Disability Hearing Went Awry
Posted: October 12th, 2012, 1:02 pm
So about six months ago, my therapist advised me to begin the process to apply for disability benefits, referring me to a lawyer who is known to their office. Over that time I've done a bunch of paperwork and jumped through several hoops for both her and the Social Security people. She has alternated between patience and anger throughout the whole ordeal, some of it directed at me and my parents - she was really ticked off when I came alone one time and had a panic attack in her office. At first I assumed this was just her way of dealing with her job and the train of sad stories she sees, but now I wonder if she's ever advocated for somebody with anxiety before.
The hearing finally happened, and while I was dreading it enough to develop a truly killer migraine, I thought I'd come to a clear-headed state of being the day of and was ready to speak on my own behalf. She and I went over the notes of my case before hand, and shortly before we went into the room with the judge, secretary, and a speakerphone (on which they had a vocational expert), she asked me if I'd taken my panic attack medicine. I told her no and she, annoyed, insisted that I needed to in case it helped my case.
I was reluctant to take the stuff since the last time I had taken it (Alprazolam), I'd essentially zoned out and experienced lost time - it was at a big college football game my dad, sister, and brother-in-law took me to, and I still remember little to nothing of it. Apparently I had tried to take more of the happy pills during the game but my sister prevented me, and I was described as being more or less zombie-like during the duration of its effects. Not really ideal for a public hearing, you know? I had talked to my therapist about it and she told me to go with my gut - which told me to not take the medicine during the hearing.
But sitting there in anticipation of the hearing, with the pissed off lawyer staring me down, I bowed to her pressure, didn't explain my concerns, and took the stupid pill. At first it seemed like it wasn't having any impact, but once we walked to the hearing room, it kicked in and apparently made me a mumbly, poorly focused dullard. I have vague recollections of a disappointed looking judge, the star-shaped speaker phone, and my lawyer exasperatedly asking me to speak up as I dazedly went through the motions. All my notes were forgotten, our prep work apparently for naught.
The real stinger on the whole sad business, though, is my lawyer's response; as we walked with my parents back to the elevators, she angrily told me that I'd lost the case for her, and that it was clearly my fault. Two days letter I've just now gotten a letter from her office re-iterating this sentiment, where she claims the judge was ready to go with my approval but that getting answers from me was "like pulling teeth".
Right now, I don't know what to think. My first instinct is to blame myself for being an idiot and not fighting her on the pill taking. My second instinct is to think she can't admit the outcome was her fault. Either way, I'm confused, disappointed, and wondering why the Hell I went through all this bureaucratic bullshit in the first place. I should feel relieved for having at least overcome my dread of the hearing, but...now?
Should I respond to the lawyer's accusations? Let it lie and just let her handle the appeal? Give up on the whole stupid process? I'm going to talk to my therapist but I'm curious to know what strangers' opinions are on this.
The hearing finally happened, and while I was dreading it enough to develop a truly killer migraine, I thought I'd come to a clear-headed state of being the day of and was ready to speak on my own behalf. She and I went over the notes of my case before hand, and shortly before we went into the room with the judge, secretary, and a speakerphone (on which they had a vocational expert), she asked me if I'd taken my panic attack medicine. I told her no and she, annoyed, insisted that I needed to in case it helped my case.
I was reluctant to take the stuff since the last time I had taken it (Alprazolam), I'd essentially zoned out and experienced lost time - it was at a big college football game my dad, sister, and brother-in-law took me to, and I still remember little to nothing of it. Apparently I had tried to take more of the happy pills during the game but my sister prevented me, and I was described as being more or less zombie-like during the duration of its effects. Not really ideal for a public hearing, you know? I had talked to my therapist about it and she told me to go with my gut - which told me to not take the medicine during the hearing.
But sitting there in anticipation of the hearing, with the pissed off lawyer staring me down, I bowed to her pressure, didn't explain my concerns, and took the stupid pill. At first it seemed like it wasn't having any impact, but once we walked to the hearing room, it kicked in and apparently made me a mumbly, poorly focused dullard. I have vague recollections of a disappointed looking judge, the star-shaped speaker phone, and my lawyer exasperatedly asking me to speak up as I dazedly went through the motions. All my notes were forgotten, our prep work apparently for naught.
The real stinger on the whole sad business, though, is my lawyer's response; as we walked with my parents back to the elevators, she angrily told me that I'd lost the case for her, and that it was clearly my fault. Two days letter I've just now gotten a letter from her office re-iterating this sentiment, where she claims the judge was ready to go with my approval but that getting answers from me was "like pulling teeth".
Right now, I don't know what to think. My first instinct is to blame myself for being an idiot and not fighting her on the pill taking. My second instinct is to think she can't admit the outcome was her fault. Either way, I'm confused, disappointed, and wondering why the Hell I went through all this bureaucratic bullshit in the first place. I should feel relieved for having at least overcome my dread of the hearing, but...now?
Should I respond to the lawyer's accusations? Let it lie and just let her handle the appeal? Give up on the whole stupid process? I'm going to talk to my therapist but I'm curious to know what strangers' opinions are on this.