YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I don't have anyone that I can talk to openly and honestly about what I'm going through so I am glad I can vent my feelings here. I am hoping it will help at least to get it out...

I am so incredibly lonely. I feel as if I can't relate to anybody. I have some friends and a boyfriend whom I live with but no one has any idea that I am hurting this badly. It seems to me that nobody cares to truly know me. My boyfriend has mental health issues of his own including schizo-effective disorder, OCD, drug addiction, and narcissism. Therefore, from an objective perspective, he does not and cannot truly care about anyone but himself. I know he loves me but he ever considers my feelings or needs because he is incapable of doing so. We have talked openly about his issues but when it comes to dealing with any problems I am having he is unavailable. He repeatedly does things that he knows are hurtful to me but will not stop doing them.

Because of his mental health issues he has a hard time keeping jobs and therefore I am the only one in our relationship who is working. This puts an inordinate amount of stress on me. I work full time, do all of the housework, and essentially take care of every responsibility in both of our lives. On top of this we do not have sex. Ever. He cannot see me as a sexual object and therefore flat out refuses to have any sexual contact with me whatsoever. It has gotten to the point (much to my dissatisfaction) where we have an agreement that we can have sex with other people. I have never acted upon this and don't want to. He has. In fact, that's where he is right now...

I am caving under the stress. I am so lonely, so isolated, so hurt, and so tired. Not a single one of my needs is being met. I am normally a cheerful person and not one who complains even in the toughest of situations but I feel myself getting colder, angrier, and sadder by the day. I try to be as understanding as possible because I know he does not do things intentionally to hurt me, and he suffers from mental health problems but I am drained. Sorrow is becoming apathy. I don't like the person I am becoming.

There is not a single soul whom I can talk to about how I feel. Because of my boyfriend's addiction, I have stopped using alcohol to help him stay sober and thus as a girl in my 20's have lost almost all of my friends. It has made me realize that I never have had any friends that were truly caring. My birthday passed in July and I didn't get a single phone call or text from anyone. I am just SO incredibly lonely. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I didn't have my dogs I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning.

I know that most people would tell me to break up with my boyfriend but it's not that simple. I love him and don't feel like I can leave him. He is a good person, just ill. I also feel that if I broke up with him, I would never find anyone else to love me or would just choose another person who is fucked up. In the meantime, I am so fucking lonely I don't know what to do.

Hi LittleMiss...

First of all - you can do more than vent here. We're all in the same or similar boats here and you should know you are not alone.

And I know this is completely unsolicited .. but I think you need to lose the boyfriend. Love is a bit concept but it includes supporting your partner and taking their needs into account. What you have sounds like a one way street. Believe it or not, you will meet other people, fall in love again and maybe even live happily ever after. You just need to think about yourself and your needs.

As Paul says - have a little compassion for yourself.

Good luck!

I read your post, LittleMissNoName. I am completely incompetent to give good advice, but I honor your pain, and I know you don't deserve to feel this pain. Please take care, please love yourself in the way you very much deserve.

Thank you. It felt really good just to write it out even though it's just a snippet of the bigger picture. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have someone at least acknowledge the pain that I'm going through. I really appreciate your support.

In case I had any scrap of self-esteem left it was completely obliterated yesterday when my boyfriend admitted to me that the reason we don't ever have sex and the reason that he is not sexually attracted to me is because I am overweight. I have been the same size since we met and when we first started dating he told me that he likes fuller figured women, which he now admits was a lie. Up until yesterday he told me that he was not interested in having sex with me because he is exclusively interested in having one night stand sex with strangers and once he falls in love with someone his sexual attraction to them is over. He repeatedly told me without my prompting that it was not a weight issue that he was just weird sexually. Now he says that he didn't want to tell me because he didn't think I could handle it emotionally. Well, he's right. I am mortified. I have never been so humiliated in my life and I want to curl up in a ball and die. Nothing is going right. I am trying so fucking hard and it doesn't get me anywhere. It's so hard for me to trust anyone enough to be sexual with them because I have been hurt with almost every single sexual encounter in my life. I have again learned this lesson the hard way. I never ever EVER want to have sex with anyone ever again.

Hi LittleMiss.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It sucks to be in a relationship with someone who has serious problems. It makes it really hard to work on your own problems, because sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, it won't matter, because you can't fix your partner and make them feel better. I feel your pain - I can relate. Just remember, even when you don't feel it: you're worth it. You're lovable. You deserve love, affection, attention, and respect. Your needs and feelings are as valid as anyone else, and you have a right to them, and you have a right to strive to meet them yourself and connect with people who can meet them or help you get them met. Life is too short to let other people's problems dictate how you feel about yourself and what you do with your life. Maybe making a change in yourself will be the inspiration/kick in the ass that your boyfriend needs to work his own shit out, because if he feels like you will be there for him no matter what he does, he doesn't have motivation to change. Just remember - his image of you and the way he treats you does not define you. And you're not alone, no matter how much it feels like you are alone. There are many of us who have experienced or are experiencing some of the same hurt, fear, and uncertainty that you are. I hope you can be kind and compassionate to yourself and find some peace.

Wow, I wish I was better at taking my own advice.