frustrated, anxious

[Nevina]

Just discovered that I already dipped below $0 in my checking account and I don't get paid for 9 more days. I think there are a coupe of outstanding charges out there so I may have a couple more $13 fees and withdrawals before I get paid. Cats are completely out of cat food so I'll be giving them a can of tuna fish until I can pick up some (with my credit card) after I get home from work in 11 hours. Personal organizer is coming over tomorrow for her every-two-months visit, and the house is in just as bad a shape as it always is when she gets here. I'm tired and embarrassed of her always helping us get the livingroom and kitchen free of garbage and tidied up, only to have it back in the same state next time. So we're going to have her help boyfriend clean up his room while I work on the rest of it. My violin teacher is back from tour and ready to meet with me, but it terrifies me that I haven't actually practiced for two months. Since my last lesson. Every time I have a lesson I feel energized and THIS is going to be the time that I start taking it seriously, but no. Embarrassed about that as well, and afraid he'll eventually give up on me since it's always the same story.

I'm afraid that the brief moments of motivation and learning that I experience are so lost in the sea of anxious paralysis and I will never get out of this swamp.

[SleepyNinja]

Nevina, I can TOTALLY relate. "I'm afraid that the brief moments of motivation and learning that I experience are so lost in the sea of anxious paralysis and I will never get out of this swamp."-I tell myself the SAME thing every single day.
I'm struggling under two student loans and medical bills. Once again am going to be late with my rent on the 15th (when I get paid again). Still gotta buy some xmas gifts. Plus there have been massive lay offs at my work, so anytime soon I could be next.
Is there anyway you could give yourself even a half hour sometime during the week to devote to tidying up? Sometimes a tiny amount of accomplishment can give a little peace of mind.

[Nevina]

Yes, i have plenty of time, just .... can't seem to get started 99% of the time. I do feel better when I make some progress, but I'm really struggling to get over the "first step" hurdle. Heh, I'm drowned in medical bills and my way of dealing with it has been not to check my mail for two months, then bring it all in and dump it in a bag, then sort through it sometime later but not actually take any action.

I didn't used to have this problem with mail and bills. It's just been the last couple of years. It did happen to me one time before, in 1999 after a bad car accident. Dealing with all the lawyer stuff and insurance stuff was too much for me. Toss those in a bag. But luckily I paid enough attention that I was able to get my settlement and put it to rest.

Yeah, definitely not a time issue, but breaking out of the paralysis issue.

Thanks for the reply! After I wrote that i just broke down sobbing but I had to buck up after a few minutes and head to work. Can't afford any more mental health sick days. Plus, the distraction of work and being able to lose myself in my job at least offers some relief.