Please, just think about it...
Posted: October 10th, 2012, 7:25 am
I have the upmost empathy for anyone on this site who feels depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, incapable, incompetent, and unable. So I don't mean to come across as having all the answers. Please, just think about my story. Don't act on it if you don't feel it's right for you, but at least give it some thought.
I lived in the United States of America for 45 years. I moved to China 6 1/2 weeks ago. Do I have life whipped? No way. But...
Before I moved to China I was overwhelmed, and that was the least of my problems. I was anxious, depressed, angry, and felt suicidal more often than I care to admit. In fact there were times when I had my suicide planned out, complete with the note on my computer waiting for my mother. What kept me alive was my dog. Would my mother take him? What would he do without me?
My house was being foreclosed on, I didn't make enough money to pay living expenses let alone the bills, and I had no way to get a job without going back into the job that nearly killed me. Suicide was a far better option than moving back in with my mother, or most anything else. Not that I don't love my mother, but as a friend said, that would be movement backward. Life was HORRIBLE.
And then I found a job in China. I am NOT saying that moving to China is the way to get over feeling incompetent, depressed, overwhelmed, anxious, and horrible. But I'll tell ya, there's nothing like a complete change of scenery to get the blood boiling.
At home I was so focused on myself. I couldn't get over myself, no matter how hard I tried to throw myself into giving to others. At home I had life so easy. I could eat what I wanted when I wanted, even if there were times when I couldn't afford food. Eventually I could get money and buy the food I wanted and life was okay again for the moment. That made life hard, because I was so used to getting what I wanted when I wanted it, even when I didn't recognize how easy I had it.
When I moved to China I couldn't read or write or speak or understand the language. I still can't, 6 1/2 weeks later, although I have tutors, so I'm learning, and I know about 5 Chinese words now. And I can point and motion and use sign language to get what I want, some of the time. I literally went hungry the first few weeks I was here because it was so hard to get food here without knowing the language.
The point being...when it comes to survival, true survival, there is no room for depression. Most of my depression and anxiety is hormonally based. When my hormones get to raging (ie: PMS) I get depressed, anxious, and irritable. I knew that before I left the U.S. Since coming to China, only the irritability is evident. I haven't been depressed or anxious once since I've been here.
There are, actually, several reasons for this. One, I started meditating months before I ever considered looking for a job here. Meditation did WONDERS for my anxiety. If it weren't for meditation I would never have even considered coming to China. I wouldn't have had the mental space. Meditation is the magic "pill" that "cured" me of my anxiety. Two, I made the decision (and the mental/emotional determination) that fear would NOT get the best of me. "I will not be afraid!" I said, every time I felt afraid. Mind over matter. It's so important. So important. And then there was the basic human need to save myself at whatever cost.
I don't understand why Paul feels so depressed, even with all his medication, support groups, counseling, and the love of his wife, but I do think that some of it has to do with being so focused on self. Americans have it so easy. Americans have so much that they can't account for it all. Americans are spoiled beyond comprehension. It's easier to be self-indulgent than it is to be uncomfortable.
I don't know how, living in America, you get over that. I had to move to China. And I figure that sometime over the next 11 months that I'm here that it's likely that some of that depression and anxiety may come back, but I also know that the major discomfort I've put myself through over the last 6 1/2 weeks has dispelled much of my inclination to be depressed and anxious. I can do things I never before thought possible. I can endure conditions I never before considered would be part of my life. Not that life in China is easy, but it's a far cry different than the privilege that is life in the United States.
I guess what I'm saying is, stop feeding your neuroses. It took meditation and moving to China to stop feeding mine. Maybe it doesn't have to be for you (although, I think meditation is the very best thing ever). Maybe you can be better at mind over matter than me. Maybe you can decide you're going to be successful and confident and loving without moving halfway around the world. Maybe you can get yourself on track to where you want to be without testing those boundaries of love and life like I had to. Give yourself a chance! And... stop being such a spoiled American. There's not a damned thing to be depressed about when it comes to American life. Not a damned thing.
I lived in the United States of America for 45 years. I moved to China 6 1/2 weeks ago. Do I have life whipped? No way. But...
Before I moved to China I was overwhelmed, and that was the least of my problems. I was anxious, depressed, angry, and felt suicidal more often than I care to admit. In fact there were times when I had my suicide planned out, complete with the note on my computer waiting for my mother. What kept me alive was my dog. Would my mother take him? What would he do without me?
My house was being foreclosed on, I didn't make enough money to pay living expenses let alone the bills, and I had no way to get a job without going back into the job that nearly killed me. Suicide was a far better option than moving back in with my mother, or most anything else. Not that I don't love my mother, but as a friend said, that would be movement backward. Life was HORRIBLE.
And then I found a job in China. I am NOT saying that moving to China is the way to get over feeling incompetent, depressed, overwhelmed, anxious, and horrible. But I'll tell ya, there's nothing like a complete change of scenery to get the blood boiling.
At home I was so focused on myself. I couldn't get over myself, no matter how hard I tried to throw myself into giving to others. At home I had life so easy. I could eat what I wanted when I wanted, even if there were times when I couldn't afford food. Eventually I could get money and buy the food I wanted and life was okay again for the moment. That made life hard, because I was so used to getting what I wanted when I wanted it, even when I didn't recognize how easy I had it.
When I moved to China I couldn't read or write or speak or understand the language. I still can't, 6 1/2 weeks later, although I have tutors, so I'm learning, and I know about 5 Chinese words now. And I can point and motion and use sign language to get what I want, some of the time. I literally went hungry the first few weeks I was here because it was so hard to get food here without knowing the language.
The point being...when it comes to survival, true survival, there is no room for depression. Most of my depression and anxiety is hormonally based. When my hormones get to raging (ie: PMS) I get depressed, anxious, and irritable. I knew that before I left the U.S. Since coming to China, only the irritability is evident. I haven't been depressed or anxious once since I've been here.
There are, actually, several reasons for this. One, I started meditating months before I ever considered looking for a job here. Meditation did WONDERS for my anxiety. If it weren't for meditation I would never have even considered coming to China. I wouldn't have had the mental space. Meditation is the magic "pill" that "cured" me of my anxiety. Two, I made the decision (and the mental/emotional determination) that fear would NOT get the best of me. "I will not be afraid!" I said, every time I felt afraid. Mind over matter. It's so important. So important. And then there was the basic human need to save myself at whatever cost.
I don't understand why Paul feels so depressed, even with all his medication, support groups, counseling, and the love of his wife, but I do think that some of it has to do with being so focused on self. Americans have it so easy. Americans have so much that they can't account for it all. Americans are spoiled beyond comprehension. It's easier to be self-indulgent than it is to be uncomfortable.
I don't know how, living in America, you get over that. I had to move to China. And I figure that sometime over the next 11 months that I'm here that it's likely that some of that depression and anxiety may come back, but I also know that the major discomfort I've put myself through over the last 6 1/2 weeks has dispelled much of my inclination to be depressed and anxious. I can do things I never before thought possible. I can endure conditions I never before considered would be part of my life. Not that life in China is easy, but it's a far cry different than the privilege that is life in the United States.
I guess what I'm saying is, stop feeding your neuroses. It took meditation and moving to China to stop feeding mine. Maybe it doesn't have to be for you (although, I think meditation is the very best thing ever). Maybe you can be better at mind over matter than me. Maybe you can decide you're going to be successful and confident and loving without moving halfway around the world. Maybe you can get yourself on track to where you want to be without testing those boundaries of love and life like I had to. Give yourself a chance! And... stop being such a spoiled American. There's not a damned thing to be depressed about when it comes to American life. Not a damned thing.
