From under my bed covers...

[heart]

Some stuff happened over the weekend and I've just been depressed since. I didn't get out of bed today. Couldn't go to school today. I wrote some of my thoughts down. Thought I'd share. For the record I will not kill myself. I know my baby sister will be the first to find my body and I could never do that to her. She is the most beautiful and sweet little girl. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

I've leaned since I was 5 that being sad could hurt the ones I loved. I have felt a gnawing sadness ever since I was little. It hurt my father and drove him over the edge. He tried to quench the sadness that had captured and stole his little girl from him by beating and belting her. As if he could condition her to be happy. But I couldn’t help it. I’m sad and it screams at me to let it breathe. I smother it under layers of masks, the edges burrow into my face and cut off my supply of oxygen. So once in awhile I have to unravel. I take it off and I cry until my eyes are swollen and red. But I know that this hurts the people around so I try not to. Everyday I try not to. But some days like today I can’t help it.
So I express it through violence. The only way I learned how. But I do not direct it at other people. I know how much abuse hurts. So I do it to myself. I cut and bruise myself with razors, knives, window cranks and compasses. Cold metal and hot anguish melting together to mark my grief, anger and sorrow. And today I want to kill myself because I can’t control this sadness. Because I’ve hurt the people I love, because I miss the little girl who could be happy, and I let her down.

[in_media_res]

I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering.

It sounds like you don't have anyone in your life with whom you can share these things -- I hope you can find someone, sharing these thoughts with someone can bring some relief. Is there anyone you can talk with? Resources at school or work? Maybe try calling suicide prevention?

There are people who can understand your pain, and who can help you find the strength that's in your heart. Good luck.

[BecomingKind]

I feel for you.

Don't hurt yourself.

Crying is probably healthy. Better out than in.

[jenloiacono]

I'm so sorry for what you're feeling right know, i know i don't know what you're going through, but i know life can be really overwhelming sometimes.

Please don't cut/bruise yourself. I know how tempting it is and what it's like when you feel that's your only option, but please try instead to find someone you can talk to.

Is therapy an option? A support group? You deserve to let those feeling out and have others hold them with you instead of keeping them in and taking them out on yourself.

sending you lots of love,

Jennifer

[Rosie]

Oh heart please try not to hurt yourself, be kind to yourself. Can you go to your doctor and ask about meds because then you won't feel so down. They bring you up to a level where you can maybe experience happiness and find peace but you won't feel so much sadness. I ran out of them the other day and went to pieces god I don't want to be without them. It's not a weakness or giving in your serotonin levels are low and they need help. You are such a beautiful person, being sad all the time isn't you not the real you, although it's healthy to cry, but you're going into yourself and I don't want you to, I want you to blossom instead When you emerge from this you will be able to fulfill your potential which I think is huge.

Huge, gigantic, hugs from across the pond, when you think of hurting yourself can you imagine I'm standing in front of you taking away whatever you use to hurt yourself so it drops to the floor and you don't hurt yourself - YOU ARE PRECIOUS xxx

[heart]

Thanks for all the kind words!. Its just one of those months.

I guess I do have a problem sharing things with people because the root of my personality is so easy going and sort of gentle that these harsh feelings seem to contradict who I am and I'm afraid people won't see me the same anymore once I express it.

I've been on meds for 2 months and the worked great until last Saturday. Where some stuff happened and I guess holding what happened in is hurting me too much. I don't know if I should change my dose of my meds because or if I'm sad because I'm keeping it in. Well I'll say it here because I'm desperate to get back to the progress I was making. I got sexually assaulted on Saturday night. But I'm going back to my doctor and he can recommend whatever he wants and I will do it.

I don't think taking medication is a weakness. It is a strength to admit your weakness and to deal with them requires a lot of courage. Thanks for being cool about my sudden backslide. I've just been too used to thinking the depression is over and I can put my past behind me. But there is nothing wrong with my past, in fact, I know that it has helped me become a better person. And so its worth it because the sadness is temporary but the patience, wisdom, compassion and strength from it lasts forever.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, heart.

[in_media_res]

I got sexually assaulted Saturday night.

Wait, what??

Heart, it's not the meds -- you've been traumatized. You need to find someone who you can talk with about this, as soon as possible. Have you called your doctor and told them what happened? We're you physically injured as well?

Please don't wait. Call your doctor now, or go to the emergency room.

[jenloiacono]

Oh my gosh heart. Please go to your doctor and tell them what happened. in_media_res is right, there is a reason you are feeling this way. it is not your meds or just "one of those months" you experienced real trauma.

please take care of yourself and talk to someone. we are all here for you, but you have to the steps to take care of yourself.

sending so much love your way darling.

Jennifer

[in_media_res]

Dear Heart:

I re-read my earlier post, and I hope I didn't come on too strong. But I am very concerned for you. You're so young, and you are taking on so much responsibility for things you can't control. And you reveal that something very distressing has just happened to you in such an offhand way.

You're going to be ok. You're going to be able to continue to enjoy the recovery your began to feel before this happened. But this is a lot to be able to handle, and you will probably need help to navigate through what you're feeling and experiencing.

It's essential you get that help as soon as you can.

You need to get connected with someone who is trained to help you work through the emotions. You should be examined to make sure you're not physically injured. Please contact the doctor who prescribed your anti-depressants. Call his/her office and tell them what's happened. If the office is closed, have him/her paged and tell the service it's an emergency.

If you can't or don't want to do that, go to the hospital emergency room. Tell them what has happened, that you're depressed, and you're thinking about hurting yourself. They'll help you get what you need to get back on track.

Is there someone nearby you can confide in and who can take you?

Don't change your anti-depressant dose. It's not going to help with this -- they don't act quickly. If you can see a doctor, they'll make any adjustments needed or prescribe something else that's appropriate.

Please ask for the help you deserve. If there is no one near you can ask, pick up the phone and call 911. We'll be waiting to hear from you.

Good luck.