I'm in one of those weird conflicting feeling moments, and I feel like y'all are the ones who would best understand what's going on.
I start my new job tomorrow, which is super-exciting. But I'm also scared shitless because the bar is set so high (the ONE TIME I try overselling myself in an interview I wind up having to live up to the expectations... sigh). I'm terrified that I'm going to mess up and get fired right away. Or, since it's temp to hire, that they'll decide not to bring me on full-time. And then I'm back to where I was two weeks ago when I had no job and no offers. Sigh. I'm completely exhausted, but I'm still anxious. I'm not hungry, but I want to eat everything in sight. I feel like crying and sleeping at the same time. Maybe it's my medicine wearing off for the day. I don't know. I'm just freaked out right now.
Thank you for letting me ramble.
How do I hold all these feels?
Re: How do I hold all these feels?
It probably sounds like I'm mocking you, but the thing you need to do first, is to accept whatever it is you're feeling. Through therapy I have learned (and am still learning) to work my way through intense emotions and disturbing thoughts, but the first way is always acceptance. Sounds easier said than done, I know, but it takes a lot of the pressure away along with the guilt and the shame.
I am in a similar situation right now. I have a job interview on friday (my first one ever actually). Everything about this job sounds awesome, but never having worked before because of my mental illness, it puts me under a lot of pressure to be just as awesome. Twelve months ago I wouldn't have been able to cope with this sort of stress and the fear of rejection. But with the practice of acceptance and going easy on myself I will manage this, even if I fail. If I fuck it up, it will only mean, that I am not ready for this sort of work. It's probably still gonna hurt big time, but having lived a life of avoidance and fear, even failure would be a success. Cause I tried. I will find my way around this wicked world only by trying, failing and then trying something else.
I'm not telling you, that you will be fine, if this job is not gonna work out for you. But if you accept your feelings about it, it will become less intense and you 'll save yourself some energy, to dust yourself off and try again. In the meantime: be good to yourself. Call a friend, rent a movie, make yourself some dinner or a cup of tea. Take care of yourself. Learn something. Do the things that boost your sense of self, then it won't hit you as hard, if you experience rejection.
I wish you well.
I am in a similar situation right now. I have a job interview on friday (my first one ever actually). Everything about this job sounds awesome, but never having worked before because of my mental illness, it puts me under a lot of pressure to be just as awesome. Twelve months ago I wouldn't have been able to cope with this sort of stress and the fear of rejection. But with the practice of acceptance and going easy on myself I will manage this, even if I fail. If I fuck it up, it will only mean, that I am not ready for this sort of work. It's probably still gonna hurt big time, but having lived a life of avoidance and fear, even failure would be a success. Cause I tried. I will find my way around this wicked world only by trying, failing and then trying something else.
I'm not telling you, that you will be fine, if this job is not gonna work out for you. But if you accept your feelings about it, it will become less intense and you 'll save yourself some energy, to dust yourself off and try again. In the meantime: be good to yourself. Call a friend, rent a movie, make yourself some dinner or a cup of tea. Take care of yourself. Learn something. Do the things that boost your sense of self, then it won't hit you as hard, if you experience rejection.
I wish you well.
Re: How do I hold all these feels?
HI ididthatonce. Conflicting feelings suck. Best advice I can give is do your best to clear your head and tap into what emotion you are really feeling. Try to strip away the interpretations and analysis of the feelings as much as you can (and believe me, I know that it is hard). The physiological response to excitement and anticipation (adrenaline rush, racing heart, etc) is the same as the one for anxiety and worry. If you are accustomed to being anxious, then even positive excitement can be perceived/processed as anxious - your brain automatically assumes that those physical feelings are associated with the negative state of mind.
Sure a new job is scary, because it is unknown, and all of the things that you list that could go wrong are possibilities. But a lot can go right, too - it is an opportunity for youto prove how competent and awesome you are. And as you said, even if it doesn't work out, you will be set back... two weeks. Not that you want to root for that to happen, but it won't be the end of the world. You have a lot more to gain than you do to lose. I hope that you can tap into that and good luck.
Sure a new job is scary, because it is unknown, and all of the things that you list that could go wrong are possibilities. But a lot can go right, too - it is an opportunity for youto prove how competent and awesome you are. And as you said, even if it doesn't work out, you will be set back... two weeks. Not that you want to root for that to happen, but it won't be the end of the world. You have a lot more to gain than you do to lose. I hope that you can tap into that and good luck.