I got a rude reminder today that I'm very far from where I'd like to be.
My inability to participate, in good faith, in certain professional relationships is holding me back from taking advantage of the kinds of opportunities I'd previously thought I would be able to.
I'm deeply disappointed. But I wonder if this is just more evidence of another deep-seeded pattern in my behaviour. That I used to dream of new exciting opportunities to take me away from the pain of dealing with the consequences of my behaviour in the situations I am already in.
It's not the end of my world — but it is another blow to the story I had wanted to be able to tell about myself, even post-illness. I don't want to have to re-write that story again, but I suppose I don't really get a choice in that regard.
Somewhere between dreaming and disappointment
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SmartCookie
- Posts: 35
- Joined: February 26th, 2013, 1:43 pm
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Cheldoll
- Posts: 263
- Joined: September 12th, 2011, 2:29 pm
- Issues: Depression, anxiety, anorexia, sexually abused
- preferred pronoun: She
- Location: Portland, Oregon
- Contact:
Re: Somewhere between dreaming and disappointment
Once again, SmartCookie lives up to her username -- your insight into your own situation is incredible. Just because you're still far from where you'd like to be, though, doesn't mean you won't get there soon enough. Hang in there hon.
xoxo,
Chel
" Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do,
care about many of the things you care about, although most people don't care about them.
You are not alone. " — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Chel
" Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do,
care about many of the things you care about, although most people don't care about them.
You are not alone. " — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
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SmartCookie
- Posts: 35
- Joined: February 26th, 2013, 1:43 pm
Re: Somewhere between dreaming and disappointment
Posting in this thread again, because I'm sort of feeling this way again! 
It's related but a little different this time though. I'm taking some hard steps to be accountable for the things I know I messed up in my life. Not facing the fear is not making the problems go away. So in the past 10 minutes I've just been brutally honest with myself about what the process of making amends or moving on from the process might look like. It's just getting information to start with, but at some point I will have to come face to face with the many people I've let down, apologize, tell them where I am and what that means, and participate in some kind of conversation about moving forward, and possibly figuring out how to live with the fallout and consequences that I cannot avoid or talk my way out of. And it may have deep repercussions that may make me sad.
I have such a deep fear of promising things I can't deliver (the aspect of my behaviour that got me in this mess in the first past), but I still struggle with saying no, or not getting carried away... I think this might require me to do some smaller scale versions, on my own, and ensuring I can be accountable to myself.
Oh, and just for the record, I am strong, strong like an amazon.
It's related but a little different this time though. I'm taking some hard steps to be accountable for the things I know I messed up in my life. Not facing the fear is not making the problems go away. So in the past 10 minutes I've just been brutally honest with myself about what the process of making amends or moving on from the process might look like. It's just getting information to start with, but at some point I will have to come face to face with the many people I've let down, apologize, tell them where I am and what that means, and participate in some kind of conversation about moving forward, and possibly figuring out how to live with the fallout and consequences that I cannot avoid or talk my way out of. And it may have deep repercussions that may make me sad.
I have such a deep fear of promising things I can't deliver (the aspect of my behaviour that got me in this mess in the first past), but I still struggle with saying no, or not getting carried away... I think this might require me to do some smaller scale versions, on my own, and ensuring I can be accountable to myself.
Oh, and just for the record, I am strong, strong like an amazon.
Re: Somewhere between dreaming and disappointment
Congratulations for owning your shit and dedicating yourself to moving through it and emerging out the other side. I can relate to the fear and reluctance - and the worry about sad repercussions. That stuff has kept me beaten down and stuck for a long time. You're taking important steps that will make you a happier person in the long run, even if they suck sometimes in the process. I hope you can manage to apologize to yourself as well as others - for being human, for not being perfect - and you can give yourself permission to just be you.
Another thing to consider is that being accountable for your fuck-ups in life also can make it easier to own and celebrate your successes a little more, too. Giving credit where credit is due works for good as well as bad.
Another thing to consider is that being accountable for your fuck-ups in life also can make it easier to own and celebrate your successes a little more, too. Giving credit where credit is due works for good as well as bad.
Cue Wonder Woman theme music....Oh, and just for the record, I am strong, strong like an amazon.