My depression's effect on romantic relationships

[ocadhla]

I am 22 year-old guy. I experienced my first (so far only) depression when I was 19-21 (still struggle with some things now, but doing much better). One of the things that's really bothering me today is the way my depression affects the way I deal with relationships and love interests. My first depression was mostly situational and caused by a relationship that I was in at the time. Now it seems like I mimic my past behavior from that relationship with other girls. Whenever a girl shows any interest in me, I get attached very quickly and invest a lot of my self-esteem and well-being into them. This leads to me obsessing over whether I'm being too aggressive in pursuing them and makes it really difficult to see the relationship as it is and to be in the moment. I really want to find a girl that I can connect with and develop a meaningful relationship with but I feel like I'm sabotaging myself while being fully aware of it but unable to do anything else.

I've noticed in the past in all aspects of my life that if I just relax and "go with the flow" as it were, and not try to force things to happen, things tend to turn out happily in the end. Its just hard to keep that in mind on days like today...

[manuel_moe_g]

I have so little experience in romance and relationships, my advice is the advice of an idiot. But...

I would consider working on the depression first, managing that and getting a little personal history of effectively moving forward and managing the highs and lows - and then you will attract a healthy helpful relationship.

Whatever you decide, we are all cheering for you and your greatest today and tomorrow! All the best!

[TeeZee]

Hi. It sounds like anxiety is causing the problem, with obsessive thoughts. I know all about it. I have been like this most of my life. Analyzing each moment when I'm with a girl to be sure it's going the right way. Of course this leads to failure. As Manuel_moe suggests, take care of the problematic thinking. Get some therapy to understand why your mind takes you in that direction. Women don't like when guys get clingy so fast, especially in your age group. A lot of times they will ignore the clingy guys call to meet the aloof guy! It's messed up, but it happens a lot. It doesn't mean you should fake being aloof. Be true to your feelings, but go slow. Control your urges to call or text too much- this will kill the attraction. It may seem hard, but it can be done. Have things to do in your life other than worrying about women- exercise, hobbies, creative things, etc. I am much better with women than I used to be, mainly because I worry less.

Good luck and let us know what happens

[MissingHiker]

Yes, please do let us know how you're comin' along. I know I used to primarily seek validation from women, and a lack of validation I would interpret as invalidation, when in reality, it was neither validating or invalidating, it was just neutral. They had something else going on.

So, I would then feel invalidated when I really hadn't been, and I would get clingy to try and get validation to counteract the invalidation I thought I'd gotten. Everything was binary, yes or no, on or off... I, too, analyzed every moment.

But, we're not getting rated constantly like that by them. They have thoughts of other things, in addition to us, swirling around in their brains.

[ocadhla]

Thanks for your replies, and sorry its taken me so long to respond, I've been busy (thank God).

MissingHiker: I can really relate to what you said in terms of validation.

My original post was in reference to this girl that I met recently and had hit it off really well with. I couldn't believe how interested in me she was as I feel like she was definitely out of my league and she even approached me! Anyways, we spent some time together and things were going well, I was definitely way too invested in I guess what you'd call our budding relationship. One of the things I find so attractive about her is her intellect. Unfortunately, because she's going to school for pre-med, she is really pressed for time and broke things off to focus on her studies and work. I was in a funk for a few days over it but luckily the relationship hadn't lasted too long or progressed too far so I was able to pull out of it pretty easily.

I think one of the reasons I get this obsessive, hung-up feeling over girls who are interested in me is I really don't like being alone with myself. I also see them as a means to a more enjoyable and more meaningful life. When I was severely depressed, I would sit by myself all day and all the recurring negative thoughts would just bounce around in my head with nothing to oppose them. I've gotten a lot better at getting out of the house, exercising, and socializing in the past year but those old, depressive thought patterns still have some roots in my head.

[manuel_moe_g]

I think one of the reasons I get this obsessive, hung-up feeling over girls who are interested in me is I really don't like being alone with myself. I also see them as a means to a more enjoyable and more meaningful life. When I was severely depressed, I would sit by myself all day and all the recurring negative thoughts would just bounce around in my head with nothing to oppose them. I've gotten a lot better at getting out of the house, exercising, and socializing in the past year but those old, depressive thought patterns still have some roots in my head.

Yeah, that is the part of being human that is so frustrating, that our intense desire for a relationship, in of itself, can make actually getting the relationship we want impossible.

But you are already taking the exact perfect positive steps, and repeated work will make those "depressive thought patterns" weaker and weaker.

All the best, take care, we here are all cheering for you and your greatest today and tomorrow!

[ocadhla]

Thanks manuel_moe_g, I really do appreciate it.

[MissingHiker]

Hey Ocadhla,

Do you ever get this? When a girl approaches you, and she's attractive, do you ever get this anxiety that's, like, "Oh, shit. This is now mine to lose. I better not fuck up."

I do, and I get anxious over trying to make sure I don't do the wrong thing. And I transmit that anxiety and then it ends.

This is where people who are at peace talk about living for the moment of now. And not worrying about the future, just being.

[ocadhla]

Sorry its taken me so long MissingHiker.

No, strangely enough, I don't get that feeling. Although that may have quite a bit to do with the fact that most times when I meet girls, I'm at a bar and have consumed a substantial amount of alcohol, which is sovereign in curing my anxiety and awkwardness towards women. I'm (apparently) good looking enough, and charming enough to attract girls and do astonishingly well (to myself) in "landing" them, its just the long-term emotions that I struggle with (being that I usually desire something more and she doesn't).