Gratitude
Posted: August 4th, 2012, 1:00 pm
I can't remember having had a day like this. Out of nowhere I've found myself crying today multiple times, but out of happiness, and gratitude. Almost feels like a new kind of mental illness 
There are such good people in this world, and in my life.
For example, when I thought my daughter from an ex had died (complicated story), I fell apart. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't eat. I didn't want to live anymore, but just wither away. Everything just hurt. I pushed everyone away. But there was this guy, he wouldn't go away. He'd come every day, just let himself in, cook something, make annoyingly stupid jokes, tell me stories from work, or his wife. He didn't tell me to eat, or talk, or what I was supposed to feel, or that he understands, or that it would get better, that I had to pull myself together. The closest he ever came to that was sending me an incredible annoying picture trying to make me laugh.
I could have shot him into the sun. He has this way of making me want to strangle him sometimes. The man doesn't know nuance and he'd probably rather take a bullet than ever talk about feelings, never mind his own, but he came almost every day for almost two months, just being his uncomplicated joyful self, unphased by my pitch black depression. He came until I was back on my feet again. I had never known what to make of him. I had known him for a year and he had been fun to be around, but I had never had a read on him, never believed he really considered me as a friend, and never would have expected that. In the end, to my great surprise, what you saw was exactly what you got. I don't have words to convey how thankful I am to have met this guy and let him into my life.
If I told him this he'd tell me I have a "giant vagina", and again a part of me would want to strangle him, still, but it's incredible to know that there are people in your life you can count on when the times are not good. It's so good to know that not everyone is just out to take what they can, and that relationships, and friendships, they can be more than a zero sum game. It was through him that I learned this, and today I'm looking back, on him, that time, other people who have helped me along the way, and it fills my heart with too much gratitude and love to not spill over.
There are such good people in this world, and in my life. For example, when I thought my daughter from an ex had died (complicated story), I fell apart. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't eat. I didn't want to live anymore, but just wither away. Everything just hurt. I pushed everyone away. But there was this guy, he wouldn't go away. He'd come every day, just let himself in, cook something, make annoyingly stupid jokes, tell me stories from work, or his wife. He didn't tell me to eat, or talk, or what I was supposed to feel, or that he understands, or that it would get better, that I had to pull myself together. The closest he ever came to that was sending me an incredible annoying picture trying to make me laugh.
I could have shot him into the sun. He has this way of making me want to strangle him sometimes. The man doesn't know nuance and he'd probably rather take a bullet than ever talk about feelings, never mind his own, but he came almost every day for almost two months, just being his uncomplicated joyful self, unphased by my pitch black depression. He came until I was back on my feet again. I had never known what to make of him. I had known him for a year and he had been fun to be around, but I had never had a read on him, never believed he really considered me as a friend, and never would have expected that. In the end, to my great surprise, what you saw was exactly what you got. I don't have words to convey how thankful I am to have met this guy and let him into my life.
If I told him this he'd tell me I have a "giant vagina", and again a part of me would want to strangle him, still, but it's incredible to know that there are people in your life you can count on when the times are not good. It's so good to know that not everyone is just out to take what they can, and that relationships, and friendships, they can be more than a zero sum game. It was through him that I learned this, and today I'm looking back, on him, that time, other people who have helped me along the way, and it fills my heart with too much gratitude and love to not spill over.