Can't think of a reason

[Son & Air]

So, um yeah. I can't think of a reason not to kill myself. Or rather, I can't think of anyone whom I would be causing major pain if I did. I know some would feel minor pain, but I think they would get over it faster than they might imagine. And at least I'd be out of pain.

It occurs to me, and not for the first time, that life is for me too much of a one-sided conversation. It feels to me like I do all the talking and the reaching out and the world just, silently, yanks its hands back and I fall.

I take something back I said above, sorta. I can think of a reason not to kill myself. But if the only reason you can think of not to do that is the slim possibility that you'll feel better tomorrow, that's probably a bad sign in and of itself.

[fifthsonata]

I'm not a professional, I want to say this first and foremost, but right now, if suicide is seeming to be the best option, I would really, really encourage you to call the number at the top of the site. Please call. They can give you the best advice.


If you're not comfortable calling, go to this site:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/


Have a read.

I'm not going to tell you to think about other people or how horrible the decision is. We all know, deep down, the consequences of the action.

I want to draw your attention to your last sentence:

"But if the only reason you can think of not to do that is the slim possibility that you'll feel better tomorrow, that's probably a bad sign in and of itself."


You recognize that these thoughts are a bad sign.


Are you getting help now? If yes, are you going to tell your professional that you're feeling this way?

If not, please, please do. If you want help finding a counselor or some kind of help locally, I would be very happy to help you and I think the other members here would, too. Please trust me when I say this, I understand how this feels. God, I really, really do. I know the words of an internet stranger aren't going to be much solace when you're feeling this way, so that's why I think it's so important for you to seek professional help. If you are getting help, tell them these feelings, or if they're not helping you, see a new therapist.


I want you to talk to a professional first, but I am also offering to listen. Would you like to talk? You can send me a message here. I'm here; talk to me.

[Son & Air]

Just thought I should post a follow-up. Yes, I am getting professional help and have already told my counselor that I was feeling that way. As luck would have it tomorrow morning is when I see her, so we'll have something to talk about. Thanks for the reply and the empathy

[fifthsonata]

how'd it go?

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello, I am just a spam buster here, but have a few comments and resources

The statement on the top of every page of the board "Postings on this site are NOT by mental health professionals, rather the opinions & experiences of a community of regular people. If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself or others PLEASE call Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255" is not just a "cover your ass" statement, it was crafted by very caring people who realize their limitations and their lack of professional qualifications

we will always be here to help and comment, and the number of caring people who write so warmly and carefully and helpfully is amazing, considering that it is all fans of a podcast self-organizing

low cost mental health care is a topic that arises again and again, of course

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines

Please take care, Son & Air. Thanks for being there, fifthsonata. I wish I could truthfully say that I, myself, don't think about suicide. Intellectually, suicide is a very bad idea and a very poor choice, but there is a huge difference between the intellectual reasons and the day to day feelings of depression and anxiety. All I know to do is why you care, Son & Air, and remind you that there are many people here cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow.

It occurs to me, and not for the first time, that life is for me too much of a one-sided conversation. It feels to me like I do all the talking and the reaching out and the world just, silently, yanks its hands back and I fall.

This is the depression working. If you reach out you will be rewarded. The cruel trick of depression is that when you reach out the fear increases and it hurts a lot more before it begins to get better. I would be lying if I said differently. It requires a burst of energy at the very moment you feel completely drained. That is why depression's illusion is so hideously cruel.

...if the only reason you can think of not to do that is the slim possibility that you'll feel better tomorrow, that's probably a bad sign in and of itself.

The slim possibility of a better tomorrow is the worst reason to live and also the best reason to live. Some people kill themselves, and some people press on, and who can say who is right? The ones who press on get to re-write their history, that is one benefit. I mourn the life that I missed out on, but I do have a personal experience with what resilience really means, because I continue to live. Please take care as you walk across the tightrope.