I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm not really sure how to begin. I am in an odd mood and I don't know where to talk about it, so I'm using this forum a bit like a journal and I apologize. I'm sure that's not what it's here for, but, I'm in a mood. It doesn't make any sense. I've been lying on the couch for something like an hour now after watching a television show that I am apparently way too involved in. I kind of use fiction like an escape, like a safe way to feel intense feelings, but then I have no where to put them. It's so pathetic, I am well aware. Sometimes I go looking for fiction that upsets me because it's calming, in a way. Maybe to see people worse off than me? It doesn't really feel like it, though. I just want to internalize the feelings that other people feel and these angsty feelings are a sort of calming drug. And, I guess, like most drugs, it makes me feel overwhelmed and down if I have too much. It is so lame. It is far, far, far from cool. I am just feeling so overwhelmed with emotions that were never mine to begin with. I'm like an emotion sucking robot, feeding on other people's problems, wanting to cry over them. I don't know where my feelings come from or what to do with them, but when they're not mine, maybe it's easier. I fantasize about horrible things to make my heart hurt and my eyes sting and I don't know. I don't know how to express myself in real life, so I imagine people crying and yelling. I don't even know where I would start. It's not even that my life is so horrible, I just don't know. I have all these things inside and I want to cry them out. I feel a bit sick and my head hurts, and all I want to do is imagine people crying because I am such a horrible person. I would never, ever hurt anyone and I don't really want to see anyone cry. I feel dizzy whenever I visit a hospital because I just can't handle people in pain. I wish there was a scan that would go over my brain and tell me what's wrong with me and who the real me is and what I need to do about it. I used to wish for an illness or a disease or a disorder to explain why I was always so sad, and now I still don't have a real answer. I know I'm messed up and I have a mental illness or something, but it's not clearly defined and I still don't feel like it gives me an excuse to feel the way I do. I just want to cry over nothing. My throat feels like I have a ball stuck in it and my ears are burning. I feel like I am way more fucked than makes sense. I am so afraid of being seen. I am so afraid that, deep down, I am just horrible.
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SmartCookie
- Posts: 35
- Joined: February 26th, 2013, 1:43 pm
Re: I don't know.
Hi kitkat,
I've got no clear or obvious answers for you, but I've got lots and lots of "I've been there too." Oh, do I ever.
From what I heard when I first introduced myself, using this place like a journal seems to be pretty well-accepted — whatever you feel like sharing.
"I kind of use fiction like an escape" — this is the story of my last two years. I've probably watched more TV in the past two years than I did in the 10 years before that. A little of it might be Netflix's fault, but I know the urge to escape has always been there. It's not pathetic. It's a need for relief. I know for me, I also seek out sad stories in part because I felt so empty and disconnected from my own feelings, because they were so painful even though they didn't seem to be triggered by anything particularly tragic or reasonable. It took me a while to sort it out for my own life and I'm by no means done.
" I don't know where my feelings come from or what to do with them, but when they're not mine, maybe it's easier." I think there might be some truth to that statement too. When we get some distance from it, I think we feel safer to acknowledge, grapple, or let us experience life vicariously through others. For me, the way to healing has had everything to do with changing how I talk to myself. When you write, "I am such a horrible person," I can't help but wonder — is this because of things you have actually done, or because of something you are thinking? Is this something that someone has told you in the past? The other thing I try to remind myself is, would I treat a friend who was experiencing and feeling the things that I do, the way that I am treating myself? The answer is often no, and then I end up wondering why I seem to have so much compassion for others, yet none for myself. Like riding a bicycle or building a muscle, I think being compassionate to yourself feels near impossible to start with but gets easier the more you do it.
I can't convince you that you deserve it, because that is probably something only you can do. That is what I find the saddest, hardest and sometimes nice part about the journey to getting better. That it's almost always work that only I can do for myself, something no one else can solve for me, and by owning my problems, experiences and thoughts, I get to determine what is right for me. It doesn't make the work any easier on the days when it is hard. But it isn't any less true on the days when it does happen. Is there anyone in your life that you can talk to about this? Or do you know if there is a support group where you could listen if you don't think you are ready to share?
