YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

first off, i just realized i post in this thread a shit ton, and i'm sorry if i'm getting really obnoxious. i stopped going to therapy a few weeks ago through a mutual decision between my therapist and I and i was ready to take a break for a while, but i need to go back. however, she is out of the office and i will not be able to get an appt for several more weeks.. so i'm talking things out here.. sorry you're all along for the ride.. :/

tomorrow i have a third interview for a new job. this interview process has been like two months long (no joke) and it's down to two of us. it's not even a job that i am super stoked about, it is just a much less stressful job that will happen to pay more than what i make now. I am desperate to get this job. after investing so much time and mental energy in this interview process, i seem to have made getting this job the only option in my head.

now that i have the third and final interview tomorrow, and will hear very shortly afterward the decision, i am in full freak out mode. the job i have no is literally crushing my soul, and i seriously think about quitting everyday. however, i cannot since i am contributing a significant amount of income to our marriage, and we're in the process of buying a house, and the banks don't like to lend you money when you're unemployed..

i am terrified of what my mental state will be if/when i don't get this job. i have heard over and over from the people i've been interviewing with that i am a very strong candidate and that they're "excited about me" but they could be equally (if not more) as excited about the other candidate.

i've already mentally checked out of my current job. if i don't get this new one and have to go back to square one, i'm scared i'm going to have a full on mental breakdown. i've been researching where i would be able to check myself in in the event that i don't get this job.

this is an ENTRY LEVEL job that i am definitely qualified, if not over qualified for. if i can't get this job, what the fuck is wrong with me. i am a hopeless case if i can't even get this position.

BLERG. i just don't know what to do to try to prepare myself for this news. i talked to my husband and he was trying to encourage me to see the other things in our life that are good and exciting (the new house, etc.) but my happiness is so wrapped up in my job situation right now, i can't separate it.

i don't know what else to do or say. i'm just terrified to hear the news. i can't believe i'm already planning my mental breakdown before i even know if it's bad news yet.

sorry if none of this makes sense..

Jennifer

First off. Do not apologize.

A job is not what you think it is. It is just someone's idea of things that need to be done, and their willingness to pay for it. You can offer to do them, or not. They can offer you the job, or not. Ultimately, you are more important to you, than them.

If their entire business went bankrupt tomorrow, how would that affect you? Their judgement is just someone's momentary idea of what makes sense and it is wrong as often as it is right. In the long run it is always wrong.

A thing about over-qualificaiton - how do you know the other person doesn't need the job more?

The world doesn't end if you don't buy a house now. It's good to have goals but a house is just a pile of lumber and paint, neatly organised. Your "inner world" is a .. ehm .. (ok here we go ..) your "inner world" is where you have to live your entire life awake or asleep. (Apologies. You find a non-cheesy way to say it ...) It matters more anyway.

sorry if none of this makes sense..

Trying to head off my own incipient breakdown this morning, so not sure how much I've got to suggest or how helpful it is.

But yeah, it makes perfect sense. You're not unique.

The ideal thing to do, and the most difficult of course, is to try and maintain some perspective on the interview process. There is a lot of randomness involved, you can't really control it. So the best you can do is to try and keep a level head and stay calm so you can respond as things evolve. (There are some CBT-based exercises you can try that focus on these specific cognitive distortions, but naturally I can't think of any of them. Sorry.)

One practical thing you might try is to keep looking for other opportunities. The effort and activity can help keep you from obsessing about this specific opportunity. Having a couple of things going can also make it easier if it doesn't go your way.

Sorry, wish I had more for you this morning. But I'm off to try and face down my own work demons.

Good luck.

Sorry, I just realized how pathetic that post sounded. Of course the other candidate could need the job more than I do, but I dont think that takes away my right to apply for it and really.hope that I get it to better my own situation.

I know that I need to keep the perspective that there are other options out there, but it w as hard enough to get an interview, if I dont get the job, i'll feel ev en more like an epic failure.

I know my post and how i'm feeling is a vast.over reaction to the situation, but I know many peope deal with this all or nothing mentality.

It feels like my entire worth is wrapped up in whether I get this job or not, and I dont, then I am a hopeless case and am just not cut out for life.

Blerg.

It feels like my entire worth is wrapped up in whether I get this job or not, and I dont, then I am a hopeless case and am just not cut out for life.

Wow. That was me 2 months ago. Exactly. (Thankfully I got the job.) I had quit graduate school and was looking for a job, so I had the extra pressure of feeling like I failed everyone by quitting, and also was dirt poor and in debt, greatly needing the job. I applied to over 100 jobs (literally) and this job was the only place that even called me back. I thought that if I didn't get it after the interview that I would have proven that I was a complete failure and that pretty much every life decision I'd made to get me to that point was wrong, and that it was all my fault.

