YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm in the middle of a crisis, and I'm out of ideas for what to do.

To start, I am a 32 year old woman with a history of anxiety and depression. I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac, but usually I can manage it. About two months ago, I noticed that the glands on the right side of my neck were swollen. I had been having allergies/sore throat/etc., so I figured it was related to that and not a big deal. Went to my doctor, who agreed with me and said if it didn't get better within 2-3 weeks I should see an ENT for further evaluation. 2 weeks went by with no change, so I made the ENT appointment. By this point, I had done some research and knew that swollen glands could be a sign of lymphoma. I raised this with the ENT, who said she did not think it was lymphoma as my glands were swollen but still fairly small and I didn't have any other symptoms. She prescribed 10 days of antibiotics and asked me to come back in 3 weeks. She also said that people often present with swollen glands for no particular reason and, even after a full work-up the doctors don't know why.

While I was on the antibiotics, I felt fairly ok. I still had periods of anxiety, but I was able to push those feelings aside by reminding myself of what the doctor said. Unfortunately, my 3-week follow up appointment is tomorrow and my glands are still swollen. Yesterday, I also discovered what I believe to be a swollen lymph node just under my collar bone on the same side. For the past week, I have been feeling like I have other symptoms of lymphoma, although my husband thinks these symptoms are anxiety related. I'm terrified that I might have lymphoma and that I'll either die after a long illness or live and be unable to have children due to the treatment (we have been trying to conceive for almost a year without success). Every morning I wake up with this feeling of impending doom and that my life is basically over. I want a definitive answer from the doctor, but I'm almost scared to go tomorrow for fear that she will say it could be lymphoma and we need to do some testing. I know she won't tell me it's definitely not lymphoma, so I guess the best I can hope for is to convince her to biopsy the lymph nodes (which also scares me). I have an appointment with my therapist a few hours after my ENT appointment, so at least I will have someone to talk to about the situation (besides my husband and my mother who are both tired of dealing with me at this point).

I guess I just don't know how to get through the next 25 hours without going crazy. Does anyone else have a history of hypochondria and how do you deal with it? I'm one of those "I want answers now!" kind of people, so having to wait and schedule appointments really drives me nuts.

Yes, this was the first thing I ever sought therapy for, and that therapist was tremendously helpful on that one issue.

She gave me a chart where I'd track every crazy thing I thought I had. I believe the spots were: What you believe (e.g. I have appendicitis), How strongly you believe it (e.g. 80% sure) and mark down the time. When I eventually calmed down, I'd put the time again and then what I currently believed (e.g. gas or something) and how strongly I believed it (e.g. 100%). This helped me really see exactly how often I had these beliefs an how often something actually happened to me (which is rarely).

Another thing that she taught me to do was to consider if I'd had that kind of pain before (mine were always brought on by some weird physical symptom) and usually the answer was "Oh yeah, last week I had this same kind of pain in my side..." And if I didn't have appendicitis then, I probably don't have it now, because it would feel different. Easier to say than believe, I know, but for some reason this really works for me.

When I actually have had something wrong with me, it's never been as bad as what I thought it was. Went for a lady exam, and by the look on the doctor's face, I immediately knew something wasn't right. She made me go get a test the next day,and even though the test results were read before I left the building, I had to wait until my next doctor's appointment before I found out what was wrong. The idiot on the phone said "tumor" and nothing else, so there I go thinking that I'm going to die, and when I get to the doctor, it's a fibroid tumor, so no big deal other than occasionally painful. *whew!* There are a of things in between a sore throat and lymphoma, so if you have anything at all, it's likely not that bad. It doesn't have to be the worst case scenario. And you're going to the doctor. It's going to get checked out, so you're in good hands. Either way, you'll have more information tomorrow, and there isn't anything to be done about it now.

Good luck staying calm. I know how you feel, I really do.

Thanks for your reply, Murphy. It ended up being nothing, of course. Well, I probably had a mild virus at some point in the past few months that did cause lymph swelling, but by the follow-up with the ENT the swelling had gone down. The doctor knew I was freaked out, though, and ordered an ultrasound and blood work just to ease my mind. Both came back clear.

I'm working on this with my therapist, but of course it's a slow process (like any other mental health issue). I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac, but it's really gotten worse the past few months. I think it's due to a combination of overall stress and losing both my mother-in-law and uncle to cancer in December and February. Suddenly every little thing pings my "health radar" and keeps me up at night.

Hello budgie, glad you came back with a clean bill of health! Love you, man, and cheering for you and your greatest today and tomorrow!

I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac, but it's really gotten worse the past few months. I think it's due to a combination of overall stress and losing both my mother-in-law and uncle to cancer in December and February. Suddenly every little thing pings my "health radar" and keeps me up at night.

I'm sorry for your losses.
From experience, I can tell you that the mind/body connection is very strong when you're grieving. I was a physical hot mess after my brother's death, especially that first holiday season without him. Take care of yourself in all ways, please, and be kind to yourself.