There is nothing wrong with you. You are having a rough patch — as we all do, sometimes worse than others, sometimes for longer than others. We don't need excuses to feel the way we do — we just do, and we don't always know why. I hope you are able to find a light in your dark. We are rooting for you, because you matter.
I've got no clear or obvious answers for you, but I've got lots and lots of "I've been there too." Oh, do I ever.
From what I heard when I first introduced myself, using this place like a journal seems to be pretty well-accepted — whatever you feel like sharing.
"I kind of use fiction like an escape" — this is the story of my last two years. I've probably watched more TV in the past two years than I did in the 10 years before that. A little of it might be Netflix's fault, but I know the urge to escape has always been there. It's not pathetic. It's a need for relief. I know for me, I also seek out sad stories in part because I felt so empty and disconnected from my own feelings, because they were so painful even though they didn't seem to be triggered by anything particularly tragic or reasonable. It took me a while to sort it out for my own life and I'm by no means done.
" I don't know where my feelings come from or what to do with them, but when they're not mine, maybe it's easier." I think there might be some truth to that statement too. When we get some distance from it, I think we feel safer to acknowledge, grapple, or let us experience life vicariously through others. For me, the way to healing has had everything to do with changing how I talk to myself. When you write, "I am such a horrible person," I can't help but wonder — is this because of things you have actually done, or because of something you are thinking? Is this something that someone has told you in the past? The other thing I try to remind myself is, would I treat a friend who was experiencing and feeling the things that I do, the way that I am treating myself? The answer is often no, and then I end up wondering why I seem to have so much compassion for others, yet none for myself. Like riding a bicycle or building a muscle, I think being compassionate to yourself feels near impossible to start with but gets easier the more you do it.
I can't convince you that you deserve it, because that is probably something only you can do. That is what I find the saddest, hardest and sometimes nice part about the journey to getting better. That it's almost always work that only I can do for myself, something no one else can solve for me, and by owning my problems, experiences and thoughts, I get to determine what is right for me. It doesn't make the work any easier on the days when it is hard. But it isn't any less true on the days when it does happen. Is there anyone in your life that you can talk to about this? Or do you know if there is a support group where you could listen if you don't think you are ready to share?
There is nothing wrong with you. You are having a rough patch — as we all do, sometimes worse than others, sometimes for longer than others. We don't need excuses to feel the way we do — we just do, and we don't always know why. I hope you are able to find a light in your dark. We are rooting for you, because you matter.
Re: I don't know.
I keep re-reading your response and I just cannot tell you how much it means to me. I don't know what, if anything, I was expecting when I wrote that, but I didn't expect that, so, just, thank you lots.
Just knowing that other people feel the same way I do helps. I know, every time I listen to the podcast, you hear "you are not alone," but I still find it hard sometimes to think that there really are people that have these same thoughts and feelings and issues and confusions.
"I know for me, I also seek out sad stories in part because I felt so empty and disconnected from my own feelings, because they were so painful even though they didn't seem to be triggered by anything particularly tragic or reasonable." It is exactly that. I mean, while it's easy for me to say certain people in my family were assholes or certain situations were damaging, I still can never really feel the effect of them since I just push them down. I was thinking about it today, and I guess part of the sick and dizzy feeling I get is from being overwhelmed by these emotions all at once when I let them come out in a safe (to me) way, like from a sad movie. So I'm not letting things out as they happen, I bottle them up and then they just explode, and in those moments, I can't exactly deal with them effectively because they're focused on some story that never happened to me. If any of that makes sense, haha.
