YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I would like right now to feel that strange but unmistakeable "chest pain" that's exclusive to women, a burning and tightness across my upper back and between my shoulder blades. The catch of surprise and then recognition, a slight struggle to breath. Then I would stand up suddenly and feel the weight on my chest letting me know that yes it's really happening. I am having a heart attack. This time I would not call for an ambulance. I would give my dog a kiss and calmly lock myself in the bathroom. Lay down on the cool floor, endure the crushing pain. Revel in the knowledge that it's all finally over soon. Just a few more minutes. Not one more neverending day to get through. When my husband finds me in a few hours he won't know that it ever could have gone differently. He won't ever know that i couldn't love him enough to stay.

I have to admit, I don't think it is such a bad thing to feel relief over certain ways of dying.

For me the end to the confusion and the constant feeling that I am thinking wrong and doing wrong will be such a relief.

But death means leaving things undone. Would like to put more things out of the "undone" column and move them into the "done" column, before I die.

Please take care, all the best, we are all cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow, and for you to pick a few more things to move into your fantastic "Done" column for your fantastic life!

My "fantastic done column"? My "fantastic life?" uh, what? Are we ALL WINNERS!? All EXTRAORDINARY!? All deserving something better? I truly believe this kind of psuedo-psych poppycock that is so popular these days often does more harm than good. It creates unrealistic expectations and further sense of hopelessness. Every life is NOT FANTASTIC, everyone does not have unlimited potential. You only have to read the paper or open your eyes and take a good look around. What's wrong with facing your limitations? Isn't it kinder to help someone in distress do that than to urge them on to some fantasy over the rainbow? All this hyper-positive cheerleading often diminishes what that person is trying to say.

Err, I would feel defensive, if this reaction was in fact made to what I actually wrote. Quoting myself:

"I have to admit, I don't think it is such a bad thing to feel relief over certain ways of dying."

"For me the end to the confusion and the constant feeling that I am thinking wrong and doing wrong will be such a relief."

I am the last person who will lie to anyone about depression. I don't enjoy life, on the whole, I avoid suicide because for some reason I am driven to try to accomplish some things. At some later date, I may enjoy life, there are some seemingly worthwhile techniques that I haven't fully explored yet. We will see, I have been wrong before, I am constantly surprised by life.

There are plenty of people for who painless death is the merciful way out. For whatever reason, I am not one of those people, but I would never use it to bully someone out of their own feelings.

You got me wrong, I never lie about the world being better than it is, because I cannot - what is wrong with the world is too plainly seen.

terryb wrote:Isn't it kinder to help someone in distress do that than to urge them on to some fantasy over the rainbow?

Yes. Yes it is. I thought that is what I was doing. I do many things in a shitty way because of my own ignorance and incompetence, so it is not surprising to me that this was another of my shitty attempts. Sorry, you don't deserve my shitty help, I hope some better help comes alone, because I am one of those idiots who believes that all people who are suffering deserve help, even if I am not capable of supplying it.

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines