In the clarity of a professional diagnosis

[manuel_moe_g]

I see that I was born with depression, anxiety, and Aspergers.

I felt such pain from rejection from classmates, because of my pained responses to social situations. I built a defense with grandiosity, isolation, preemptive rejection, selfishness, cruelty, cynicism.

A great deal of pain.

I now know what is going on, and I can properly love myself. I am scared because it is so effortful, I get fatigued, I wish I could sleep for two days after every one day of acting "normal".

On the whole, I am optimistic, because I cannot deny that there has be steady sustained (slow) progress ever since my breakdown at the age of 25. I am 41 now. I have more in my life than I could have reasonably expected during my years of great pain.

Bleh, I am not overjoyed to see this all written out plainly.

[fifthsonata]

Despite plain words, they carry a lot of weight. They're not so plain after all.

[heart]

I now know what is going on, and I can properly love myself. I am scared because it is so effortful, I get fatigued, I wish I could sleep for two days after every one day of acting "normal"

haha god I know that feeling. Sometimes after going out with friends I am entirely exhausted by just sitting down and eating because the effort of acting normal not being self destructive is a lot!

It fills my hear with joy to hear of your progress. Especially when you've kept at it for so long. Sometimes I feel like I should just let go and fall into the destructive paths my mind tempts me with like drugs or alcohol. But hearing words like yours helps me remember that the work you put into yourself will pay off someday.

Thanks, I'm proud of you!

[meh]

"I built a defense with grandiosity, isolation, preemptive rejection, selfishness, cruelty, cynicism."

That strikes a chord. My wife pointed out to me that I like drawing attention to myself and I thought that it was a way of masking the pain and feelings of rejected.

Preemptive rejection has been the story of my life. I've torpedoed more relationships than I care to remember. Some of them I ended in a way that ensured the spurned one would never ever consider being close to me ever again.

[manuel_moe_g]

You guys are super cool! Hugs to fifthsonata , heart , meh !

[dreamrose]

Thank you for writing that. I was feeling really bad today and alone. Reading that gave me the strength not to pick up that bottle today and drink my thoughts away. I have been struggling with alcoholism and at the beginning of actually sober. Finding new ways to cope and self sooth are hard. Its awesome that there is a place I can go online and see others struggles and strength it gives me so much hope. Thank you!