"I can't help but wonder — is this because of things you have actually done, or because of something you are thinking? Is this something that someone has told you in the past? The other thing I try to remind myself is, would I treat a friend who was experiencing and feeling the things that I do, the way that I am treating myself?" I have been trying to treat myself as a friend would, and it does help to bring perspective. But, like you say, it's a muscle that I need to work on. It always is easier for me to put myself down, I guess before someone else has a chance to, or, just simply because my "core message" (as my psychiatrist says) is that I am worthless and saying or thinking anything else makes me uncomfortable because it goes against what's written in my core. And I think it comes from all those things, from the weird things I think about, to people saying things to me. I don't think I've actually done horrible things, but I don't think that really makes who I am. I guess it's cliched, but, when you get rejected enough from family and people and jobs, you have to just think it's you.
I mean, that's just how my brain works, I'm not trying to go against what you said, because I know you're right and I have to work on myself to not beat myself up so much. That's just the default place that my mind goes. And it really is something that I need to do. I know it frustrates my boyfriend because he wants to fix everything, but there are just things that I can only do, I guess.
I have tried talking to some people, but I do feel like a burden or that I am too strange. There are things that I haven't even brought up with my psychiatrist because, even though he isn't there to judge, I mean, I still care what he thinks of me. Which is, of course, totally unhealthy. I just, I think, feel like there is something wrong inside of me that no one can understand and that I don't know how to explain and it's a weight that's always with me. I want to let it out, it's just so scary. I try and I think I do improve, little by little, I just don't know. I want to go to a support group, I'm just, I guess, scared when it comes down to it.
I hope I'm not being a downer and I hope it doesn't sound like I'm making excuses. I'm not trying to, I'm just trying to explain myself, and hopefully it doesn't come off flippant or something. Your response really did pick me up and every time I read it, it brings me a little more light. So thank you so much, I will try even a little bit harder and remember that maybe I matter, as uncomfortable as it feels to write that.
<3
Just knowing that other people feel the same way I do helps. I know, every time I listen to the podcast, you hear "you are not alone," but I still find it hard sometimes to think that there really are people that have these same thoughts and feelings and issues and confusions.
"I know for me, I also seek out sad stories in part because I felt so empty and disconnected from my own feelings, because they were so painful even though they didn't seem to be triggered by anything particularly tragic or reasonable." It is exactly that. I mean, while it's easy for me to say certain people in my family were assholes or certain situations were damaging, I still can never really feel the effect of them since I just push them down. I was thinking about it today, and I guess part of the sick and dizzy feeling I get is from being overwhelmed by these emotions all at once when I let them come out in a safe (to me) way, like from a sad movie. So I'm not letting things out as they happen, I bottle them up and then they just explode, and in those moments, I can't exactly deal with them effectively because they're focused on some story that never happened to me. If any of that makes sense, haha.
"I can't help but wonder — is this because of things you have actually done, or because of something you are thinking? Is this something that someone has told you in the past? The other thing I try to remind myself is, would I treat a friend who was experiencing and feeling the things that I do, the way that I am treating myself?" I have been trying to treat myself as a friend would, and it does help to bring perspective. But, like you say, it's a muscle that I need to work on. It always is easier for me to put myself down, I guess before someone else has a chance to, or, just simply because my "core message" (as my psychiatrist says) is that I am worthless and saying or thinking anything else makes me uncomfortable because it goes against what's written in my core. And I think it comes from all those things, from the weird things I think about, to people saying things to me. I don't think I've actually done horrible things, but I don't think that really makes who I am. I guess it's cliched, but, when you get rejected enough from family and people and jobs, you have to just think it's you.
I mean, that's just how my brain works, I'm not trying to go against what you said, because I know you're right and I have to work on myself to not beat myself up so much. That's just the default place that my mind goes. And it really is something that I need to do. I know it frustrates my boyfriend because he wants to fix everything, but there are just things that I can only do, I guess.
