Going on medical leave from work

[RationalMuse]

I have been diagnosed with depression and been medicated on and off (on 12 yrs +) for over 23 years. I was on employment insurance with major depression for the first time around 20 yrs ago right before my husband and I got married for around 8 months and ended up going back to University to get my teaching degree. I was technically on medical leave due to post partum after the birth of my first daughter in 2000 but had already planned to take the year off and had saved for it so it only felt like a paperwork thing changing from personal leave to medical leave.

Now after experiencing the most horrendous semester of my teaching career, extreme workplace bullying I returned to school for a day after the Christmas break and don't think I will be going back anytime soon. I have been beating myself up all day thinking that I just need a couple of days, helll maybe even just until the end of the month and start the next semester on Feb 1, refreshed. I keep thinking about being a failure, weak and incompetent and how I need to keep showing up and prowling through. I am scared of taking more than a couple of weeks off as stress leave as the reason. Even that amount feels risky and needy. When my friend suggested strongly that she thought it was a great idea and that I should be considering taking until the start of next Sept. off I was actually angry at her for suggesting that I didn't know what was best for me - take three weeks off, go back working full time. But as the day progressed and I emailed another friend and spoke to my mom, the idea of going back any sooner than Sept 2013 seems crazy.

I called my psychiatrist and as usual didn't get a call back. He explained at my last appointment that he took on too many patients and he's doing the best he can - see you in 6 months. He had been unreachable for over two weeks when I physically couldn't go into work in October at the peak of workplace issues, luckily my GP was available. Tomorrow I am calling my GP and getting in to see her for the proper paper work to go ion leave.

I feel guilty I am feeling relief that I could really get a break and find my centre again. I can't shut off the negative thoughts and self talk telling me that I am looking for attention, needy, approval seeking, weak, delusional and self pitying. Because of my meds I am not suicidial but burnt out nonetheless. It is all so hard am lonely.

[talkthedog]

First off, HUGS. Second off, you need to take care of YOU. Even a little time off might get you a chance to think clearer! I think I read about your horrible psychiatrist that apparently doesnt have time for you, can you find another one? I am guessing he is for meds? Find a therapist to talk to? Or a support group? or a really good friend? Or someone from a church? Get a journal and write? Doesn't have to make sense or be coherent! Just get it out of your system! Might help with the negative self talk. Or even just keep writing here! Again, HUGS!

[talkthedog]

Saw this on FB and thought of this thread..

[RationalMuse]

That is perfect!!! I was listening to a Nerdist podcast with Gabe Newell from Valve gaming. He was talking about preventing burnout in his employees. They have a policy that discourages over time in an industry known for excessively long hours during production. He said burnout can happen when your are working to fix errors or bad decisions made by others - this was as an explanation why it is so incredibly important to take the time to get the right people working with you because the cost of having someone that really doesn't mesh has an impact on everyone. Our previous principal ran the entire school just about into the ground - it is going to take at least three years to financially recover from his decisions, let alone the time to recover the staff morale, trust and level of collaboration he systematically destroyed. The more I think about it (while not in swamp of depressive thinking), the more I see that my working current conditions are just as relevant as the impact of bullying last semester, even with a new fantastic principal since early October. The new principal hasn't had time to make changes that have trickled down to impact my day to day realities. I have hope and trust that the new guy is making improvements daily, but he is starting at the most basic, urgent problems left by his predecessor. Maybe by September I will be able to walk into the school and be the beneficiary of his influence, but right now my mental health can't wait it out in that classroom until things get better.

[Nevina]

Wow, do I identify with everything you're going through. My current job is in a similar state of upheaval, with the same problems of low moral and illness and mistakes. I sometimes wish I was just a liiiitle bit sicker so I could justify a nice mental holiday, but honestly, I bring home the majority of income in this household and we couldn't afford for me to be off work for even a few weeks. My company sure isn't interested in preventing burnout. And boo on unavailable psychiatrists! I agree, can you see someone else? Even a GP for medication if you need to? Or a therapist if talkin's what you need? I didn't realize how great my psych is until I had two friends who were in crisis and couldn't get a hold of their doctors, and now your post... my psych puts on his voicemail a backup doctor to contact if he's on vacation. I had to call the backup doctor one time when I had a med problem. And when he's not on vacation, he's never "too busy" to call back within a day. I feel very very lucky.

Sorry, that's how I tend to converse about these things - to explain times (like now!) when I felt the same, or talk about my experiences. I'm not very good at conversation. But it doesn't mean I'm not interested!

[RationalMuse]

Nevina, any kind of feedback right now is a life line. Friends I have reached out to either don't know how to respond (she is just such a focused motivated person that has pushed through, experienced extreme stress but not depression, there is empathy as a teacher, friend and respect but a disconnect with the depression but still supports me taking a leave), one who emailed me back saying that she doesn't have it in her to come for a visit or coffee because she can't be my therapist and how I definitely need therapy and another who is also on leave from teaching who hasn't returned a call in months, has responded to a few messages via email or Facebook, but has not initiated communication in a long time. Being so busy teaching, exhausted from teaching when I get home and "recovering" has resulted in me not maintaining or staying connected to friends and isolated enough not to be in a position to meet too many new friends.

I tried to learn to play violin last year when I was forced to a different school by the old principal in my efforts to make a fresh start. Between parent/teacher conferences, meet the teacher, open house evenings at my school I was expected to attend and prepare for, I also was scouting junior high schools for my oldest daughter, attending as a parent parent/teacher evenings at their schools and getting 2 girls to dance three nights a week. The one new hobby I invested money to get and even started lessons that I ended up missing all but three in three months and I ended up cancelling the lessons and haven't picked up my fiddle since. I used to garden like a mad women and haven't cared or had the patience or energy to do each scoring for at least four years. Television, reading and stupid games on my iPad or phone is all that I have left and I am seriously struggling to concentrate enough to read more than tweets and the forum.

Tomorrow I will keep trying to get a response from my shrink, but at least I have an appointment with my GP Friday and can get a referral for a new psychiatrist.

[Nevina]

I've been having trouble holding onto the friendships I've made these past few years. I feel terrible. Phone calls freak me out, I used to LOVE to go see friends perform music or go to concerts with them, but now I can barely get my ass to any concerts at all. I'm not checking in on FB or email like I should be with people who have been struggling as well. You and violin? Even a tiny amount? Startin' to think we're twins from another mother here....hehe. Where are you? We have quite a bit in common, it seems like it might be a low stress activity to meet up for some coffee or something. But I bet you're on the other side of the world.