valuing myself, and forgetting about "judging" the self

[manuel_moe_g]

just had therapy session - i put "judgement" ahead of even my own self

i guess i thought that "judgement" was going to guarantee that i was a good person, and not a bad person

but now is the time to put myself first, take big risks for things that i desire, and not even care a little about what "judgement" would say

[Beany Boo]

Judgement kept you safe. Now the type of safety it provided is suffocating. Your self is responding to save yourself.

[manuel_moe_g]

So true, Beany

Thank you for reading that and validating me, it means a lot to me

[manuel_moe_g]

Embracing Self-Compassion Over Self-Judgment

I wanted to share something that's been a major roadblock in my life, something that I've been struggling with for as long as I can remember.
Growing up, my home environment was marked by harsh judgments from my mother. She would evaluate me constantly, not just in terms of whether I was good or bad, but also in regard to my worth as a person. This constant scrutiny led me to develop a habit of self-judgment as a way to protect myself. I thought that if I could prove myself as a good and exceptional person, I would finally be seen as worthy.
The ironic twist in this story is that my self-judgment became so intense that the stakes of being judged were unbelievably high. Consequently, I often found myself on the brink of a mental breakdown. The fear of failing or not meeting these incredibly high standards made it difficult to even attempt important tasks. This, in turn, led to terrible procrastination, and I ended up neglecting crucial responsibilities.
But I'm determined to change this pattern and take control of my life. I've come to realize that my younger selves and my present-day self deserve unconditional love and compassion, just like I would provide for my own daughter. With my daughter, I prioritize unconditional love over everything else, and judgment hardly enters it.
I've started to envision a mental scale with myself on one side and the need for self-judgment on the other. And you know what? My own worth and my own success are far more important and outweigh the need for self-judgment by a significant margin. Just as I prioritize my daughter's well-being over any judgment, I'm learning to do the same for myself.

[[[ I used ChatGPT and Grammarly to write this post. My own English is a little abrupt and lacking transitions and "explaining what I am about to explain, and explaining what I just explained" ]]]

[snoringdog]

Hello Manny,

Interesting insights, thanks for sharing.

I've never used ChatGPT.
Did it help you to clarify things you were trying to express?
Or maybe offer phrases that maybe weren't really what you wanted to use?

What's the verdict?

[manuel_moe_g]

Howdy SnoringDog,

well, ChatGPT writes the kind of english that my high school honors english teachers tried to get me to write

and i think that kind of english is easier for people to understand, because sometimes in my own writing, instead of going A-B-C-D-E-...-X-Y-Z, i start at the letter "M" and then skip over letters in a race to "Z"

so that is helpful

[Mental Fairy]

Gosh that’s incredibly interesting. How did it feel to push submit after writing this? I love your honesty

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mental Fairy,

I am just so desperate to move these ideas out of my strictly intellectual understanding and into actually <feeling> these ideas to be true

so i am willing to try anything

[Beany Boo]

Amazing…

You adopted your mother’s reflex to judge. The judgements were harsh. They were unpredictable. They gripped you. Now you can’t stop doing her judgements on yourself, even though you’re trying.

It sounds like she struggled to communicate with you. The only tactic that worked for her was to shock you to attention, with hurtful statements. She leaned on the one technique heavily. She didn’t consider that that would become the basis of your blueprint. You’ve been shocking yourself to attention ever since.

Only now you’re (rightly) questioning the validity and safety of that approach. You’re looking for another way.

I’m simplifying it I know. I don’t know if I have clues for you.

(Not an expert)

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Beany,

yeah, that is it in at nutshell

now, how to fix it