a neighbor has been following me/muttering at me. My work and home lives, the foundation and refuge of a happy man, are filled with strife and worry.

This in addition to my pre-existing sorrows, especially loneliness and being paycheck to paycheck.

Thursday, yesterday, I had a strong panic attack (not heart attack, though I’ll immediately seek help if these all-too-common panic attack symptoms change).

I’ll post more soon, about the following:

1. Taking time off the next ten days. (A formal leave of absence is probably not indicated yet, but is not far off.)

2. Getting short term counseling through my employee assistance program.

3. Facing the causes of this anxiety: financial precarity, the recurrent sleep apnea, the CPAP debacle, and getting out more.

There is good news:

1. Before the panic attack, I told my kind grandboss what I’ve been stuffing down for two months: I can’t unf*ck the data I’m supposed to work with. This was a large part of my anxiety these past few months, and my lovely grandboss was actually glad to hear the truth.

2. Socially, I am being noticed at the gym (I’m still faithfully exercising and my nutrition is okay). I have social events to look forward to in each of the next two weeks.

3. I have many mental/emotional/moral resources, including the good friends here in this forum.

4. I have my Anxiety workbook (that blue book) that gave me tools to face and mitigate my anxieties in the terrible days of 2017.

More soon.

Thank you for standing by me!

Update 1

I have five days off, including this weekend. While I couldn't tolerate the idea of working today (Friday), I have until Wednesday to pull myself together.

I've already taken direct action on my most anxiety-creating worries:

1. Job overwhelm: I told my grandboss that I can't "unf*ck" this data, and he offered new methods to help me succeed in the position.

(Said another way: I wash my hands of this mess, so I can focus on other important responsibilities.)

2. Threatening neighbor: I talked with my apartment management about steps to change complexes, if the situation escalates much further.

3. CPAP: I talked to my doctor (so kind and helpful!) and left a message for the CPAP supply company about getting me a different mask.

Those three things, my friends, have been about 90% of my acute anxieties (and they are indeed anxieties) since November.

I recognize that I am on a downward spiral. Fortunately, I have been able to (1) recognize that I am struggling, (2) identify the causes, (3) clearly and kindly express my sorrows to people who can help, and (4) taken preliminary action to mitigate or resolve these issues.

Lastly, I admit that, like everyone, I have character defects that got me where I am today. I don't deny, excuse, or equivocate on any of them.

I am broken.

Let's be broken together! My warped area can fit with your cracked area, and together we can make something new, a mosaic.

I am currently experiencing being broken and still moving forward, and realizing that my brokenness will not magically vanish and nobody is coming to save me

It is a good place to be, it is the best place to be, getting knocked down and getting back up

manuel_moe_g wrote: ↑January 20th, 2023, 10:04 am It is a good place to be, it is the best place to be, getting knocked down and getting back up

Well said, Manuel Moe. Thank you for sharing.

And, may I ask you a sensitive/difficult/perhaps-triggering question?

(Feel free not to answer, considering how intrusive it is.)

Have you ever had a nervous breakdown?

(Let me define my terms: “nervous breakdown” according to both Dr. Reddit and Dr. Wikipedia, is an informal term for panic attack. Which I clearly had Thursday. Additionally, I find the idea that one “needs a breakdown to have a breakthrough” useful and powerful.)

I had an extended breakdown at the age of 25 where I realized I was a few bad days away from ending it for myself

So I finally got serious about my mental health and my desire for an intimate relationship

But having a <nervous breakdown>, no, can’t say I ever had one

Hello Oak,

I had to look that up, just to check.

When I was in Catholic grade school, I remember my parents saying that one of the teachers had a "nervous breakdown" and wasn't sure what it meant. (And I'm pretty sure I didn't ask either, typical oblivious kid )

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-nervous-breakdown-4172381

Reply to Manuel Moe
Reply to Snoring Dog
Today
Monday and Tuesday
In the meantime

Reply to Manuel Moe

manuel_moe_g wrote: ↑January 20th, 2023, 9:03 pm I had an extended breakdown at the age of 25 where I realized I was a few bad days away from ending it for myself

Thank you for sharing, Manuel Moe.

Perhaps like you, I realized that, as bad as this breakdown has been, if I don't make big changes soon, then something worse will happen.

Reply to Snoring Dog

snoringdog wrote: ↑January 21st, 2023, 10:33 am https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-nervous-breakdown-4172381

Thank you for the article, Snoring Dog. I found it enlightening and nuanced. I definitely had something of a breakdown.

Today

I made a frank assessment, which I will perhaps share in brief later, about what conditions, happenings, and habits caused this breakdown.

My only goal was to make such a moral autopsy, if I can call it that.

I have already taken direct action on many of these deeply troubling situations.

Monday and Tuesday

Considering that I've long taken Sundays for myself, since I am scheduled to return to work Wednesday, I am considering what to accomplish Monday and Tuesday.

Restating the above, bad choices and habits caused me to break down in January. I can make better choices and habits to experience a happier future. I will begin effecting these direct actions Monday and Tuesday.

In the meantime

Until then I am careful to continue to shower, shave, wear clean clothes, eat regularly, and enjoy light exercise. Habits are powerful, and I can't afford to be brought down any further by them.

Saying all of the above was the last of the responsibilities I want take until Monday morning. For the rest of the weekend I'll play videogames and watch the NFL playoffs. Monday can take care of Monday on Monday.

Hi Oak

Sorry you are going through this, you are making proactive steps taking time off.

Time to focus focus focus.

Thinking of you

Mental Fairy: thank you for your encouragement and advice. My “focus” begins today.

Friends, today I talk with a good friend about my plan for the next three months.

By May 1, with a little luck, I can go along way to turning my career around. I have started a Google certification for an in-demand skill.

Considering I have spent 4.5 hours a day on Reddit for the last five years (cringe), I’m sure I can find ten hours a week to complete this certificate rapidly.

I’m going to get it all out with my friend today.

I can start on better habits Monday, but for today: honesty with friends (including this forum), watching the early football game, and sleep hygiene tonight.

Said another way

I still have all the serious problems I had Thursday: now I have a plan and a little hope.

Friends!

I am doing better.

I have to go back to work the day after tomorrow, but for these past four days I’ve taken care of myself, assessed where I went wrong, what I did right, and have already taken big steps to address my faults.

My future has been teetering: I could easily see myself slipping into bitterness had I not posted here, asked for help, and taken action to confront my faults and redouble on my strengths.