I have tried talking to some people, but I do feel like a burden or that I am too strange. There are things that I haven't even brought up with my psychiatrist because, even though he isn't there to judge, I mean, I still care what he thinks of me. Which is, of course, totally unhealthy. I just, I think, feel like there is something wrong inside of me that no one can understand and that I don't know how to explain and it's a weight that's always with me. I want to let it out, it's just so scary. I try and I think I do improve, little by little, I just don't know. I want to go to a support group, I'm just, I guess, scared when it comes down to it.
I hope I'm not being a downer and I hope it doesn't sound like I'm making excuses. I'm not trying to, I'm just trying to explain myself, and hopefully it doesn't come off flippant or something. Your response really did pick me up and every time I read it, it brings me a little more light. So thank you so much, I will try even a little bit harder and remember that maybe I matter, as uncomfortable as it feels to write that.
<3
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SmartCookie
- Posts: 35
- Joined: February 26th, 2013, 1:43 pm
Re: I don't know.
No judgment here - if any of this stuff were as easy to put into practice as it were to just talk about, we wouldn't need a place like this and it wouldn't mean as much to share and get comfort.
I don't know the specifics of what it is you are trying to get over and I wouldn't presume to know what process or environment you are going to need to really face and move through it, but I can say for myself, at least, that dragging it out prolonged the pain. And oh god does relapse ever happen — I relived a bit of my deep shame and self-loathing last night. I know having to go back and feel it again is part of the work, which still doesn't make it easier but at least I know I have to reach for a book or take extra care with myself today. There is a difference between letting yourself feel your pain in a relatively controlled fashion and in safe environment (with someone or some process that you trust — in my case, I found it in a book), where you go into it on purpose and on your own terms, and getting launched into it randomly and being at its complete mercy.
I don't think you're being a downer or making excuses. I think it's true for you where you are right now and that's an OK place to be. This too shall pass.
I feel you on that one. I spent a really long time aware of, but running away from, feeling the full impact of the anger, frustration and resentment of stuff my family has put me through. I remember, one day, when I actually started doing all that — facing it, writing on the computer, "This is what happened to me and it was wrong and there's nothing wrong with me for saying that I didn't deserve it, that I deserved and still deserve better, and this is how it could have been like if I didn't have this stuff happen to me, and this is how I am moving on and dealing with it," — I took a walk and the thought occurred to me, that my heart was actually just extremely grateful that my mind stopped running away and distracting me from it long enough to just do what I had to do to make some small moves towards moving on. It was weird to think that that's what was happening, but in my case it seemed I had gotten so accustomed to running away that I ignored the capacity of my heart to actually be able to find a way out of the thing.I mean, while it's easy for me to say certain people in my family were assholes or certain situations were damaging, I still can never really feel the effect of them since I just push them down.
I don't know the specifics of what it is you are trying to get over and I wouldn't presume to know what process or environment you are going to need to really face and move through it, but I can say for myself, at least, that dragging it out prolonged the pain. And oh god does relapse ever happen — I relived a bit of my deep shame and self-loathing last night. I know having to go back and feel it again is part of the work, which still doesn't make it easier but at least I know I have to reach for a book or take extra care with myself today. There is a difference between letting yourself feel your pain in a relatively controlled fashion and in safe environment (with someone or some process that you trust — in my case, I found it in a book), where you go into it on purpose and on your own terms, and getting launched into it randomly and being at its complete mercy.
That is a really hard one too. I think a big part of this is being able to trust that people will communicate with you if you really are giving them more than they can handle; and if they do, respecting their choice, but also respecting our own choices and limits. That's a hard one and it's still hard for me sometimes — and sometimes I get freaked out. It helps me sometimes to remind myself (because it was true for me) that I was conditioned when I was young to bottle everything up inside so I wouldn't be a burden or a problem for someone else. That's all good and well for them, but I'm an adult now and not only do I not have to contort my entire being around someone else's needs anymore — I'll never be the person I want to be if I don't focus my energy on fulfilling my own needs, and they were the ones who were messed up for asking me to do that. I didn't have any resources with which I could say 'no' to that pattern, but I do now and I'm going to insist on asking for what I need, and making sure I find a way to get it, and knowing that sometimes hearing "no" doesn't make me an less entitled and able and allowed to ask.I have tried talking to some people, but I do feel like a burden or that I am too strange.
