A feeling of oncoming dread

[meh]

My son't Bar Mitzvah is Saturday. Of course, great fucking timing, I'm feeling like I'm slipping back into depression.

I'm going through a bad combination right now - the stress of getting all of our ducks in a row for Saturday on top of my normal social anxiety and inability to be around people. Plus just about everyone who triggers my depression - my Mother, my Sister, my Wife's friends who I can't stand - are going to be there. I'm fighting the urge to get in the car and start driving away as fast as I can.

I'm trying to hold it together for six more days. Once I get through the party and a family brunch on Sunday, I can run and hide from the world to my heart's content. I feel though like I'm in a losing battle.

And the last thing my wife wants to hear is that I don't think I can hold things together through Sunday night.

I've been stockpiling Zanax for this weekend - I had a funny feeling that I'd need them. And I see my therapist on Wednesday.

So keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm sure I'll make it through one way or another but right now it feels like I'm going south.

[fifthsonata]

I'm glad you're seeing your counselor before then!

I never used to understand how someone can be so triggered just by the mere presence of a person, but now I absolutely do - the way they've treated you, how they make you feel about yourself, even if you don't possibly give a shit about the person it still just drags you below water and you want to avoid it all possible costs.

So, there's no way you can get out of this. It's for your child.

Use that to your advantage.

Instead of thinking of this as a dreadful event, make it all about your child. Of course I know you will, BUT, if someone's there that you can't stand, it's hard to maintain that focus. Step outside of yourself and your emotions, and focus solely on your son - don't engage the people you don't like. Make small talk when they come to you, and try to be objective. Think of them only as people there to support your son, don't talk to them about personal issues. Perceive them as just people, not family or your wife's friends, just as people. That's it.

Or, think of it like a job event - pretend they're your coworkers and you're trying to maintain professional courtesy so you don't jeopardize your job. You shut out personal feelings towards them.


Of course the Xanax will help, but that stuff always made me feel high. Not sure about you, though, lol - hey if that helps you keep it together for your son, by all means.

[weary]

I will keep my fingers crossed for you. I agree with fifthsonata - remembering how much you love your son and how proud you are of him can power you through a lot. I hope you have a productive appointment with your therapist tomorrow and remember that you have a community of people here who understand how awful a situation like this can feel, accept that it's OK that it makes you feel the way you do, and also believe in how strong you are and know that you can not only make it through the weekend unscathed, but you may actually be able to manage to enjoy yourself for part of it. Please do your best to treat yourself with kindness and compassion and let us know how it turns out!

[meh]

Thanks .... focusing on my son is exactly right. Forget the bullshit flying around the perimeter. My mother will be her usual passive-agressive negative self. It can't be helped. But in the name of being the host I can safely ignore her.

Xanex usually puts me to sleep actually...

[meh]

Well... it's Sunday night, the night after the Bar Mitzvah. I feel amazingly good - not happy but just good. I haven't felt good in years.

Long story short - I did exactly what you all and my therapist told me to do. Focus on my son and my family and everything else is peripheral. I'm proud of my son.

Feeling good feels so good.

[weary]

That's wonderful to hear. Feeling good is cause for celebration - especially after a situation that had the potential to trigger all sorts of negative feelings. Well done, my friend!

[meh]

thanks.... I know there are speed bumps in the road ahead but right now things feel good.