YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Well, I'm doing OK, not great, but overall much better than I usually do during the holidays and throughout the year to be honest. But one thing that I have been aware of for some time (years) is that one of the main reasons i don't want to go outside the house is that i get irritated VERY easily, and then I act like a bossy-ass bitch and then feel shitty the rest of the day. Today I spent TWO HOURS getting an oil change and a carwash from a Groupon special and expressed my displeasure to the manager. Oh, who gives a fuck anyway about the fucking carwash, I mean really, but I don't LIKE getting irritated! But in the moment I just feel so JUSTIFIED!!! Yuck, what a bitch i am. And in the moment I think that everyone else is a fuckin' woose (sp?) for not standing up for themselves. To be fair to myself, two other people were pretty pissed also, But don't give me a good reason to be mad, because I will go POSTAL! yikes! I just get irritated very easily and have to prepare myself to NOT GET IRRITATED. it's also the reason I am underemployed and have never been in a long-term relationship -- I have a hard time tolerating stupidity and also setting boundaries (had an epiphany about this the other day). Well, it's actually a lot better than it used to be, and I am just venting here since I just came from the car wash. I also have a very self-righteous attitude of right and wrong, which sometimes serves me well, but other times is just a pain in the ass to be around. i think I am my own worst critic, though, and I am the one who is suffering the most from my own internal critic, I totally get that. Anyway, just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks all for listening. Comments welcomed.

Haha! just read my own posting, god what a bitch I can be. And guess what? The carwash people let the air out of one of my tires, so that by the time I got to my destination, I had a flat! I have no doubt this was done on purpose -- at least, that's what the AAA guy said who came and put air in the tire (and was super nice and efficient -- I bought him a cup of coffee). Guess I wont' be going to THAT carwash anymore!

Well, anyway, I'm reading other people's postings about the holidays and i really feel for all of you who are having such a tough time -- I've been there. I'm on medication and hormones and most of my mood-related illness issues (food sensitivities, candida) are now understood and under control, so over all i am feeling a lot better this year But I feel for you guys, believe me.

The holidays for me have come to be a really personal time for myself to just enjoy the really cold weather, get up into the snow if I can and feel my connection to nature in what feels like a very pure, quiet, personal way -- I feel my spirit renewed and calming and getting ready for the new year. If you can't get up to the snow, you can take a hike locally on Xmas morning -- anywhere that's quiet and just be with the season personally. I do love the lights and the trees, but I don't go to the mall (maybe just once), I don't buy a lot of presents, I do some baking and I exchange a few gifts.

This will be the 3rd Xmas I will spend alone. I go down to Venice to feed the homeless on Xmas morning. The 1st two years alone were brutal, I mean brutal. But now I'm really OK with it. I don't want to be anyone's charity case, so I don't want to be invited to someone's house because they feel sorry for me. Been there, done that, and it makes me even more depressed. I have plans to go up to the mountains after Xmas and that's good right now. I am looking forward to Xmas evolving for me. I will always bring my own sensibilities to my Xmas -- what I like to eat, cook, how I like to decorate, what I to do.

I have very good Xmas memories and I miss those times. I also made myself sit down this year and really, really remember exactly what those experiences were like, and guess what? They were not NEAR so great as I remember them in that sort of foggy way we remember. It takes some of the grief out to remember that it wasn't quite as good as we remember and that we can recreate what was best without having to submit to the worst.

Hope some of this helps.