I don't think you're being a downer or making excuses. I think it's true for you where you are right now and that's an OK place to be. This too shall pass.
Re: I don't know.
I'm a little at a loss because of how much what you wrote resonates with me. I'm not super good at explaining myself, I guess because I don't have enough practice with it. I never really get too deep about myself with other people, even if they're sharing their stories and secrets with me. Even if I want to, my brain just sort of shuts down and it's like I forget the entire english language.
I used to write in a journal a lot, which moved to blogging, which eventually stopped because I couldn't be so honest with something that was ending up online. I've gone back to writing in a journal sometimes, but I always find my mind is too fast for my pen to keep up with and, like I said, I'm not so good with words when I have to let them out of my head. But reading what you wrote makes me want to take another shot at it. I like the idea of letting everything out in a semi-controlled and safe way instead of letting it pile up and spill out like I usually do. And maybe it will make me a better communicator (maybe). And, I guess, it would be nice to tell myself that I deserve(d) better. Sometimes I want to yell at the people I never got a chance to and I feel ashamed for not sticking up for myself, but, in a way, I'm still not sticking up for myself even though I'm not around them anymore. I'm still letting the things they instilled in me dictate my life. It's kind of a hard thing to think about. And, really, yelling at them wouldn't change anything besides letting out some of my own steam as there is no way they would ever change. I do want to be better.
I completely know what you mean about relapses! My mood and self-esteem changes often enough, haha. I am extremely impatient when it comes to my own "recovery" but, I guess, it is part of the process. Can I ask what book is making you feel better?
Thank you again so, so much. I really, really hope that things get better and better for you. /big hugs
I used to write in a journal a lot, which moved to blogging, which eventually stopped because I couldn't be so honest with something that was ending up online. I've gone back to writing in a journal sometimes, but I always find my mind is too fast for my pen to keep up with and, like I said, I'm not so good with words when I have to let them out of my head. But reading what you wrote makes me want to take another shot at it. I like the idea of letting everything out in a semi-controlled and safe way instead of letting it pile up and spill out like I usually do. And maybe it will make me a better communicator (maybe). And, I guess, it would be nice to tell myself that I deserve(d) better. Sometimes I want to yell at the people I never got a chance to and I feel ashamed for not sticking up for myself, but, in a way, I'm still not sticking up for myself even though I'm not around them anymore. I'm still letting the things they instilled in me dictate my life. It's kind of a hard thing to think about. And, really, yelling at them wouldn't change anything besides letting out some of my own steam as there is no way they would ever change. I do want to be better.
I completely know what you mean about relapses! My mood and self-esteem changes often enough, haha. I am extremely impatient when it comes to my own "recovery" but, I guess, it is part of the process. Can I ask what book is making you feel better?
Ah, that does sound scary. I am of the "you can't reject me if I reject you first" way of interacting with people, which, is of course unhealthy, but also why talking to someone and giving them the option of saying, "no, sorry, I can't listen to you anymore," is so frightening. It is hard to remember that it doesn't make me less entitled for sympathy, but, I guess, it is one of those mental muscles I need to build up.I think a big part of this is being able to trust that people will communicate with you if you really are giving them more than they can handle; and if they do, respecting their choice, but also respecting our own choices and limits.
I wish I had that tattooed on my forehead so I can remember it every time I look in the mirror! It's so hard to remember and even harder to believe. I hope it is working for you, and I will try to keep it in my mind as well.I'll never be the person I want to be if I don't focus my energy on fulfilling my own needs
Thank you again so, so much. I really, really hope that things get better and better for you. /big hugs