YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

My Father just left. He has been visiting for a week. I am so F**king mad!!!! Why can't my Dad be like other people's dads? My dad is a self-centered, unbearable Prick! Other people look forward to/enjoy being with their dad, not me. Go to a restaurant, nothing is ever good enough, there is ALWAYS something to complain about. My young nieces are uncontrollable, really? They are 3 and 4 you douchebag! It's too cold, it's too hot. For years I have made excuses for him, he is from the old country, that is their way; he is a retired surgeon, surgeon's think they always run the show; he is old, he doesn't hear very well or he doesn't have a filter. Well no more! My dad is a miserable, self-centered, unbearable prick!!! That is just the way it is, it is not my fault and I won't be making excuses for him anymore!

For the last 2 days I have had diarrhea and flu-like symptoms. I thought I had the flu, but now I think it is because I have been so stressed about him being here. Why do I let him effect me like this?

I actually feel a little better having unloaded all of this.

So now what do I do? The prick will be back in a month.

I'm not sure I'm the right person to be advising anyone, but I can say that I have similar problems with my parents. It's weird that I can be so angry with someone I love. It's pretty difficult for me to be around my dad, but he has enough good qualities that it would be a shame for me to cut myself off completely from him. For now, I just limit my interactions with him. I talk to my therapist about ways I can make my feelings clear to my Dad while preserving our relationship. If I make my happiness dependent on him changing, it's bad news. It doesn't work out well for me.

Oof, in such a situation I just wait for my rage to manifest and for me to commit an outrageous violation, and the person leaves. Bleh.

I guess take a little comfort that your ability to stifle an outrageous violation means that you *don't* have rage issues.

But seriously, just calmly stating, the very instant it happens, how something specific he does makes you disappointed in his lack of maturity and perspective. It is a little bit unfair to him, because part of the problem is that you are (rightly) attaching a moral judgement on his behavior, and to be absolutely fair you should hate the behavior and not the person, but at least you are being truthful, and it really is a fact you can calmly state.

Cheers, and good luck.

All due respect, i'm assuming, but hate the behavior and not the person? Attaching a moral judgement? That means the person exhibiting the behavior has to accept no responibility for it and i disagree with that completely.

My parents are the same, i've always had the same reaction to their visits. When i do, i first try remembering that often people are doing the best they can even if it doesn't seem like it. Then i remind myself that i'm not always the easiest person to be around and maybe not the daughter they were hoping for either. In the end u just have to decide whether you want a relationship with him or not. If yes, you have to accept his (serious) limitations. If, on the other hand it's a completely unhealthy relationship for you maybe you have to find a way to cut back on the exposure. It's ok to not love your parents. I dont believe i love mine. My mother died ten years ago and i have to admit i do not miss her. I tolerate my dad. I dont love or respect him but if he needed my help i'd do what i could because he's family. But i don't invite him to my house. My advice would be to think about what you want from the relationship and forget about what's you "should" do or feel because you are family. If it makes you feel better, there are probably more people out there that feel the same way you do than you think. Best of luck.

I noticed a couple of things you said that may be causing you some extra frustration on top of your father's behavior.

Other people look forward to/enjoy being with their dad, not me.

This is something I do too. I assume everyone else has this perfectly "normal" life and I have to hide my experiences because no one will understand. I think the MIHH podcasts and the comments already made should be proof that hardly anyone leads a "normal" life (I have a sneaking suspicion shows like "Leave it to Beaver" give us this false impression). In fact, I haven't spoken to my father with more than civil "Hi, how are you?" in more than four years. He is extremely emotionally manipulative with everyone around him, including me, my brother, his sister, and even his own mother. He spins emotional stories in order to get money out of people to fuel his gambling addiction. After I realized that his taking advantage of me had NOTHING to do with ME, I decided he is a toxic person and I cannot put myself anywhere near him. So no, I do NOT look forward to being with my dad, and avoid him like the plague.

For years I have made excuses for him...

To whom exactly did you make these excuses? I've made excuses for my dad (and other family members) to boyfriends, friends, teachers (my dad literally stole money from a school principal once...that was awkward). But mostly I made excuses to myself. I didn't want to accept who my father really was. He had a horrible childhood, he was severely abused and mistreated. And I feel sorry for him and wish he hadn't gone through it. But that does not mean that I must carry that burden and pain. I have to accept that my father cannot demonstrate his love to me (not that he doesn't actually love me, but that he doesn't know how to DO love) in a way that is healthy and supportive. I do not blame him, but I refuse to ask him for something he cannot provide. It's unfair to me...and to him too.

I don't know if my experience will help at all, but it seemed like a good one to share. Like terryb said, you need to make a decision about your relationship with him and stick to it.