YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

It's weird, man. I spent the last ten minutes or so writing about how I feel, but I can't seem to hit "submit" because I just feel like it's not important enough for you guys to read. I wrote in my intro post that in comparison to many people on here, my issues are relatively minuscule. And though I probably have an "only-child" complex, I am aware that there are people on this forum who have more serious problems than I do, and I'd feel like a jerk for asking for attention from you guys instead of focusing it on other people who may need it more.

I joined this forum because I wanted to talk about how I feel because I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this stuff. And now I feel like I'm not able to talk about it on here because I feel my problems and emotions certainly don't take any kind of precedence here. And hell, maybe the idea of precedence on this forum is wrong to think of to begin with.

Thane! Hows it going?

Feel free to write as much or as little as you like.

Ill be glad to read what you write.

Ditto. Post away. Your feelings matter as much as everyone else's feelings. It's not a competition for who has the "worst" problems. Others can learn from your experiences just as you can learn from theirs. Give it a try.

Opening up is scary for me - even in this artificial, safe, anonymous format. And I also often feel like I'm just whining - that my problems aren't that bad. But that attitude has kept me shut down for a long time and unable to distinguish the big problems from the little ones. You deserve our attention as much as anyone else.

ThaneRising - I know how you feel. I also feel like I have no one to to talk to anymore. But here is a good place to talk and share and not be judged. Sending you lots of hugs!

ThaneRising,

Another person right here who wants to hear what's up with you.

While I wouldn't say that there is no such thing or big and small when it comes to this stuff, I can say for certain that big or small doesn't matter, because no matter what it is that makes you feel like not the awesome human being you are, it is something you deserve to get help learning about and healing from.

As for taking away attention from someone else, or some people having precedence — we've got lots of attention and love to give (although admittedly things that are time-sensitive may need a different approach...). It's abundant, not scarce. And in some ways it doesn't matter, because we don't all have the same interest or experience to be qualified to talk about the problems that people write about. Trust that we'll respond in ways we can deal with and be responsible about, as long as you do your thing and say what's hurting and what you need.

(And having no one to talk to in your life is HUGE one and why, I think, we're here to begin with!)

SC

To all that replied on this thread,

Thank you for your welcoming words of encouragement. One mantra that plays a big role in my life is "don't do something that will only result in a waste of time." Operating by that cynical mantra certainly has its drawbacks, and I find it tough to express myself if my analysis tells me that I’m only talking to a room full of empty chairs; so for you guys to come forth and simply say “we’re listening,” I appreciate it to a great degree.

I'll be starting a new thread to talk about how I feel right now (and have been for the past few days), hope to see you there!

"don't do something that will only result in a waste of time."

Holy fuck, do I relate to that. It's a major part of why I have a hard time relaxing and doing enjoyable things.

What I am trying to learn is that I get to decide what is a valuable use of my time. Not anyone else. My priorities matter, and if I choose to engage in an activity that I see value in but nobody else does, than so what. And outcome does not equal value. So even if something like posting on here doesn't lead to a solution to your problems, if the process of doing it makes you feel better in some way, it's not a waste of time. That's something my therapist is constantly on me about. It's not all about the destination, but the journey.

Looking forward to your posts.

Weary-

As for judging what a valuable use of my time is, I know that I am in control of that. My issue is that I am way too conservative and untrusting when it comes to weighing the amount of work to the results that will be reaped from it. I am definitely someone who cares more about the destination rather than the journey, haha. I want to know that if I work at something, if I put effort in to it, I will be properly compensated/rewarded/appraised. That way of thought probably comes from my deep concern with equality- in this case, being “I want a result that is equal to the amount of work, time and effort I put into it,” because that just sounds fair. I also need a hefty amount of encouragement to keep going with something (to put it simply, if I were to run a 20k marathon, I better see the banner congratulating me by the 3k mark), which is why any long-term writing endeavors I start never get completed, because I reach a point where I think nobody cares about this project and I then decide to stop wasting my time on it. And that’s a problem because obviously, there are only going to be a few ideal cases where everything goes the way I want them to, from perfect calculation of results to having people cheer me along the entire way-most times, that’s not how it works. However, I did learn that even against straining adversity from elements I couldn’t control, my own personal drive is capable of getting me through to the end of something (though it did involve me screaming obscenities for hours on end), and the result was phenomenal, so there’s some progress. It’s strange that I’m very concerned with only using my time for things that will guarantee a satisfying result, and yet I’m fine wasting an entire weekend playing video games- which brings me to my next paragraph, which is even longer than this one.

I am different when it comes to relaxing and doing enjoyable things- for the majority of my life I’ve been hedonistic and caring more about having fun rather than doing what I should do, and I’ve been a careless procrastinator for too long. And while I shouldn’t blame it solely on the environment I was living in on a day-to-day basis, it certainly created one hell of a storm. My mother, who is pretty slothlike, didn’t care about what future I would make for myself (I appreciate the freedom aspect of that, but the idea that she has absolutely no investment in me makes me seethe). There were also boatloads of people who would discourage me and say things like “you’re never going to amount to anything in your life.” But the biggest factor in convincing me that I didn’t have to work towards things was probably the group of friends I was hanging out with. Once I became a teenager, I basically had the typical teenage epiphany that school sucked and I didn’t want to waste my time with it. I had friends who were out of high school, and their lives were fine, so I figured the same would go for me too. After a few years of that though, I realized that they did not have good lives, not in the slightest. So after that epiphany (along with some unrelated fallout), I decided “hey, let’s see how close I am to graduating.” That was not a pleasant thing to find out. I had screwed myself from not giving a shit, and it took a lot of work just to be able to graduate, and I wasn’t going to go to college (but I have my own gripes about college that I’ll share at another time). Aside from the realization that my old group of friends was like hanging out in a pit of quicksand, I also realized that my mother gave off a similar aura. She was never ambitious, nor did she ever inspire ambition in me. To be harsh, her life is pretty pathetic (and I have a lot of feelings to share about that at another time), so I feel the need to distance myself from that too. Within the past few years, I found out that I’m responsible for my own progress, and I have to make an effort to actually do the work to make that progression, or else I’ll start to fall back into those patterns of perpetual lounging. Even to this day, I end up playing video games more often than I probably should instead of using that time for something more productive. By no means am I a workaholic, but I’m well aware that if I don’t make the effort to work, I’ll have a pathetic life, just like my mother or my old group of friends.

Jeez, I'm relating to this post a lot.

I am that only child "don't do anything that might be a waste" cynic. It's such a fucked up thing, especially factored in with "Don't take unnecessary risks." Between those, I have completely shut myself down before, and will probably do so again.

At this point, I'm tempted to not post this and just close this tab on my browser. I feel like I'm contributing nothing to this thread, and that to go ahead and post would be the rough equivalent of leaping naked off a cliff. Or at least without any parachute/bungee-type thing...

Geoff-

Don't worry about it. Your presence on this thread alone is contribution enough. I'm glad to know you're relating to the things I've said; it certainly helps me feel that my long-winded posts aren't all for nigh