YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm trying hard to keep it together today but not very successfully. Last week, out of nowhere, my ex-boyfriend poped back up and wanted to hang out. We talk/text every now and then but just surface level stuff. He has been dating someone else (a girl ten years younger than him) and I've been seeing a great guy. Things were getting more serious for me with this guy right about the same time my ex asked to hang out. He made a point to tell me he'd broken up with his girlfriend. I admit I had unresolved feelings towards him due to the circumstances of our break-up and the fact that when we were living together I had two miscarriages. So I always had in the back of my mind that maybe we'd reunite one day, even as I was moving forward with my life and in this new relationship. Still, I told him nothing physical could happen. He says he'd still like to get together. Initially I said no, but then I relented a few days later. As I anticipated, things did get physical. I felt terrible for doing this but I also wondered if it meant he still had feelings. I didn't intially tell my boyfriend because I thought for sure it wouldn't happen again. Then this past Sun it did. I felt terrible and yesterday I did tell my boyfriend who is very upset and immediately broke up with me. The ex also finally told me in no uncertain terms that he never wants to get back together. I'm glad to finally know that, but it would have been nice to find out some other way that didn't involve hurting my boyfriend, who I do love very much. Now neither my boyfriend nor my ex will talk to me and I know it's all my fault and I feel like a piece of shit.

Ugh, what a week!

Well, maybe you can take time now to be by yourself for a bit. Try to figure out why you did what you did and how to avoid it in the future.

For what it's worth, maybe stop trying to contact the ex. Clearly he affects your judgement, and can't be that great a guy, or he wouldn't have gotten involved with you when you were in a relationship.

Hey Pen. Yeah, that is a tough situation.

When your ex stated that he wanted to "hang out", Chris Rock explains starting at 0:40 what he was really saying (NSFW):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90qpDg5y7Lo

Without even watching the video I'm sure I know what it says.

I can't agree more about staying away from your ex. I've been reading a blog the last few years that I've found helpful regarding relationships & things like No Contact.http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ Not a professional, just a gal who had her own issues.

I've been the cheater, I was devastated after. Why did I do that!?!? But, I did do it and that's not going to change. It wasn't like I just skipped away, tra la la. Incredibly ashamed, guilty, remorseful. These are INTENSE emotions to process. Painful.

The pain you feel is still pain, no matter where it came from. You are allowed to feel pain. Cliche & maybe not what you want to hear, but some time will probably help. I wish I could offer something of better value to help ya out.

It just kills me that I hurt my boyfriend so badly. I want to help people and love them, not hurt them. I am so overwhelmingly ashamed. I have cut off contact with my ex. My boyfriend agreed to come talk yesterday but I feel like it didn't get us very far. I did not make excuses, just tried to explain my mindset and that it was not any kind of problem with him. But he still feels inadequate and line a chump. I desperately want to show him that's not true. Yes, I want another chance but more than that I want to ease his pain somehow. Everyone's advice seems to be to just leave him alone. I'm trying to do that but in my mind, that makes no sense. I guess because it's not what I would want. I just don't know what to do. I can't sleep, can't eat. Can't leave the house. I realize I brought this all on myself but it still hurts so bad.