YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Caring too much and caring too little may look the same productivity-wise, because caring too much -> more stress -> amygdala initiating freeze response, and (1) many people care too much innately and (2) many people’s nervous-system is primed to initiate the freeze response. (1) & (2) is true about me.

My mental health, life or death, like diabetes, and should be treated seriously as such - not to work myself into anxiety, but to identify what areas and aspects of my mental health am I being blase about, and then treat it with due seriousness. The big one I am not treating seriously enough is 'celebration of accomplishment and also plain effort and process'.

The way to get out of what is effectively a "freeze" response (all my time taken over by ‘managing my mood’ with mindless device & social-media scrolling) is to do tiny steps on my most emotionally fraught work, break-down into very tiny steps, and after each tiny step have a celebration - squishie stuffed animal hugging, shiny-star-sticker book pasting as a form of recognition, and do a little dance. All for soothing my nervous system and to show my mid-brain/amygdala that I am not in peril.

If day 1 was productive, makes sense day 2 will be more challenging, and account for a bit of a ‘regression to mean’ with self-compassion and understanding, because we are playing the long game. Right now, very likely a productive day will be taxing on me, and require recovery, and I should be self-compassionate toward myself because of that.

...embarrassed by my technique for soothing my nervous system:

<heh, this, written out, makes me seem totally insane>

"Celebration of achievement — self-compassion/i-am-alright-just-the-way-i-am & acknowledgement of accomplishment/effort/process"

(1) hug big squishie stuffed animal - "https://www.walmart.com/ip/IKASA-Giant-Pig-Stuffed-Animal-Plush-Toy-Large-Jumbo-30-Pink-Huge-Cute-Soft-Toys-Big-Size-Fluffy-Plushy-Fat-Oversized-Plushie-Gifts-Kids-Girls-Boys-G/221441214"

(2) while hugging the big squishie stuffed animal - think about really feeling <self-compassion> in body

(3) while hugging the big squishie stuffed animal - think about really feeling <i am alright just the way i am> in body - think about really feeling <i don't need to change to be alright and be worthy of love, changing is just an option, a choice i can make to be strategic about my long-term goals & values, all built on the foundation of already being alright as i am now>

(4) put increasing number of star stickers in my star-sticker-book, building up to ten (10) star stickers, and shooting then for ten (10) star stickers every day, which appropriate filled in blanks of accomplishments (not forgetting about effort/process)

(5) do a little dance

<basically, i was raised with no examples of 'working with your own nervous-system' while being productive, my productivity talk was 100% shame-based>

<i could blame my parents, but my innate self really took to truing to 'shame' myself into productivity, took to it and really took off running>

<and i was already behind the 8-ball, productivity-wise, because of ADHD and depression>

manuel_moe_g wrote: ↑April 15th, 2024, 3:57 pm

mindless device & social-media scrolling

hug big squishie stuffed animal

put increasing number of star stickers in my star-sticker-book

do a little dance

Reading this, MM, I feel like looking at a diffuse mirror image of myself. I do the mindless scrolling too, and:

• compulsive masturbation
• unproductive doodling and splashing color instead of finishing drawings and paintings
• long confused walks in the woods (dogs are happy)
• obsessing about the maintenance of tools I seldom use, instead of actually using them
• drinking way too much alcohol

...and I could go on, but those are probably the highlights. Instead of being embarrassed and feeling shame, I think it would be useful to be aware, to have part of my brain register the why of these behaviors instead of trying to forget or minimise them afterwards as I have done so much. It may be the "due seriousness" you mentioned, as a sort of detachment that permits analysis instead of only feeling guilt. I don't want to keep on doing what I do. How can I change?

Howdy Troebia,

I would start with massive amounts of self-compassion, to your current-self and your younger-selves.

I have real difficulties with self-compassion myself, i am experimenting with hugging an oversized stuffed animal, as a way to feel <something> in my body, kinda working my way toward self-compassion from the backdoor

then i would figure out where your nervous-system is at, and get it regulated, by demonstrating to it that you are not in peril, by acting in ways that are far removed from fight-flight-freeze-fawn - for me, my peril-activated-nervous-system goes into freeze, so forcing myself into calm, mindful breathing is one way, and forcing myself to recognize my very minor accomplishments and even just my positive forward motion and process, with stickers in a sticker-book where i fill in the row descriptions with pretty mundane stuff, like 'took shower', 'ate fruit', 'worked a bit on something emotional'

Will be back to post about this topic as currently doing night classes on this very subject with a neurologist.

manuel_moe_g wrote: ↑April 16th, 2024, 10:42 am acting in ways that are far removed from fight-flight-freeze-fawn

Lately I've been going out into the woods with a different mindset than "exercise" or "walking the dogs" and maybe it has something to do with what you are talking about, MM. The terrain out there is not perfectly pristine and untouched by man, but it has been largely ignored for hundreds of years since it has no immediate use or value. There are remnants of stone terraces where olives, almonds and other dry fruits were harvested long ago. There is an ancient road marker not far from our house that is at the very least medieval, or maybe even from Roman times. There are strange, winding paths in the undergrowth made by wild boars that come out at night and dig small holes in the earth with their hooves, searching for something to eat. I can sit on a rock and feel that nothing around me needs my attention: everything just exists whether I'm there or not and it is a kind of bliss. None of the imperatives of my daily life are present. A long snake is basking in the sun and is disturbed by the dogs who instinctively know not to get too close.

Very evocative, Troebia! I'm glad you have this somewhat restful place.

(As for me - the water company was jack-hammering in the street this morning, and the neighbor kid just finished practicing his drums for the day )