My brain is really good at ruining everything I love

[Yanon Amos]

Without getting into the specifics of my life, I just want to vent a little. I go to therapy, I'm on the right path, but these past couple weeks have been down. I'm not looking for advice, just want to share.

I've really been enjoying the Nerdist podcast, discovered it through the MIHH. I've been going back and listening to episodes with actors/musicians that I like, laughing really hard, great. I listened to one of their "hostful" shows, which didn't have a specific point, it was just the three guys sitting around and talking. Of course, it was really funny, then my brain was like, "you're a fucking loser. You must be such a fucking loser, because only people with no friends spend their time listening to people who ARE friends talk. They're not your friends, you have no connection to them, they don't know who you are, that good feeling you had when you were listening before was false, and you're a just a fucking loser." Now I enjoy their show less. I don't want to listen to it, because it makes me feel like I'm this loser sitting in the corner watching the cool kids hang out and wishing I was them. My brain thinks, "that's the appeal of podcasts, for losers with no friends to have semi-human connections and convince themselves that they're part of the conversations they're listening to."

My brain will also do that with music. I'll hear a great album, like Macklemore's "The Heist", and reallly connect to it. After a while I'll think, "You're a stupid suburban white boy for listening to hip hop and thinking you're cool (regardless of the fact that Macklemore is white). This isn't even that good, it's only emotional because they know which four chords to put under a track to make it 'emotional', it's not even that good, you should listen to some REAL music." So then I'll pull out one of my favorite jazz albums, something with Gary Burton, or Tony Williams (I'm a percussionist) and after a while I'll just start thinking, "You know, if you practiced more you'd be better. If you played vibes for Gary Burton, he would laugh at your inexperience and lack of skill. Tony Williams was already playing with Miles Davis when he was 17, you were just sitting around and getting high (I'm 25 and sober now). Fucking loser, you don't deserve to enjoy anything."


Really, I know that I have friends, even if I haven't had as much time to spend with them lately. I know that I am allowed to enjoy the music I want to enjoy. I probably could practice more, but my summer schedule hasn't locked in yet and I've had other things I need to take care of. In a couple days I'll probably feel better and start enjoying things again, but right now I'm in that state where it feels like forever.

[oak]

Been there!

The other day I was applying for a job, and came across a page of names and photos of people who are in that field.

"What a bunch of dorks and losers" I instinctively thought to myself.

Then, in a chilling realization, I deeply understood that they are in the very professional role I dream of being in.

They did something I should be doing.

It was as if I could afford ironic detachment (read: judgment), as long as I would trade my respect for them, essentially trading my respect for me, to judge their exteriors.

I see, sometimes, the same in others: I am comfortable going up to attractive strangers and chatting them up. I see the look of derision of guys observing, if she is not interested. The difference is that I took the risk to chat up the pretty woman, while the other ten guys were standing around dreaming of it.

(btw, most women are super friendly and patient and kind!)

The person out there doing something, be it a rapper, jazz musician, or Romeo is having an experience: a good or "bad" one, but at least they are feeling.

Good post. Thanks for posting.

[Yanon Amos]

Thanks for your response, oak! I'm still feeling pretty down today, and it really helped to hear someone who's had the same experience. I have the same experience you describe nearly every time I go on facebook and see what some of my acquaintances are doing. Especially people who I was mean to years ago, who I didn't like, and now are much more successful and happy than I am.

It's also a good point, I need to just be doing. I'm hoping I can pull myself up and be more active soon, I think that'll really help me out.

[oak]

You seem like a good person, Yanon. I like your heart.

I honor and respect your hurt. I am glad you are honest enough to share. You're going to be okay.

Keep following where this leads you, is my advice.

[MizLzie]

Hi Yanon,

Oak has some great words for you, so I'm not here to offer much of anything else. If you've seen some of my other posts, I've spoken about what I think FB can do to people. One thing to remember is that the majority of people are sharing things that are only positive, expressing only the best parts of themselves or who they want to be. Conforming to societal "expectations" that we are all supposed to be living up to. Fuck them. IMHO being a good person who helps those around them is what matters. The cars, jobs, houses - they can be taken away in a heartbeat. I struggle constantly with my little sister being more successful than me, but all I can do is do the best I can and be a positive influence to those around me.

I have been listening to the Nerdist podcast since the beginning and I can't say I've had the thoughts you've expressed, though I do understand where they could come from. I listen to those podcasts because they make me laugh. If I'm having a shitty day I can throw one on, listen to the jokes and laugh whilst riding public transit, so I'm sure people think I'm nuts. Anyway - my point is that I hope you can find a way to push out those negative thoughts about yourself. It doesn't make you a loser to listen to friends talk. One of the strongest urges we have is to form connections, if they are virtual ones that help you through a crappy day, I say - great! If it wasn't for a group of online friends I made a few years ago, I honestly think I wouldn't be here today. They literally saved my life when everything was so shitty I wasn't sure I would make it.

Dunno if any of this is useful. We all deserve to feel good about ourselves and I genuinely hope that it happens for you. Sending warm wishes your way.