All Over The Place
Posted: January 12th, 2012, 5:41 am
I've got my share of problems. Without getting into details, they currently involve MONEY, CAREER, RELATIONSHIP. I'm in this tenuous spot wherein I could experience a reversal of fortune with any of these sooner or later. I am trying so hard to keep it together and not add HEALTH to the range of problems I'm dealing with.
Over the course of a day, I've been experiencing massive mood swings. I could be a basketcase in the morning, obsessing over something. Yesterday, I was about to head out to the gym, couldn't find my keys and almost had a nervous breakdown trying to find them. (Voice in my head: are you really going to skip the gym today because you misplaced your fucking keys last night? if you skip the gym today, you will be a fat loser and this woman will lose interest in you.) Found my keys eventually, headed out the apartment and just stepping out onto the street seemed to clear my head. A little later, I'll start to worry and obsess over something else. I might even think about suicide; not in a calculated, planning way. More as a sort of fantasy. An escape route from the pain. "It would be so nice to just bleed out tonight and stop struggling..."
The voice in my head can be cruel and punishing but I can also manage to override it. I can talk myself down. The only way I survive is by talking myself away from the ledge. While I should probably be in therapy right now, I've been through enough therapy over the years to understand some of my basic issues and how to deal with them. I imagine one of my old therapists in my head and what she would say in response to some of my current struggles. There are a lot of tricks I use to manage my current spectrum of anxieties; some healthier than others. Feeling a little exhausted and strung out.
Over the course of a day, I've been experiencing massive mood swings. I could be a basketcase in the morning, obsessing over something. Yesterday, I was about to head out to the gym, couldn't find my keys and almost had a nervous breakdown trying to find them. (Voice in my head: are you really going to skip the gym today because you misplaced your fucking keys last night? if you skip the gym today, you will be a fat loser and this woman will lose interest in you.) Found my keys eventually, headed out the apartment and just stepping out onto the street seemed to clear my head. A little later, I'll start to worry and obsess over something else. I might even think about suicide; not in a calculated, planning way. More as a sort of fantasy. An escape route from the pain. "It would be so nice to just bleed out tonight and stop struggling..."
The voice in my head can be cruel and punishing but I can also manage to override it. I can talk myself down. The only way I survive is by talking myself away from the ledge. While I should probably be in therapy right now, I've been through enough therapy over the years to understand some of my basic issues and how to deal with them. I imagine one of my old therapists in my head and what she would say in response to some of my current struggles. There are a lot of tricks I use to manage my current spectrum of anxieties; some healthier than others. Feeling a little exhausted and strung out.