YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

This is my first post in this forum, so bear with me...I have been listening to the MIHH for over 2 years and it has helped me stay sane through many ups and downs. But the last few months have been a constant struggle to stay positive. I was doing well, despite all the issues, until today when it all came crashing down.

Three months ago I had to have emergency surgery to remove 2 cysts, and they ended up having to take one of my ovaries. The other ovary was operated on, but the were able to save it. y I am 30 years old, unmarried, no children. Needless to say it was devastating to wake up from surgery and find all this out. The past three months have been filled with doctors appointments, ultrasounds, bloodwork, etc. The doctors do not know if the cysts will come back, or if I will be able to have children of my own. This has seriously weighing on me - i know that i want children, but i am not in a place to have them right now and all of my options to preserve my fertility are too expensive. On top of that, my boyfriend broke up with me today. We have known each other for 7 years, and have been dating off and on for 4. As of today, he tells me it is over. He does not want to be with me.

I just don't understand why this is all happening to me. I font feel like i have done anything to deserve this level of pain. I have suffered with anxiety all my life, and with depression since adolescence. I feel like i was doing such a good job keeping it all at bay and dealing with things in a healthy way, and now this. I feel so unwanted and useless. How am i supposed to move on now? Who is going to want me when I don't know about my future medically?

I am only 30, and i have a good job as a teacher, but i feel so hopeless. I work hard every day, and I have no one to share it with it. I know that there are so many people who have it worse than me, and I am not usually one to complain. But right now I feel so lost and alone.

I font feel like i have done anything to deserve this level of pain.

You haven't.

I'm sorry for your pain and loss. Heartbreak on top of physical pain and trauma sounds horrible, but you are not defined by those things. I can relate to the worry of not being able to have children - but for you, right now, that is only a possibility, right? This gives you a chance to reflect and think about what you truly do want in your future and how you can take steps to move in that direction. You can't control the things that have happened to your body, and you can't control the behavior of others. But know that there are absolutely people out there to love you exactly as you are, physical and emotional wounds and all. No matter how it feels, you're not really alone.

Weary-

Thank you for the kind words. Yes, it is still a possibility at this point. I know I need to take it one day at a time, but right now I am just overwhelmed.

Hug Jenn! Hugs.

I kindly encourage you to feel, to grieve. I see a couple of threads, or themes, going on.

First, there is the physical healing. I wish you a speedy recovery.

Second, there is the question of your ability to have children in the future. Of that, I can offer no advice, but simply encouragement.

Next, there is the deep heartache of a relationship ending. Oh, how that can hurt!

And there is also the matter of the anxiety and depression you experience.

How can you feel wanted and useful? Gosh! I struggle with that myself.

I accept you as you are, and honor your feelings of feeling lost and alone. In the sense that I hear you, see your words, you are not alone.

I respect your honesty, and am glad you posted.

One day at a time is sometimes all we can do. When I've been in that place I grab at any little thing that makes me smile. A tv show, movie, podcast, book, song, whatever it is. Every little smile helps when it feels like everything is crashing down around you. At least for me it did. Sure sometimes it was escaping, but I wanted to feel something that wasn't fear. Self-care means we need to do those things once in a while so that we can get stronger.

Rooting for you!