Loneliness and attachment to my mother

[manuel_moe_g]

Actually, now thinking about it can I ask if you could write down what would your ideal dream be for you to experience with mum? A dinner or walk? A location to visit and conversation you would love to have.

It is completely selfish on my part. When I get lonely and bored, I wish I could call her and just gab about what exactly is going on in my life. I wish I could call her several times a day and share everything going on in my life, from the mundane to the personal.

But, like I said, the closer you get to my mom, the worse she treats you. So now I am always thinking about how to keep my mom at arm's length so my mom doesn't get explosively angry at me and give me the silent treatment after yelling at me.

[Mental Fairy]

This all sounds so familiar.

I once went out on a limb and asked my mum to catch up with me at a cafe. She was recently diagnosed with the cancer. Everything I said or did wasn’t good enough, the closer I tried to get to her the worse it made her. I have up, it broke me. Then suddenly out of the blue she rang me and said the words I had always wanted to hear, sadly it was way to late and the damage was done. Then to kick me in the guts she apologised for not doing anything to help when she knew I was being abused.

Yet, I still craved her hugs and wanted to hear her again. Wanted to keep trying. It’s like a never ending emotional circle just wanting to be accepted by the people who birthed us.

I do wonder if your mum fears attachment, and also detached from her own emotions. It’s painful.

[oak]

One of the reasons I like Hallmark movies is because the mothers are kind and helpful to their children, and actually seem to not hate them.

What you describe in your first paragraph above is very reasonable. A mother should be kind, and part of kindness is listening.

That is too much to ask of either of our mothers.

And oh can I identify with “explosive anger”.

Like the poor animated people in the video below, which I happened to be watching not ten minutes ago, we stay in the danger zone of an explosion:

https://youtu.be/JzdnUZReoLM

(Source: United States Chemical and Safety Board investigation)

[rivergirl]

Hi MM,

I don't think it's selfish to want to be able to have a close connection with your Mom and be able to share your feelings with her. I'm sorry you're not able to have a better relationship with her. There's a special sadness when a family member is aging, and you know they aren't going to change into the type of person who can meet you half way to repair the relationship. It seems like you're doing the best you possibly can to still have some contact while knowing the limitations and setting boundaries.

rg