YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

A couple of weeks ago my therapist asked me if I thought I married the wrong person.

I hemmed and hawed and then said 'yes, I did.'

It was like a great weight was lifted off of my back. I felt like I finally grew up and took control over my life.

My wife and I both married the wrong person. I'm not saying the past 15 years have been a waste - we have a good life We are raising three wonderful children. We have fun together. The sex is pretty good. But at the core, neither of us are happy with the other. We are both looking for something that the other can't provide.

She thinks I"m throwing in the towel but she still holds on to this notion that if I somehow change to become the man she wants that everything will be perfect. What I want is irrelevant. I've spent the last 15 years convincing myself that if I did become that person that she would finally love me. I know now that I don't want to be that person and even if I did, it wouldn't be enough.

I'm not angry or heartbroken. I'm relieved.

We're not going to divorce - we don't want to put ourselves and the kids through that. But I'm fairly sure that the day we drop our youngest at college, I'll pack everything I want to keep in the back of a U-Haul truck and drive away until I get as far away from here as I possibly can.

It's quite powerful and courageous you admitted this. I'm glad you could.

I, however, want to offer some perspective on divorce, marriage, and "staying together for the kids." As someone who has been through two divorces and watching one parent struggle with their present marriage - I have to say that it was easier to deal with the divorce than with the unhappy marriage as a child.

The first one was my biological parents.

When two parents are unhappy together, it impacts the home. Children know what's going on. When I slept I would hear my parents fighting in the other room, fighting outside. My father took a different shift schedule just so he wouldn't be home when she was. I didn't see him often because of that. The family, as a unit, tried to spend time together but it was so horribly disheartening to watch my parents "pretend." They never said a word to us (the kids) about it but we knew what was going on. I was depressed at home, acted out at school.

Staying together for the kids will only hurt them in the long run. The family atmosphere, the household stability - it all gets affected.

When they divorced, it was a hard transition, yes, but eventually my parents were happy again. I watched my mom get counseling and have the stones to reach out for help when she needed it, and I watched my father start dating again and find a woman he desperately loved.


I know this is coming from my perspective and I am biased, but I watched the parents of my friends "stay together for them" and when we got older, they'd stay with me constantly because of the unease in their home. It hurt them so much, to watch their parents pretend.


I'm not saying divorce is the right thing to do. But I am saying that staying together for kids in an unhappy marriage hurts them. At least, if you were to divorce now, you can be there for them, you can watch them and be there should the children get depressed, and you can be their support system to help them transition.


If you wait until college to do it, this will be a huge blow. They might get depressed, and it might hurt their academic studies....and they'll be on their own.


So, I'm saying - think about it.

*been through two divorces

Sorry! That sounds like I'm saying I divorced twice. I mean my mother's two divorces!

Fifth - I see your point... but we're not fighting and we generally get along. My point to her was that we need to reset and acknowledge what's been unsaid for so long - that we both went into this for the wrong reasons and we're happy with each other.

It's weird to frame it that way - I know. It would be easier if there were dishes flying and kids ducking for cover. but there isn't. We're just two people who never should have married.

Plus - living here in NY is expensive enough with one house. Getting an apartment for me would be prohibitive.

That should have read we're NOT happy with each other......

(can we get an edit function please..)

Wow. That sounds powerful. I often see some parallels in your situation and mine, and the prospect of passing that threshhold seems like it must feel very relieving and exciting but scary at the same time.

Congratulations and best wishes if you are moving into a new phase of understanding yourself and your needs that enables you to make the changes to be a happier person. Please keep us informed - I'm rooting for you.

I can really relate to this and the feeling of a weight being lifted.

I had a similar moment at the end of my marriage (I have been divorced for over 6 years - no kids) and it was not only the "a-ha" moment but the saying it out loud in front of someone that was both completely freeing like nothing else had been and totally terrifying because I felt so guilty.

It was kind of a two-part moment for me.

One came when I was at a week-long poetry workshop and Louise Glück was reading "Landscape" to the group. I was sitting on the floor, listening, and she read the lines, "It is like losing a year of your life. / To what would you lose a year of your life?" It was like I had been smacked across the face. She finished the poem and everyone got up for a break and I could not get off the floor.

The second part, that is like the experience you described, came when in my therapist's office. She asked me, "Do you think you're too much for him?" (She meant "too much" in a positive way - it's hard to describe. And I know that may come off sounding pompous but it wasn't.) When she asked me that, it was as if she had reached into me and grabbed my deepest, darkest, most shameful thought I had about my marriage and plopped it right in the middle of that room we were sitting in. And I felt like every cell of my body screamed, "YES!!!" and I hadn't even consciously realized that that was what I was wrestling with and that, no matter how much work we did on the marriage, it wasn't going to work. We were just two very different people who shouldn't be married to one another. When I answered her question, I opened my mouth and this calm, solid, unrecognizable voice said, "Yes."

I still had guilt and I had to work on that before I left my marriage. But the conversation about it (with my therapist) was started. Finally.

We mutually agreed to separate and, throughout it all, we were kind to one another and we did not fight, we did not blame. We were sad but there was no ugliness. We are still friends and I think we always will be. I believe that love never dies, it only changes in form.

Thank you so much for posting your experience. It helped me key in to that memory and relate it to something I'm currently experiencing. And I truly wish you happiness and strength.

PS - Regarding "not fighting" - my ex-husband and I never fought. Like, ever. I noticed you said that you and your spouse are not fighting. Looking back, I know now that that, for me in my marriage, was a key sign that something was wrong and I missed it. Or rather, I misinterpreted it as something positive. Does anyone have any thoughts on that?

Thank you everyone - the comments have been very insightful and really helpful.

Weary - yes, I've seen parallels between us. All unhappy families are different (I think it was Tolstoy who said that) but I think it all starts with the husband and wife.

Wildflower - your a-ha moment sounds like mine. I feel really good about it. My stomach isn't in knots anymore. I'm not anxious. I have perspective. I'm amazed my therapist pulled it out of me. I can also related to 'do you think you're too much' - I don't think my wife has really thought out what it means to be married to someone with Bipolar disorder and sometimes crippling depression. She comes from a family that viewed illness and feelings (great combo) as a weakness not to be discussed. So she's either avoiding thinking about it or she thinks if I just stay on the meds, everything should be just peachy.

Also - we don't fight and yes, I've always thought that was Not A Good Thing. In my family - the arguments were fast and furious and I thought that was a sign of disfunction. My wife's family was just te opposite - arguments were to be avoided, feelings to be suppressed. Now I'm not so sure who had the better emotional training.

On a very superficial level - we do get along. Most of the time things are fine. We watch the debates and give each other knowing glances. We go out on dates. We like the same music, literature, art. The sex is good. We're sort of friends with benefits.

But at the core, we're not the right people and we both know it. She thinks if we just push that thought down we can get through the next eight years (till our youngest goes to college). I feel that unless we acknowledge the elephant in the room and come up with an arrangement where we can both be happy and we can get along in the house, we won't last eight more months let alone eight years.

I know this could create more problems than it's worth but I also think we need to open up the marriage and both be with other people even as we stay together in the house. I really want for her to be happy and if it's with another man, even now, I can deal with that.