Guilty and confused.
Posted: August 6th, 2012, 5:59 pm
This could get long, so I apologize.
I'm 22 and going off to law school in a few weeks. As an older kid, teenager, and 20 year old, I struggled with self-harm. In college, I also got very, very depressed and had some anxiety. I still have some problems with depression, but function well and hide everything. It's a real pain.
I was emotionally abused as a kid- imagine a Caucasian version of Amy Chua, the woman who wrote "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother." I was always expected to get straight A's, be perfect, do lots of extracurriculars, and I wasn't allowed to show anger, fear, hurt, or sadness. Probably the biggest thing, though, is that affection was way too rare. Even when I was really little, I'd get sharply told to quit crying instead of being comforted, and was hardly ever hugged, let alone held. So that's the thing I find myself starved for as an adult. I need someone who can hold me, and often deal with thinking people will turn against me or walk out on me.
Also, I live at home with my parents for a few more weeks. And they do not much like the fact I'm bi and dating a girl.
That's led to the reason why I'm posting here. I met my girlfriend, K, in a city halfway between us for the weekend (we live eight hours apart.) This was the first time we'd physically met. Before this, it was blogging, texts, Skype, Facebook, and phone calls. Nevertheless, we got really close. I thought we told each other everything, and even though we're kind of at loose ends now, we have a strong bond.
I thought that because of this closeness, we would be able to have sex, or at least get past kissing, when we met. I knew that she had been through long-term sexual abuse as a kid, but I thought that because she is in counseling, we love each other, and I'm not a guy like the one who hurt her, it wouldn't preclude intimacy.
When she told me she wasn't ready, I completely broke down, crying for ages. I lost nearly 50 pounds so far this year, so I wondered if I wasn't hot or skinny enough (at a size 4,) for her. I also thought that by having sex, she would be less likely to walk out on me one day, and that it would keep us together even though we're long-distance. But it's really security and being held that I want, rather than the thing itself. I practically flung myself at her and begged her not to ever walk out! So I feel so guilty and shamed about this, because I should be able to accept her reservations, understand her, and not pressure her. If I pressure her, I'm as bad as that pedophile. I put her in a situation where she felt terrible, and then she had to be the one to comfort me!
I'm not sure how I can help her. I'm sure I want to stay, because I don't mind broken people. Obviously I'm broken too. And she has many other great qualities. I'm just very confused as to what I should do for her, and how to be patient and how patient to be. I need to get my head on straight about this before she comes to visit me in September.
And there's SO much guilt. More than anything. It feels like a constant weight, and every time I think about her turning me down, I almost start crying, though I know in my heart it's not me she's rejecting.
I'm 22 and going off to law school in a few weeks. As an older kid, teenager, and 20 year old, I struggled with self-harm. In college, I also got very, very depressed and had some anxiety. I still have some problems with depression, but function well and hide everything. It's a real pain.
I was emotionally abused as a kid- imagine a Caucasian version of Amy Chua, the woman who wrote "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother." I was always expected to get straight A's, be perfect, do lots of extracurriculars, and I wasn't allowed to show anger, fear, hurt, or sadness. Probably the biggest thing, though, is that affection was way too rare. Even when I was really little, I'd get sharply told to quit crying instead of being comforted, and was hardly ever hugged, let alone held. So that's the thing I find myself starved for as an adult. I need someone who can hold me, and often deal with thinking people will turn against me or walk out on me.
Also, I live at home with my parents for a few more weeks. And they do not much like the fact I'm bi and dating a girl.
That's led to the reason why I'm posting here. I met my girlfriend, K, in a city halfway between us for the weekend (we live eight hours apart.) This was the first time we'd physically met. Before this, it was blogging, texts, Skype, Facebook, and phone calls. Nevertheless, we got really close. I thought we told each other everything, and even though we're kind of at loose ends now, we have a strong bond.
I thought that because of this closeness, we would be able to have sex, or at least get past kissing, when we met. I knew that she had been through long-term sexual abuse as a kid, but I thought that because she is in counseling, we love each other, and I'm not a guy like the one who hurt her, it wouldn't preclude intimacy.
When she told me she wasn't ready, I completely broke down, crying for ages. I lost nearly 50 pounds so far this year, so I wondered if I wasn't hot or skinny enough (at a size 4,) for her. I also thought that by having sex, she would be less likely to walk out on me one day, and that it would keep us together even though we're long-distance. But it's really security and being held that I want, rather than the thing itself. I practically flung myself at her and begged her not to ever walk out! So I feel so guilty and shamed about this, because I should be able to accept her reservations, understand her, and not pressure her. If I pressure her, I'm as bad as that pedophile. I put her in a situation where she felt terrible, and then she had to be the one to comfort me!
I'm not sure how I can help her. I'm sure I want to stay, because I don't mind broken people. Obviously I'm broken too. And she has many other great qualities. I'm just very confused as to what I should do for her, and how to be patient and how patient to be. I need to get my head on straight about this before she comes to visit me in September.
And there's SO much guilt. More than anything. It feels like a constant weight, and every time I think about her turning me down, I almost start crying, though I know in my heart it's not me she's rejecting.