YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Ok so "I think" I'm starting to get a baseline on medication and it's starting to work and level out a bit. However, I still have the same issues with body image I always have and I am reluctant to join support groups because I feel I have a self hate issue with my Cerebral Palsy that is preventing me from taking that step. I haven't found a therapist yet to help me get down and dirty with that. I mean it's really bad. Years ago I tried to stick a support group but my opinion of myself was so bad I couldn't even go bowling and not think: "You are so worthless, you can't even crush these people in wheelchairs at fucking bowling." Fucked up right? I can grasp that this thought process is completely negative and self defeating, but damned if I just don't think it anyway and it sends me into a spiral of being in bed for a month.

Procrastination has always been an issue but recently I've noticed it on my own: "Do I really want to get better? YES! Well why the fuck did you not do the work today and make the calls you need to and get going then?" Feeling guilty that it's not really that hard to get phone calls done and get the ball rolling but still it isn't done. This brings up more self loathing and just pure anger. Which tenses me up of course which brings up more body image crap. I think if I had any ambition of ability to interact with the real world I probably would have turned to addictive substances a long time ago. Which is also just the most broken way of looking at the world it makes me feel a bit choked up as I type this. Then it occurs to me that at least I'm feeling that and owning it and not being an ostrich.

Hello, ghughes1980!

Please don't use what is socially called "procrastination" into an excuse to call yourself horrible names and subject yourself to self-loathing.

Sometimes our desire to make a change is like pushing on a rope. It would probably be better if it wasn't that way, but it is truly a part of the human condition. But don't use it as a reason to call yourself horrible names and subject yourself to self-loathing.

Sometimes I schedule only 5 minutes of productive time a day. Sometimes it is 2 minutes 30 seconds. Self-loathing would send me spinning, and I wouldn't even get that little done. I accept reality on reality's own terms. I have the desire to improve, and there is objective evidence of actions toward improvement, even if they are so very little and work so very slow.

Please take care, cheers, we here are all wanting you to enjoy the very best today and tomorrow!

I know, it's a learned behavior I'm trying to break (the self bashing) I bet it's from being bullied as a child. In fact I know it is. When you get in that tunnel vision of depression it's the go to. I am working on that I really am it's just very hard.
I did the work I needed to do today I just should have yesterday and the ball is in the doctor's court now.

Ok this is rather amazing...
I just finished the Kristine Keese episode and somethings she said has really resonated with me. You can either be a victim or a survivor, and for most of my life (I would venture a guess 95%) I have identified as a victim. Which tends to alienate you from others (family/Friends). As I sit in this apartment I hate alone, I'd tend to agree. There is also a strange addition of a survivor guilt mixed in with this victimization that on occasion really throws me around. (Why am I not typical A but this odd mix of A,B,C when it comes to disability etc.) It's really weird. Anyway I thought I'd share and see what others think.