can"t deal with my parents

[sg928]

My mother is Borderline (undiagnosed) and I don't even know if there is a category for my father. Just recently told them "No", It just my be the first time in 36 years, when asked to go to a social function with my mother, in place of my father. I didn't make up any excuses or lies (which would be my normal behavior), I just said that I didn't want to go because I wouldn't know anyone there, except for my mother (who is very odd in social situations). I have extreme anxiety with physical bathroom symptoms in large social situations. My father proceeded to leave my a voice mail trying to make me feel guilty for saying no. I just don't know how to deal with them. My mom makes every conversation about her and when I am in the same room with my father, I get an extreme urge to flee, even in my own house.

[weary]

Good for you for standing up for yourself and saying no. Sounds like it must have been really difficult to do, but it is the start of a healthier relationship with them.

[shanarchy]

sg928,

I send you a huge hug! I can relate somewhat to your situation. I don't accompany my Mom to social gatherings instead of my father, but she does act very odd in social situations. In fact, I believe she suffers from undiagnosed social anxiety.

I don't enjoy being with her in any social situation. Even being at her house is uncomfortable. She says the strangest things and lies a lot. My brother barely visits her and my sister simply stopped any interaction with her a few years ago. I, on the other hand, try to take some time, about once a month, to interact with her. Either by going to visit her or by talking to her on the phone. More than that and I get very anxious.

When you wrote that you get an urge to flee, it sounds like the definition of stress, as in a flight or fight response to a situation. If you haven't found a healthy way to interact with both your parents (your Dad doesn't sound that helpful, either), I think you should make yourself a priority and continue to simply say no when you don't feel like it and leave it at that. Don't worry about the initial guilt feeling, that's just a reaction to something that's new to you (at least, that's what I think).

It's even more difficult if you are living with her. But, it's still of the utmost importance that you take care of yourself by avoiding stressful situations.

Take care!

[sg928]

Thank you so much. It was very hard, I had many conversations planned to justify my decision. I expected them to call me all weekend and they didn't. What a relief. I probably won't hear from them for a long time. It's sad that I can't have parents who love me if I'm not doing what they want, but I'm a 36 yr old woman with teenagers, and I can't allow my birth family to crush my spirit any longer. My husband often reminds me that I have a family that loves me. I have him, our children and his family. So I need to keep focused on what I have and not what I don't have.

[shanarchy]

Congratulations! It seems you do have a wonderful family.