I won't tell you that there's something else out there if that job doesn't work out, because I know on some level you know that. But it is tough out there for everyone...and it's really not a reflection on you. The "overqualified" thing does happen a lot, unfortunately. I know it happened to me. There was one job where the qualifications were to be able to read, write, and do statistics. I taught stats for 4 years, and my master's thesis won a writing award. I didn't even get an interview. I had another place tell me "While your skills are certainly impressive..." which I thought was the best way to phrase "overqualified."

Anyway, not trying to make this about me. You do not sound pathetic in the least. (Or maybe you and I are both pathetic, that's another possibility ) You sound like someone in a tough spot and having a tough time dealing with it. Believe me, I relate and know exactly where you're coming from. I was there. It worked out for me and hopefully will for you as well. Best of luck to you.

I thought that if I didn't get it after the interview that I would have proven that I was a complete failure and that pretty much every life decision I'd made to get me to that point was wrong, and that it was all my fault.

This is exactly how I feel. And it's magnified this time, because a few months ago, I had an interview for a job i REALLY wanted, and was definitely qualified for, and didn't get the job. even worse, they had no constructive feedback for me. they told me that my interview was fantastic, they just found somebody else. that hurt so much more because i couldn't point to something specifically that i did wrong.. it felt like i failed as a human being, that i just wasn't enough.

now that i finally have another opportunity, if i don't get it, i just feel like it's going to crush me.

Jen;

Synchronicity pops up at some strange times in my so-called "life", which is the only reason that my shaky finger can even begin to point to for this unsolicited "butt-in" on my part, and some of the details of this story were just too ironic to ignore.

I believe I understand much of the feelings that were predominant just prior to crossing the double-yellow. Highway "accidents", even under some very questionable circumstances, often tend to remove that needlessly counter-productive social stigma that seems to surround the friends and family of a victim of vehicular suicide.

Where our stories differ somewhat is that I was aiming for a concrete embankment, as opposed to involving another unsuspecting human in my attempt to deal with the seemingly bottomless pile of feces that symbolizes my currently worthless existence.

With that said, please know that the gist of this thread resonated within my muddled head like the bells of Notre Dame. Phrases like "less than" and "not enough" have some emotionally explosive content during this most recent "reduction of circumstances". I suppose that a hearty "thank you", filed under "misery loves company", is in order for the confirmation that I'm not completely a "Lone Ranger" with this largely self-inflicted insanity.

jenloiacono wrote:it felt like i failed as a human being, that i just wasn't enough.

I had a similar experience over 15 years ago. It's a long, involved story, so I'll spare you -- but the bottom line is I felt much the same way you do -- or think you will, if the job doesn't come through. I didn't get the job, and was devastated. I fell into a severe depression which, in some ways, I've never quite recovered from. I felt just like this -- and spent much of the next 15 years telling myself that story, every chance I had, at every critical juncture in my career. And sometimes, even just when I wasn't feeling sufficiently bad enough about myself, my internal critic would remind me of how I'd screwed up a huge opportunity I had early in my career. In hindsight, it -- really, my reaction to the loss -- had a devastating effect on my career, my sense of worth, and other areas of my life.

But after all of that, I realized something a year or two ago.

The hiring manager and the person who ultimately landed the job were best friends. Had been for years. I could have been the most qualified person on the planet, done everything flawlessly, and none of it would have made any difference. There was no way the guy was going to give me the job and stiff his friend.

This was not new knowledge. I was fully aware of their relationship at the time. But my mind was so focused on me -- and my failure -- that I completely blanked that fact out of the equation.

So, what's the point?

I think there are two.

First, and I know this is really, really hard, try to resist the urge to make this an all or nothing event. That sort of thinking can work against you regardless of whether you get the job or don't -- in different ways. But it's really important to work against buying into that storyline -- it's just too hard on your sense of worth, optimism, and hope. And if you're prone to it, you can hang onto the damage for a very long time. Please promise you'll fight it.

Second, and it may seem counterintuitive or distressing in its own way, but there is a lot in job hunting that is really beyond your control. The thing you have to accept is that you can perform flawlessly, be superior in any objective measurement to another candidate, and still not get the job. You're dealing with other people -- with their own quirks and limitations. It's just the way it goes, and you can't tie your sense of yourself to what other people do or think.

I'm not sure this helps, and it may just be things you've already thought of...and I don't mean to come across as overly pessimistic. But I hate to see anybody wrap themselves up in making the same sorts of mistakes I did.

Good luck, keep us posted on the search.

First, and I know this is really, really hard, try to resist the urge to make this an all or nothing event. That sort of thinking can work against you regardless of whether you get the job or don't -- in different ways. But it's really important to work against buying into that storyline -- it's just too hard on your sense of worth, optimism, and hope. And if you're prone to it, you can hang onto the damage for a very long time. Please promise you'll fight it.

I promise, I'm trying.

They should have a decision today or tomorrow, so here's hoping

UPDATE!

Hey all, just wanted to thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and understanding through all of this. thankfully, no mental breakdown is in order, because i just verbally accepted the position!!



Now if only i could have a glass of wine to celebrate.. oh wait. lol #soberproblems